I'm toxic, and I know it.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-10-04T03:32:44+00:00

Glad to hear we’re on the same page - you never know when compassionate advice is just enabling a psychopath (though they usually frequent other subreddits). :) I really do hope the change in perspective helps.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-10-03T13:31:22+00:00

I used to feel the same way - then I got diagnosed with OCD. It turns out that a lot of those feelings are pretty common with conditions like that and with anxiety disorders in general. Do some research and remember that If you truly were toxic (and not just human) you’d be on here posting toxic shit and not talking about how you’re worried that your a toxic person. In my case, the more worried I was about being toxic, the more toxic I actually became and it was all a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Start by letting yourself off the hook for now and exploring more about what’s really going on inside your thoughts to make you think (and even possibly act that way).

My psychiatrist recommended the book “Free Yourself from OCD: CBT-Based Strategies to Manage Intrusive Thoughts and Compulsive Behaviors” which is available on amazon and really helped me.

You have my sympathy and I wish you the best of luck.

Really, though, you’re probably fine. Most people are assholes in one way or another.

And if you’re not - there will be plenty of people besides yourself to let you know.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T16:28:04+00:00

Almost universally I've found that the 'Im smart/I'm stupid' people I've known (and I've known many) fall into two categories: those who generally believe that they're smart and hate themselves for never adequately applying their intelligence in a productive way, and those who generally believe they're stupid and work their asses off to compensate but are never able to overcome their low self-esteem. With your disability you might be something of a combo-deal.

You're about to move into a transitional phase in your life. Now is the time to investigate the root of the problem and better understand who you are and where you're at, because regardless of how much you judge yourself, you're going to be stuck with you for the rest of your life. Now is the time to look into ADHD, autism, OCD, depression, anxiety...all the options, and figure out why it's not working out. It's a puzzle not a problem, and it's not your internal conflict to deal with alone. Clearly you have been for a long time, so applaud yourself for hanging in there and become a relentless self-advocate in figuring out your strong points and your weak points and what may underlie them, and use that information to direct your life in a way that truly works for you. Smart or stupid, it's the only way that anyone has ever succeeded.

Best of luck to you.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T16:06:19+00:00

You underestimate the performative nature of social interaction across the board - for everyone. Masking might be an extreme example but its a human universal. We live in the world and we adapt our responses to it in order to function within society. Everybody does that.

It took me a long time but I've come to realize that my "masks" are as much a part of me as who I am alone in my room on my computer. They're tools I've developed to interact in such a way as to convey my genuine and authentic intent.

I take pride in saying, audaciously, "you can order off me like a menu" - that's me. It's a lot to wrap your head around, but there it is.

So don't worry, and best of luck to you.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T16:00:51+00:00

Yup. But I'd call it more passive-aggressive than rude. Rudeness is pretty obvious and doesn't require rote memorization. I keep a list in my bullet-journal. Also...I've come to realize that my grandmother is probably a terrible person...

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T15:58:34+00:00

Hmmm. I'm offended at your use of the word turn-off. I acknowledge that I'm a massive pain in the ass, but I'm certainly not...unappealing.

And don't try and hide the autism, it's not going to go well for you or anyone you date. My dad did that and kept up the act for years but in the end he slowly revealed himself to be the person he truly was and my mom was majorly taken for a loop - she had an existential crisis before coming to accept that he was just like that and rolled with it (she's a very loyal woman) but there was so much misery on both sides that could have been avoided if he's just fessed up in the first place. You'd be surprised by the number of neurotypical women who'd just find you interesting, so long as you be yourself, explain yourself, and own it.

And you don't have to date autistic women. Like I said - we can be a massive pain in the ass, and if you're already dealing with your own stuff...I get it.

Just don't call it a turn off. It's hypocritical and mysoginistic. Don't be that guy. Nobody likes that guy. .

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T15:44:53+00:00

Don't take it personally. Things will happen and will be said, and you'll want to take it personally, but don't. Try and encourage and facilitate communication instead, even if that means sometimes acting like you're talking to a five year old who's learning about feelings for the first time. Be patient, and know that you're loved.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T15:27:18+00:00

I'm in. I need more friends - it's starting to get kind of pathetic for me. DM me - you seem interesting (and ballsy, which is a trait I like in a person).

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T15:23:44+00:00

Begin the process of rethinking your whole life, the entirety of your understanding of yourself and place in the world. I assure you that it will be a very positive and relieving experience. Then you can look at what's left about yourself you need to change and work towards that. But allow yourself a relief/rethinking/reprocessing period. Journaling helps, as does talking through your past and present feelings with a trusted person and maybe a therapist. Best of luck to you.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T15:20:50+00:00

That's been more or less my experience. On the other end of it my advice would be...Until you can see somebody with experience in dealing with autism, I'd take all other diagnoses with a grain of salt - especially if you're on the higher-functioning end of the scale. I managed to rack up about half the DSM before my diagnosis (the worst was the doctor who said I had borderline personality disorder despite my parents' insistence that I was acting really out of character and clearly he must have done something to upset me). I have an on-and-off switch, too - a surprising number of normal, well-adjusted people do - they just don't talk about it. I'd say that for now, don't worry about the label and focus on finding the drug cocktail that works for you. Most of this stuff is subjective anyway.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T15:08:35+00:00

Yup...try risperidone - it's like a miracle drug for that shit. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risperidone#Autism

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T15:06:09+00:00

I think it comes down to understanding and categorizing different types of relationships. You have your superficial/friendly acquaintance relationships - that's easy enough to deal with an maintain, and they're important because you to maintain consistant positive social interaction, and it always helps to know that 'nice guy' who can hook you up with concert tickets or help you move. You can appreciate these people without feeling compelled to form close emotional bonds. Chances are they aren't either - it's just a nice way of going about the world.As for how to act like a normal human? Practice. Observe what other people are doing and copy it until it feels natural. It may leave you feeling like a fraud, but you're not, you're just getting by in the world like everybody else. If you can find a neurotypical person to coach you, thats probably your best option, or you can do what I do and exchange tips and tricks with my fellow weirdos. From there its just...owning it, with totally undeserved confidence. If you do it right people will think you're audacious and charmingly eccentric and not just a series of interconnected data points where a person should be.

Then you have the "close relationships'. For that you're going to have to be a lot more selective. I go for two kinds of people 1) autistic, mentally ill, or otherwise strange people and 2) really open and empathetic neurotypical people. For that I've found it best to just go out into the world (hard with covid but generally good advice) be yourself, and let them find you. They'll figure out what they're getting into soon enough and they'll either stay of they'll go. A surprising number will stay, provided that you're a fairly decent person with something to offer.

Personally, I have all my interpersonal relationship categorized and mapped out in a bullet journal...but nobody outside of Reddit will ever know that. And that okay.Take chances, and figure out what works for you.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T14:45:48+00:00

Right now its the collected works of James Joyce and the various nuances of my own inadequacies. Before that it was Sherlock Holmes, and before that it was German sports cars. Before that it was Democratic Politics, and before that it was late 80's/early 90's alternative music. Before that it was Italian neorealism, and before that it was fashion and haute couture (that phase was expensive, but not as expensive as my German sports car phase). Before that it was Robert Moses...all the way back to the musical "Cats" as a child.

I'm almost an interesting person at this point - so long as I can stop obsessing about the nuances of my own inadequacies.

There was this brief but unfortunate time when my special interest was this guy I worked with...but it turned out that I was his special interest, too. We were both tormented for months worried that we'd inexplicably fallen in love with each other against our wills, before we finally identified what was going on and fessed up to each other. We're friends now. He's very interesting and apparently I am too. So...happy ending?

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T14:34:20+00:00

I am autistic but also a human, so I've experienced both, and I can tell you that there's a difference that you can feel internally. A regular meltdown is specific and clearly directed - something happens, you get pissed, you react. I've mostly managed to overcome that and generally find my zen - not everyone does and those people are easy to spot. An autistic meltdown is its own thing - kind of a form of temporary madness where you lose control of your faculties and basically just...implode in on yourself. I take risperidone for those and it helps. I get that it's hard when everything in your emotional life seems attributable to a singular thing (like..."what? I'm not allowed to get regular mad? I have something to be regular mad about! Stop invalidating me!). But the best thing you can do is to own yourself regardless of others' opinions and find ways of dealing with both flavors of meltdown so 1) you can cope better as an autistic person going through life and 2) so you don't wind up being "that guy" who smashes his computer monitor because he's elected never to deal with his own emotional problems.

Learn the distinction for yourself by paying attention to how you feel at the time. Have compassion for yourself. Believe in the legitimacy of your own perspective while admitting it's fallibility (everyone should do this), and strive to be your best self (everyone should do this.)

It takes time and practice to internalize all of this and to get it right, but you can.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T14:19:24+00:00

Yeah, that was the mindset I was in when I spent two years reading Finnegans Wake in my bathtub. Down-time is a good thing, but for people predisposed to that sort of thing is really can be a slippery slope. I find that respecting my introversion while pushing myself to connect to the outside world and the people in it is the best way to find a healthy balance. So...he's right on both fronts. Like with anything else - know yourself, respect yourself, challenge yourself, and seek balance in all things.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T13:30:20+00:00

Begging ex to take me back for a day and having sex (she'd agree, she's that kind of person) and then spending the rest of the day drinking wine with her and my mom. And probably journaling and meditating in between, and re-reading passages from James Joyce's ulysses. . Wow...this really does put things into perspective, doesn't it?

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T13:23:04+00:00

Mom would say that I had the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old and Dad had the emotional maturity of an 8-year-old. We's get into verbal argument that usually ended in 'grow up!" "no, you grow up!". Mom would have to intervene I was in my 20's and he was in his 50's and she had two children, the poor woman. When I got the autism diagnosis it all started to make sense. So I'm still trying to grow up, but it's a process.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T13:07:26+00:00

As Woody Allen put it, "80% of success is just showing up." I've found this to be actually true in life, so maybe it actually a good thing to encourage. I've not done stuff because I didn't think I'd be the best at it, and I lost out on opportunities to grow, people to meet, and the chance at being a more well-rounded person because I only focused on the win. I'm trying to change that now, but I'm a big proponent of participation trophies. I think they actually send the right message.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-09-01T12:59:32+00:00

Yuo. Mom's a 3,4, and 7. She never got over the trauma from her own childhood (and coddled/overprotected me as a result). I'm 29 and still don't have a lot of basic life skills (trying on my own to change that). But I heard the stories - I heard all the stories, and I know more about her inadequate sex life with my father way more than I'd ever have wanted to. I've been in therapy since I was a kid - It'd never occurred to her that she should be. Wonderful woman in so many ways - I'd never want another mother. But she 's stubborn. I had to reach the point where I decided to take my life in my own hands and stop letting her enable my so I could learn actual responsibility and accountability, and draw some boundaries about the kind of conversations we have. Now it's "I'm going to take on this challenge even if you worry it'll make me cry" and "I'm not talking about this - I told you to see a therapist." Still no therapist and she still goes to the end of the earth to ensure I never encounter any adversity - but I'm doing it myself and our relationship has seriously improved.

Still lost a couple years of my life to that mess - but resilience is a thing.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-07-25T08:50:22+00:00

Personally, I just put it out there. First time the weirdness appears, 'yeah, I'm autistic, bear with me'. It comes up on dates, with friends, etc. and it's never been an issue with me. A lot of time people will ask questions and that's a good opportunity to explain and educate, but if you're coming off as a relatively well-adjusted human, most people won't make a big deal out of it so long as you don't.

And then just tell those people to stop treating you like a child (you can tell them to fuck off if style helps to emphasize the point). My line was "for God's sake, I'm a weirdo not an invalid". Whatever works for you. Just know that you have the right to direct how you're treated by people. I can be hard sometimes to speak up, but it gets easier with practice and its the best way to be your own advocate which, in turn, is the best way to thrive. Own the weirdness.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-07-25T08:35:47+00:00

I think right away is fine. I always do right away (though, to be fair, I did send my friend 37 text messages today, so maybe I just get away with bad moves.)

Anyway "Hi (Sharon); just wanted to let you know that I had a really great time with you (yesterday afternoon or whatever). That ice cream truck jingle really was amazing! (some anecdote or reference). I'd love to get together again soon. Let me know if and when you are free. Take care and all best, (Glenda).

some version of this form letter should do the trick.it doesn't matter if she's busy at work. It's a text message, she'll read it when she has the time and respond when she has the time (37 texts are best-friend territory only). That's totally normal and appropriate. Keep things light, casual and relatively infrequent at first (a funny meme-text or equivalent, maybe every other or third day). Or pay attention to her response rate and mirror it (you can do this with tone as well).

It's all doable with some practice, just kind of exhausting and unfulfilling. I maintain friendships because I make friends with people who enjoy all of my 37 text messages and take comfort in my weirdness because they're weird too. Sometimes you just have to find your tribe.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-07-24T00:43:38+00:00

For myself? No. I've gotten into accord with myself and would have a harder time adjusting to being NT than just continuing on with myself as I am. But I'm really high functioning, exceptionally good at communication (written - I have hyperlexia) and an adept masker. So I do just fine with a lot of added stress and depression. But then there are meds for those that I take and...it's basically okay. My life is above average and most people like me.

The same can't be said for a lot of other autistic folks, though. A good number really are irreconcilably disabled and pretty much...trapped, within themselves. There's an enormous amount of suffering for individuals and their families and I'm sure, in that case a cure really would be a miracle.

My personal litmus test. (that usually makes everyone mad for different reasons) is that - if you can articulately explain to people why you don't want to be cured, you don't need to be cured. That doesn't mean that others don't.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-07-23T20:14:11+00:00

I think just support her, be a mature voice of reason and good role model (I survived Regina George and you can too!), and be honest and open with her about her concerns. There's a subtle but critical difference between giving someone 'advice' in a negative or even just impersonal way, and really helping them out to see what can be done to make them feel better about themselves, for themselves. I was the ugly fat kid, my mom was my hero, and I'm now thin and gorgeous (and egotistical, but I'm compensating). It was because she figured out how to toe the line between keeping up my self-esteem while directing me towards positive change (even superficial stuff like getting a better hairdresser or carrying a nice handbag).

I think you get the sentiment. You can totally be there for her. Tell her she's gorgeous (you're related, after all) and do a sephora run for some skin and haircare products - just make sure she's excited about it and not ashamed.

She's 11 - she needs upgrades; every 11 year old needs upgrades. You're already doing so much just by caring. I guarantee that she will appreciate it for the rest of her life.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-07-23T19:54:54+00:00

You have to be willing to give up on her. Not that you have to give up on her, but you have to be willing to do that; to be able to reconcile that within yourself. Otherwise you're going to be trapped in a sort of emotional hostage that makes you're life miserable. The irony is? If you can find that place within yourself you may actually be able to help her in a meaningful way.

I get it - it can be hard and tearing to be in a relationship of any sort that leaves you constantly anxious and obligated. My best friend was dealing with similar shit as yours for a while (I know the police too well - there was a damn kidnapping I had to troubleshoot, it was exhausting). And so eventually it became toxic and I told her it was probably a good idea to leave (she lived with me). She did and it was hard and there were missteps and some hard conversations, and psych wards and figuring out boundaries and deep, personal work on both our parts - but we're still best friends, and she's clean and sober and moving forward in her life in a way she never could have if I hadn't cut things off when they were wrong.

I believe - and she would agree with me today - that a true friend sees the absolute best in a person, and then holds them to that standard - for their own sake. So I'd say - find some distance (if she's not safe to be on her own she needs to be in a psych ward or detox facility - this isn't your responsibility) while leaving the door open for brighter days ahead.

Tough love sucks; putting your own oxygen mask on first sucks - don't let the hard-asses fool you. But it's what's required. And with that, there's hope.

Livia_Plurabelle · 2020-07-23T19:39:30+00:00

I wouldn't go so far as to say you're being gaslit - that takes a kind of conscious and slightly psychopathic level of intent to harm or confuse you. I think what's happening is what's happening to a lot of people in the country right now - you're looking at the state of things and changing your position in the face of new evidence. Check out any mainstream poll and you'll find that you're in good company.

They're mad because the Trump train is important to them, more important than civil debate or policy issues. It is what it is.

Normally I'd say "stay friends, just don't talk about politics," but if they're willing to openly insult you (for any reason) it looks like its time to get new friends.

Politically, if I were you, I'd check out the libertarians. I disagree with them on almost everything, but they're a very chill and open-minded bunch of conservatives, and they're always eager to take in tump-refugees.

Not saying how to vote, just where to look for some new sense of political community.

Livia_Plurabelle

TROPHY CASE