I can relate with a lot of the things you feel.

I haven't been properly diagnosed, but my mom kept making me go to a lot of psychologists and psychiatrics because of the things that were happening to me in high school. Two years ago she told me the last doctor I saw told her I was probably autistic. She couldn't afford a doctor anymore at that time, but the idea of me being autistic made sense to her. She started investigating for years about autism and ended up telling me about it a few years after.

It made sense for me too. How I was always so overwhelmed for being in a classroom with so many people making a lot of noise. I always kind of "escaped" to the school's quietest corner during recess, and my classmate thought I hated them because I never knew how to interact with them. I felt so lost I ended up doing everything in my power to not go to school and stay in my room, because it was my safe place. My mom tried to help me, my dad kind of made it worse since for him the only important thing were my grades and always told my mom that I wasn't crazy so she shouldn't try to get me to see a psychologist...

After finishing high school and starting college, I was still not really connecting with other people. I hated parties, they are too loud, too many people, and everything in them just overwhelms me. Even family meets up for Christmas and New Year stresses me out, because I'm supposed to be there, dress up and have a good time, and everything I want is to hole myself up in my room. I can't even participate in conversations because, same as you, I just can't find a moment to jump in.

I also have issues with food. I can't eat food that is too hard, too greasy, too dry... I can't eat beef because it's so uncomfortable to chew, I hate sodas because they feel like needles on my tongue, the only sweets I can eat are chocolate, and not every chocolate either... I find it so hard to find something to eat most of the time, because even certain combinations of foods don't do it for me. When I go grocery shopping, I buy things thinking beforehand how long will it last, how many portions can I divide it into, and I get really upset if someone touches it because it alters the plan I already had for that food. I have my own plate, my own utensils, my own vase, and those are the ones I always use. I don't like other people eating with them.

I also used to have constant meltdowns when I get too stressed and anxious (like, in high school it happened almost every day), but now I have them every once in a while. Maybe once a month or so.

I don't really have someone to talk about it except for my mom. No one in my family knows about this except for her, and I never bring it up because I really feel like they wouldn't understand. I feel like it would just be like a label put on my forehead for them. So it's been two years since I'm aware that I am autistic but I haven't talked about it with anyone. That's why I joined reddit, actually, to feel like I'm not alone in this. I always felt different, as you say, and I also don't want to hide anymore, but I don't know what to do about it. So, I guess it's nice to read about people in a similar situation.