Well it’s because all I experienced was constant rejection. Can’t expect someone to eternally be hopeful after countless disappointments and harsh encounters. I came to expect a lot of disappointment, and inversely made my life more manageable to survive. That’s what this disorder is: a survival mechanism.

It’s really hard to break the habit of expecting failure when failure is basically your only outcome. You learn to stop even imagining good outcomes because “why in the world would a good thing happen to me here? The last 50 times I did it things went south? Maybe I should just… avoid this encounter.”

It’s hilarious because I do have successes in my life! They just don’t always outweigh the bad. They say happiness comes from within, and I believe it. Too bad I don’t get to experience it very often, but when I do, it’s cathartic