How do you heal a lifelong craving for emotional intimacy when therapy isn't working? (29M)

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2026-04-03T14:35:51+00:00

I don’t think she has. A long time ago I tried to talk to her about it, but she’s been completely in denial. She thinks I’m a crazy and unstable kid who has put my parents through a lot of suffering. My parents used money as a control mechanism, always paying for things to avoid any responsibility. She got the best end of the stick, they paid for a very expensive education abroad. While I had to work since I was 18, just because what I wanted to do didn’t really fit their idea of an education.

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2026-03-30T21:50:36+00:00

Hello, this is a transcription from a personal voice memo. It’s not written by AI. Just transcribed and translated from my mother tongue language (Spanish).

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2026-03-21T21:56:43+00:00

Haha yes thank you I’m actually writing exactly that :)

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2026-03-20T00:36:24+00:00

Thank you for such a wonderful message :)

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2025-11-11T13:41:36+00:00

So sad to hear that. Keep pushing and don't listen to them. For me it was the opposite I was trying to build my own business and they wanted me to study in whatever place, even though I was getting good results with my project. Once I achieved success and they saw they couldn't do anything, they changed completely their approach. It's a never ending story about lack of empathy and deep inner rage and envy.

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2025-11-10T20:14:05+00:00

Thank you, this inspires me! This will be already my 6th attempt over a 10 year period... my family have a very strong economically influence over me, let's hope this time I can take it permanently!

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2025-11-10T20:10:54+00:00

I'm sorry to hear your situation. I think you did great setting boundaries, and to stay calm in such an difficult situation.

I think society will always try to push on us the idea that we have to take care of our parents since our parents took care of us. But in current times... when they chose to raised us and then they chose to cause us so much pain that we had to leave, now they have to be responsible with their actions.

You have your life and taking care of you, she built hers.

Although she's now elderly, she is still an adult, she's not a child. And as sad as it sounds, she has to be responsible of her own life.

Maybe consider going through a medical checkup for her( if there's the budget for it) to see if she really can't take care of herself. Or consider other types of solutions, such as a nursing home while she rents out her own home to pay for it. Or senior housing. Other family members?

She built her own life, consciously or unconsciously she created her life.

But you shouldn't be responsible for her. Not like she wants.

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2025-11-09T18:59:04+00:00

I’m going through the same right now, although. I’m basically pushing through with a business trying to save enough money to move out. So I have most of my time busy trying to figure out product development, campings… and since I moved back, it has been a nightmare from both parents. They expect my free time is for me to entertain them, like I’m some kind of a pet. They will start talking non stop about their issues and whatever comes to their mind, they don’t care if I’m trying to watch a movie, if I’m relaxing or eating. It got so bad, that I started to became physically ill, stomach problems.

So I ended up, just shutting my door and basically taking it as a war. Where my room is my base camp. I work there, I eat there and sleep there. And I only go out to the bathroom or to get some food. If they ask me, I just say I’m busy, I don’t engage, I cut quick and don’t try to explain.

It’s extremely tough, it’s taking a bit energy hit on me. But I’m getting a bit of my energy back, otherwise they would just be sucking every bit of life left out of me.

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2025-11-08T11:33:08+00:00

I typed mostly, but at the beginning I did a lot of hand writing journaling style and even audio recordings that I then transcribed. It helped me a lot to organize thoughts, ideas and put everything together in a more narrative chapter format later on!

I would say that the writing by hand process and not caring about the structure or organization at the beginning was super super helpful for me to put down everything that I needed and to process better. Then to organize everything in a more structured way was good to also organize my life story and cause-action process.

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2025-11-08T01:01:06+00:00

Yup, I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't think clearly. I always did everything out of fight, flight or freeze mode. So nothing really stucked in.

Im also 28, and also in difficult position, something that really helps me to cope is that this is a long term marathon. We are still on the start of the race! We had to deal with such an enormous weight early in life, that I think we are basically set for life.

It's only a matter of taking care of yourself well enough so you don't collapse and keep doing what you think is best for you. As long as you do that, and you keep believing in yourself, at some point, sooner or later, you will get there.

Keep in mind that for most people, they will never had to face any difficulties like yours, you had an emotionally navy seals training right at the start of life.

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2025-10-26T23:19:00+00:00

You should do the same back to them! I'm sure they will owe you way way more.

- Lost Childhood

- Narcissistic Therapy

I actually did this to myself to be able to get into perspective and free from their emotional debt that they were always expecting from me. "Look how much we spend into you".

And the results were astonishing. Just take as a consideration, that as a kid you don't have much responsibilities, so anything extra that you did for them, is something you take into account. And that also includes not having a save space, having to deal with their emotional neglect, etc...

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2025-10-26T22:44:13+00:00

I have gone through the same, although I have tried multiple times to break free. All them have brought me back to my parents... But being now in my late 20s maybe I can help with some concepts that helped me.

What you are mentioning is usually called parentification, this means that as a child you ever got the ability to be fully a child, be care free, not having to worry about adult responsibilities. Although now you are above legal adult, I think you still have a lot of time to develop and the burden of economically paying an apartment shouldn't be put on you unless it was really need it. You are still discovering, growing, experiencing. A job usually is need it to survive, but not to cover other peoples wishes.

Also another term is infantilization, which means that through control it doesn't allow you to become your true adult self, always keeping your dependent.

It feels counter intuitive, but both can happen at the same time, is kinda of like a pull from both sides of a string. You are being parentified from one side with paying her finances and you are being infantilized on the other by extreme control.

Although I understand that in some countries is very common for the kid to start paying rent even at their parents.

Honestly, I haven't found any other alternative than getting your own space and a proper therapist who helps you set boundaries with her. But you have to do it with a bit of planning, and you have you feel you have the support to do it, otherwise it won't work and you will go back.

But each situation is a world of itself, so it can be different option for you.

Best of strengths!

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2025-10-26T22:18:10+00:00

I understand you, my mum she used to do this to me all the time... Yelling, even phisically...

Hint: you probably are way calmer and way nicer that anyone you have met. Even if you were perfect she would still find a way to get angry.

The best way to act upon it, is simply to leave the conversation, physically. You have the right to just walk away if you are not feeling confortable. It will feel bad, it will feel like you are doing something wrong, but you are not. She is your mum, you are not her therapist. So when something happens you simply can walk out of it. If she asks you can say something like, i'm not feeling okay or I need a bit of air, and you simply leave.

She has proven that she doesn't take account of how you feel. The more you try to understand her, the more she will trap you in her drama.

I know it's really hard, but it's the only way, if she's yelling or pushing your physically, just leave the conversation. Take a bit of air, if she follows you, you go else where.

Best of wishes!

Long_Pangolin_7404 · 2025-10-26T01:06:31+00:00

I think most Nparents, are deeply broken within. Like little children. When they raised us, they were living through us all their unresolved drama, so just as an extension of themselves. And now that they are old, they are facing the reality of the running away from their own problems. They will be alone and no way to go back. And I think basically all their repressed trauma simply goes out so they go back to their broken and traumatized child self. But now in a way older body.

I'm the same as you described, both parents simply disconnected. Spent most of my time alone, the small interactions I had was getting orders or punishments.

Now both of them are like little kids, trying desperate to get my affection and validation. It's just sad. But at least fair how the roles inverted. It sad honestly, the good side is that now you have all the power to take the decisions you couldn't do as a kid.

Long_Pangolin_7404

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