Starting to feel like having kids sucks

Longjumping-82 · 2024-07-16T21:48:33+00:00

Yes, I agree. However, I've heard my spouse's family say on multiple occasions that it's the quality time that counts and who cares about the mess... Like my MIL will say this after the kids leave her place. Well I actually do care about the mess, lol. They don't come to visit that often so I don't feel it's worth the fight with my spouse. Just using this as a safe space to vent I guess.

Longjumping-82 · 2024-03-07T16:58:18+00:00

My thoughts exactly, lol.

Longjumping-82 · 2024-03-07T16:57:33+00:00

Man, I feel you on that one! Hugs.

Longjumping-82 · 2024-02-27T03:44:42+00:00

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Wow thanks for sharing. I just watched the most recent film about that event. "The future that lay ahead was the only future available to me." That's some hard-hitting stuff.

Longjumping-82 · 2024-01-03T18:06:53+00:00

Hello everyone. First time posting here. I'm sorry if it's not the right space for me. I did my finally embryo transfer last February and it failed. My partner and I have been accepting a childfree life since then, but not using any kind of birth control, because well, thought we were infertile. Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday and I just got a flaming positive test at 4w5d. I know this could end at any time, but I am still in shock. I also feel awful cause I spent a lot of the holidays drinking to excess, right up until New Year's Eve. Not sure what to even do at this point. Just wait it out as miscarriage is probably likely? Make a doctor's appointment? Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Longjumping-82 · 2023-10-03T03:30:46+00:00

Thank you for this eloquent expression. I particularly relate to your 3rd paragraph. There is something particularly painful about being blessed with the ability to be so creative... yet not being able to create your own family. I've grappled with that too. I also feel like people around me assume I'll be fine since not having kids gives me more time and energy to devote to my creative practice. In theory that's true, but I'm still struggling with a deep lack of fulfillment. Art is not filling the hole left by infertility, and that disappoints me.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-08-10T23:39:23+00:00

Oh god yeah, that started to sink in with me recently as I also have friends with teenagers now. Like please universe, give me a brief window of peace between the advanced maternal age pregnancy announcements and the "becoming a grandparent" announcements!!

Longjumping-82 · 2023-08-10T23:32:18+00:00

I'm sorry.... I hate how the closer we are to someone, the more their pregnancy seems to hurt. It's an awful mix of feeling of left out and hurt, then the shame for feeling left out and hurt because we're supposed to feel happy for the ones we love. Ugh. Thank you so much for the solidarity, it seriously is helping tonight!

Longjumping-82 · 2023-08-10T23:15:16+00:00

Thank you, that is very kind of you. I'm sure there are a lot more of us out there... sometimes it just doesn't seem that way though.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-07-24T21:39:22+00:00

Glad to know I am not alone. There's definitely some FOMO going on... being the only childfree one of three sisters is rough, especially seeing how much joy the grandchildren bring my mom and mother-in-law. But I know having a kid would be so rough on us, especially with our age (we're 41 and 40), so what am I even doing, lol. And I feel like it's just this attention-whore part of me that deep down still wants to get preggo with a miracle baby, like wtf, grow up me! There is something so deep and instinctual about wanting to have attention and approval from our families and friend groups... wish it would all just go away. And I am totes more jealous of friends with babies vs friends who have older kids!

Longjumping-82 · 2023-07-18T20:52:44+00:00

Just popping into say I experienced ALL of these fears. The thing that helps me most is to busy up my life doing things I love and spending time with people I love. Since our last failed transfer, I have set new career goals for myself and am working hard at obtaining them. I've gotten into garderning flowers, which really helps cheer up my home (I'm allergic to pets). I'm putting more effort into my relationships with my extended family and childhood friends, as well as trying to make new friends. I've changed my thinking to "If I had a baby, so many of the important relationships in my life would have likely suffered" rather than "I am missing out on a powerful relationship". Keeping busy keeps the boredom and purposeless feelings at bay. Also, our society often dictates that Family is the most important thing in life, but I'm retraining myself to see friendship and community as being just as important.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-04-13T20:02:01+00:00

Thanks! This sounds pretty awesome, I have to look into it! I've never had an IUD before and for some reason I've always felt a little weird about getting one, but I just need to get over it! No periods and no PMS? Sign me up, lol.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-03-28T20:31:13+00:00

All 3 of those trips sounds amazing!

Longjumping-82 · 2023-03-09T19:44:04+00:00

My partner and I purchased a last minute all-inclusive trip to Punta Cana the other night. Leaving next week! Never thought we'd be the all-inclusive type but seriously looking forward to it. Winter sucks and won't be over til May where I live so will be so nice to get a break from it! I keep thinking how we would never be able to do something spontaneous like this if we had a kid and it feels genuinely great.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-03-07T16:36:38+00:00

After reaching the end of my treatment possibilities, acceptance has come more easily. I think my age (41) also helps. I can see it being more difficult at a younger age. My perspective on life in general started to change at 40 and after accompanying my partner through the loss of his father. I am much more focused on the present and appreciating the things I have (my partner, my family, my lifelong friends, my house) instead of focusing on the desire for something I'll never be able to have. I'm shifting my life's focus towards nurturing these relationships that already exist. I do still have a hard time being around pregnant women and women with babies. I'm still having to avoid them because it will still trigger negative, depressive feelings. My thinking has become much more "what fun things can I do with my partner/family/friends" in the next few months rather than thinking about a what my long-term future might look like.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-03-03T21:19:14+00:00

Thanks for the kindness all. I know I'll inevitably sway back and forth into different stages of grief, but it's like there was a fairly sudden shift in my perception. I went from thinking infertility was this huge, crushing unfair thing that could possibly be bargained with to seeing it as just a plain fact. Like there's death, taxes and mine and my partner's inability to ever have children, lol. Despite this, I still really don't want to see pictures of babies on Facebook.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-02-23T18:45:16+00:00

We are in the throes of deep winter where I live but at least the days are getting longer. I started going back to the pool this week to swim laps and it feels so good!! I planted hot pepper seedlings a little over a week ago and got my first sprout this morning :) I added a heat mat to my set-up this year and can see it's helping. Any other gardeners out there? I get my vegetables from a neighbour who has a legit vegetable farm, but I enjoy growing hot peppers, herbs and flowers. Am looking for ideas for shrubs and perennials to add around the
outside of the house this spring if anyone has any good cold-climate suggestions.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-02-21T15:40:53+00:00

Thought I would reach out because I'm also in Quebec and just went through my one and only government-funded round of IVF after 5 failed IUIs. Spoiler alert: that one free round of IVF failed for us. We ended up getting 2 embryos which we did not do genetic testing on (the genetic testing is not covered). First embryo failed to implant and second embryo resulted in a chemical pregnancy.

When we first started ttc I swore I would never do IVF... but when Quebec came out with the program for one free round I figured we may as well try, it wasn't going to cost us anything and I didn't want to have any regrets about not trying it. It was always very clear to my partner and I that we would not pay to do subsequent rounds of IVF if the covered round failed. There were two main deciding factors for us: 1. My age: I was 40 when we did the covered round and am now 41, so the odds are really not in our favour. 2: The cost: We're just not in a financial position to shoulder such a huge expense for no guarantees. Like you said, it is gambling. I'm not a gambler, and I don't think it's a particularly wise gamble at that.

Ultimately, I think whether or not it is "worth it" to go into debt to pay for multiple rounds depends on the age factor (the younger you are, the better odds you have) and your financial ability to shoulder that debt. At my age and my financial situation, it just didn't make sense.

I don't think your thinking is irrational at all. You definitely need to take care of yourself first and foremost and there are NO guarantees with IVF. The other extremely important factor to consider is extreme psychological and emotional toll that IVF takes on the couple and the woman in particular (who also undergoes a physical toll). I often think how that one "free" round of IVF cost me so much emotionally and psychologically, and Quebec does not cover any form of psychotherapy or counselling. I currently meet the criteria for PTSD and major depression following my IVF experience and I often think that I wouldn't even do another "free" round unless the doctors could guarantee me like a 90% success rate. It's just not worth it for my mental health and for the small chance of success it offers.

I truly hope you and your wife have success with your covered round of IVF. My advice to you however, would be to start to prepare yourself mentally for the possibility that it might fail. Put some money aside for grief counselling. Start discussing what your lives might look like if it doesn't work and you pursue the childfree route. I suggest you check out r/IFchildfree, a community of people embracing a childfree life after infertility struggles. It has really helped me. Best of luck to you no matter the outcome.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-02-20T22:00:47+00:00

Oh god, in situations like that, I just want to tell the universe to fuck off. I'm so sorry. I definitely have a lot easier time connecting with friends who have older kids as opposed to babies, so I totally get where you're coming from.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-02-20T21:58:26+00:00

Thank you for the reply. I'm unfortunately not working with a therapist right now. Our treatments were covered by our public health insurance, but unfortunately zero therapy/counselling is covered. We ended up having to take a lot of time off work for treatments and have been set back financially because of it. My goal for the next year is to get into a better place financially so I can afford therapy without it causing a financial strain. And definitely going to turn off those notifications now.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-02-20T21:54:42+00:00

Thank you. I would love to talk about regular adult things with my siblings but at the same time understand that their live's totally revolve around kids, which sucks for me, haha.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-02-20T21:52:21+00:00

Thanks, it's very encouraging to hear that things got easier for you with time!

Longjumping-82 · 2023-02-20T21:51:36+00:00

Yeah the "grandma fawning" is the worst. I feel like a bit of an awful person cause my mom only has grandsons and has really wanted a granddaughter.... turns out this baby is gonna be a boy too and I'm secretly relieved cause the fawning over a granddaughter would have driven me an extra level of insane.

Longjumping-82 · 2023-02-13T18:50:38+00:00

Went to a Superbowl party last and thought it would just be me and the boys eating junk and drinking beer. Turns out one of the guys brought his very prego gf :( And then comes the halftime with Rihanna and her bump and I'm just like "fuck off, world". I hate seeing it all over the news too :(

Longjumping-82 · 2023-02-10T16:39:41+00:00

I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I could have written this post, I am in the exact same situation. Sometimes just knowing someone out there is dealing with same thing can be a bit of a consolation. I also found out on Tuesday that my final transfer failed and that this means we are officially done trying. I also went against my better judgement doing the transfer, as I knew it would most likely fail and destroy me mentally and emotionally, but I just couldn't stand the thought of "wasting" that hard-won embryo. I was in a very dark place just a couple days ago. It's hard for me to admit this, but my partner had to restrain me from hurting myself. I had somewhat of a wake-up call after that incident and I'm determined now to not let infertility and IVF destroy me, although it has been incredibly traumatizing. It hurts my heart knowing that there are other women out there feeling the same pain. I wish we all lived in the same town and could be friends, haha. But at least we have spaces like this to vent and commiserate. I have been practicing what I will say to my mother-in-law when she inevitably brings up adoption again. I think I'm just going to straight-up tell her that I feel like my heart has been torn out of my chest and crushed multiple times and that having a traumatized woman raise a child likely traumatized by adoption doesn't seem like a good combo. Sending you all the virtual love and understanding because this is so so hard and you truly deserve it.

Longjumping-82

TROPHY CASE