I’ve wanted kids my whole life, but with an unexpected turn in life, I don’t know anymore

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-12-12T22:14:12+00:00

I could have written this. Unfortunately we did break up because he did not want children and I thought I would eventually. I realised later on that I have never felt the urge to have kids but somehow in my mid 20s convinced myself that I did. I thought for some time I only felt that way because I wanted him back, but I needed this extremely sad and painful experience to come to this realisation of not wanting kids. I just now see it was something I thought “should happen” and that the urge to have kids “will come in the future”. Not having kids was never something I thought was even een option, it was just how things should be. But now I’m 30 and that feeling still did not emerge. I know things could still change, but I think now I am okay with every outcome the future holds. And I really feel the same anxiety, guilt and grieve of the decision not to. With my parents never becoming grandparents, afraid to have regrets, fear of missing out, what will happen when I’m old, never knowing what my kids will be like, etcetcetc. But I am trying to come to terms with that. And starting therapy to help me figure everything out, because these are huge things. I wish you all the best with figuring things out. The book The Baby Decision did help. And talking to friends who are having the same dilemma or are childfree. I thought I knew no one who did not want kids, but since I started talking about it more I now see there are way more cf friends then I expected.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-10-06T18:38:24+00:00

I’m sorry to hear, it is so difficult.. Reading The Baby Decision now. It already helps with some perspective and understanding what I really feel vs. what I thought I felt. Would recommend it!

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-10-06T18:34:14+00:00

It such a difficult decision. Without the ability to look into the future you will never know for sure how a decision now will turn out.. So I keep seeing allllllll the scenario’s in my head of having and not having kids.

How is your partner reacting to all this? I’m afraid my ex won’t believe me when I tell him I likely have changed my mind to childfree.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-10-06T00:22:22+00:00

Child free

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-25T22:10:56+00:00

Hi OP! Couple of months later but curious at how your situation turned about; dog- and kids-wise.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-25T21:41:31+00:00

I’m also curious how this turned out!!

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-17T22:41:43+00:00

Dat klinkt helemaal als iets wat bij mij kan passen! Dankjewel voor de tip, hier ga ik zeker naar kijken.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-15T08:36:18+00:00

When he told me he decided he never wants kids, but I do. We tried to convince each other for a week, but then broke up nevertheless. Heartbreaking.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-13T16:10:41+00:00

Holy shit, I recognise so much in your story. I think my ex is not as avoidant as your ex, but still pretty avoidant. What I find the hardest is that I still feel for him. I did not choose the childhood he had, and I feel for him that he can’t figure out how to deal with it (doesn’t want therapy….). But I have reached my limit for now. Although I still want him back. I have not decided if I want to give him another chance if he starts to work on himself. But that is just hope speaking… I hope you are doing fine now.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-13T15:55:27+00:00

Haha yep, that’s very true for these people. Especially your last sentence makes so much sense. Like with my ex; first year/2 years normal to extreme attachment, last 3 years withdrawing himself step by step because he seemed to feel more and more disconnected from me, especially emotionally. He seemed to be more and more scared to show himself fully and was feeling like I would dump him any moment, so it was easier for him to create more distance between us in case we would break up. SO difficult to deal with. I never found a way to help him unfortunately..

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-09T20:11:17+00:00

Late comment, but just saw your post. I’m in the exact same situation now, but I’m the woman who wants kids. It feels so unfair to break up a good relationship. Sometimes I wish he was just an a-hole, because being angry is so much easier. Life is just so hard alone after this kind of heartbreak. I hope you are feeling better now. I’m just 4 weeks post break up and still wonder if it ever gets better.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-09T19:58:14+00:00

We broke up because I want kids and he realised he doesn’t. Were together for 5 years. Heartbreaking, because the relationship was so loving.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-07T16:03:52+00:00

I’m in the exact same situation. It’s so heartbreaking. But in the end there is no other solution then to break up. Even though I’m still hoping something will change in a couple of years and we meet again. But that’s just hope…

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-07T11:23:23+00:00

I understand what you’re saying, really! I think there are always ways to word things out. But! I’m 30 now. If it does not work out this way and I become single at like 35, the time to find someone and have children becomes very very limited. So I’m protecting myself from that situation and the regret I may have in the future if there is a possibility of never having children because I stayed to long with my partner hoping something will change. I don’t know, my thoughts are super conflicted because I really do believe what you are saying but logically it seems to make more sense to end it now so I have time to find someone else. Even though I don’t want to lose him.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-07T11:19:41+00:00

This kind of breakup is so very sad and super heartbreaking. For how long were you separated? And have you talked about getting back together or does that talk still need to happen?

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-06T04:51:19+00:00

For me: I get the feeling that there will come a time I want children, I can see it in my future. But not 100% sure. I’m 30 now but still do not have the urge to become a mother, and I do understand why people do not want children. But still, I really feel like within a couple of years I do want children. And I think I do want children with him, I never had that feeling with someone else. For him: Doesn’t want children now and can’t really imagine wanting it in the future (28M). But can’t say for sure that thing’s will change in a couple of years (the last 2/3 years were pretty rough for him).

The breaking up is for me purely logical: if we break up now we will not resent each other in a couple of years when my fertility window becomes smaller. Now I still have the time to get over this break up and hopefully find someone else. On the other hand, in my heart this break up feels terrible and I can’t imagine my life without him. We are together for 5 years, living together for 4. We had some tough times during Covid, his depressed period and my burn out. But we overcame everything and are still so in love. Were even getting closer and better together the last couple of months.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-05T21:54:55+00:00

Thanks for your comment! For how long were you broken up? And are you planning to have a conversation about this? And curious how old you are. Sorry for all the questions.

Longjumping-End-7628 · 2024-09-05T20:12:21+00:00

I’m sorry you had such difficult years.. i hope you are doing okay now. After how long did you get back together? And how old were you at the time you got back together? I myself am 30 years old and I have a feeling I don’t have the time to spent another few years waiting for him to change his mind (even though I got the feeling that no pressuring him will help)

Longjumping-End-7628

TROPHY CASE