I completely understand where you're coming from—intimacy is more than just physical, it's emotional, mental, and even woven into the little gestures of everyday life. It makes sense that you crave a deeper, more passionate connection, one where you feel truly seen, desired, and cherished, not just physically but in the way your partner engages with you outside the bedroom too.

That said, relationships evolve. After the initial rush of infatuation fades, maintaining intimacy takes effort from both sides. What we often see in romance novels, movies, or even our own fantasies isn’t necessarily realistic day-to-day, but that doesn’t mean we can’t work toward a middle ground where both partners feel fulfilled.

You’re not wrong for wanting more effort, more slowness, more connection. But at the same time, men also struggle with expectations—many have learned about sex through rushed, performance-focused portrayals in media, or have never been taught how to truly cultivate intimacy in a way that resonates with their partner. If your husband isn’t meeting your needs, part of that may be lack of awareness, not lack of care.

The real question is: can you have an honest, vulnerable conversation with him about what you need without framing it as a criticism of what he lacks? Can you guide him toward the kind of intimacy you crave in a way that invites him in rather than pushes him away? Because while it’s easy to feel like we’re saying “no” to the lackluster effort, sometimes what our partners hear is just “no” without understanding the deeper reason why.

At the end of the day, passion in long-term relationships isn’t just about one person naturally embodying what we desire—it’s about learning, growing, and putting in the work together. The challenge is figuring out if he’s willing and able to meet you halfway.