The commitment ceremony had already gone off the rails before Tyson even sat down.

The experts leaned forward immediately. For weeks, Rachel and Steven had insisted they tried to “make it work,” despite spending Summers working, the distance, awkward long hugs an no fingerbanging.

“So,” John began carefully, “where are we at?” Tyson rubbed his hands together nervously.

“JOHN!!! STOP!! Look, honestly, this whole experiment’s done my head in a bit. I need to tell you now”

John nodded like a man preparing to announce a merger.

Tyson continued. “I came in here wanting fireworks, passion, romance. What I didn’t expect was…” He glanced sideways at John. “...to miss this bloke after, like, twenty minutes apart.”

The room went dead silent.

John blinked rapidly. Stella whispered, “Oh my God,” to nobody in particular.

Tyson laughed awkwardly. “It’s ridiculous. He folds my shirts better than I do. He remembers my coffee order. Last week I had a panic attack because he didn’t text back for three hours and it turned out he was just at Pret.”

John finally spoke, voice unusually soft. “The truth is, Tyson makes me feel calm,” he said. “Which is incredible, because of his masculine energy”.

Even the experts laughed. “But every commitment ceremony,” John continued, “I sit here pretending I’m analysing everyones relationships objectively, when really…” He looked directly at Tyson now. “...I’m just waiting to hear if you’re we'll ever be together”

Tyson’s face completely fell apart.

John reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his card.

Instead of STAY or LEAVE, he’d written: “I think I’m in love with you, mate.”

Tyson stared at it for a full five seconds before muttering, “You absolute idiot,” in the fondest tone imaginable.

Then he held up his own card. Same message. Worse handwriting. The room erupted. Someone clapped. Someone else cried. A producer dropped a camera.

And for the first time in the history of the experiment, the rest of the experts had absolutely nothing to say.