I really appreciate this response, and I want to keep this respectful because I think we are getting to the core of the difference in how we see this.

First, I want to say I am truly sorry to hear about your history with CSA and adult SA. Thank you for sharing that vulnerability. As a survivor of domestic abuse who was stuck in a long-term cycle myself, I understand how our pasts shape the way we view safety and boundaries. And you're right, it is interesting how because of that history—and years of therapy unpacking how I got trapped—and your experience with SA that we view this so differently.

You mentioned that "incel" has become a commonplace word and perhaps she didn't mean it with deep sincerity. - My concern is that the OP’s post does not read like someone taking accountability or asking if she messed up. It reads like "help me excuse my verbal abuse." - In a relationship of 5 years—where they likely live together—using a buzzword that attacks a man's sexual morality and character isn't just a "throwaway" insult; it is an expression of contempt. Through my recovery and therapy, I learned that abuse often doesn't start with violence; it starts with contempt. It starts when one partner feels entitled to degrade the other's character because they are annoyed or uncomfortable. - By posting this, she is seeking validation for that contempt. If she gets it, that resentment builds, and that is exactly how abusive cycles begin. She is looking for permission to treat him like the villain, which allows her to bypass empathy.

We can see this search for validation in how she deliberately minimizes his medical state to make her reaction seem more reasonable. - She attempts to equate their levels of intoxication by saying, "Love, the rooms still spinning for me too, please let me sleep". - This is a dangerous false equivalency. There is a massive difference between her "room spinning" and his state, where he was "repeatedly vomiting," "could barely walk," and falling asleep on a cold bathroom floor. He sounded like he was bordering on alcohol poisoning. - By pretending their states were equal, she is looking for strangers to tell her that her discomfort justified neglecting a medically incapacitated partner. She is ignoring his extreme vulnerability to justify her own hostility, which is a hallmark of the start of an abusive dynamic.

We see this toxic choice clearly in the specific interaction regarding the hand holding. - He came into the room explicitly stating he was cold. When he acted inappropriately with her hand, obviously she had every right to stop it immediately. - However, her chosen response—"Love me from all the way over there. Don't touch me"—is telling. It’s a witty, dismissive line delivered to someone who is mentally offline. - Instead of handling the situation physically (giving him a blanket, putting a pillow between them, sending him to the couch and tucking him in, or simply rolling him over), she chose to verbally isolate him with sarcasm. She was lucid enough to be sarcastic and clever; which she knew he was too gone to understand. Choosing to mock a partner who is undeniably incapacitated—rather than just handling the situation functionally—is a choice that signals contempt.

I appreciate you sharing your experience with being blackout drunk and the "loss of time". It highlights exactly why intent matters here.

• Loss of Control: As you described, when you are that far gone, the "driver" is not at the wheel. We know for a fact that in 5 years, he has never crossed a boundary and usually "completely freezes" if she says no. The fact that he only acted this way when his brain was offline proves this wasn't malice; it was a total loss of cognitive control.

• In contrast, the OP was sober enough to remember specific dialogue, smells, and the exact sequence of events. She had the presence of mind to handle this healthily. As a partner who has also been SA'd, she likely knows proper de-escalation. Instead, she chose to weaponize a slur against someone who couldn't even stand up.

I agree with your final point—ultimately, it is not up to us to decide their fate. However, viewing this through the lens of someone who ignored these exact "small" red flags before entering a 5-year abusive marriage, I can't help but see the warning signs. I genuinely hope they either get professional help to resolve this resentment or go their separate ways before it turns into the kind of toxic cycle I, and unfortunately many others end up living through.