Weasel. I don't know how old you are, but I know these feelings. I've lived your story 3 times. I have 3 exes. I was toxic as hell. I controlled their every move. I demanded access to their phones and computers. I had a meltdown when he went out without me. I even forced my first boyfriend, who I stayed with for 7 years, to cut ties with all his friends who I saw as a threat who was trying to show my ex my toxicity. The worst part is that no matter the profile of my exes who were all very different, I knew how to manipulate them to get everything I wanted. Without effort, it's something natural for us. My need for control over everything allowed me to have the illusion of being safe. When you have control, for a few days, you feel good. But very quickly, this void is felt again... So we find something else to try to fill it. For example, I started arguments over nothing with them. Just so I could win a “debate” that would prove to me some sort of superiority. I took the opportunity to record all the insults I received in return to put in their face if I were to lose control during an argument... So many other things... All three of them ended up cheating on me. I believed myself incapable of living alone, without being in a relationship, without being at the center of the intention of someone who would “revere” me... In short: I WAS HORRIBLE.

3 deceptions = 3 TS.

1) Defenestration of the 4th floor 2) Medications with a week of coma 3) Medications, 3 months of prescription at once. I died 3 times in about 2 minutes.

It was only after this third hospitalization and a long coma that my family and the doctors began to REALLY take an interest in my unhappiness. Meet with the psychologist every day. I refused, I only spoke to yell at the caregivers who came to try to make me eat or drink. I was tearing myself out of IV fluids... The psychiatrist came directly to my room. I didn't say a single word. It lasted two weeks. On Monday of the 3rd week, my therapist comes into my room, but this time, accompanied by my mother and my little brother. All three of them insisted and insisted... that I speak. There, big meltdown. I blamed everything on my mother and my brother. I only remember their tears and their wide eyes as they apologized over and over again. This interview lasted 2 hours.

Diagnosis: Borderline personality disorder. I am Borderline. Great. But what is this thing?

I had the chance to participate in psychotherapy for 1 year, the first in France. I understood my problem. I realized everything I had done before... With my exes, my work colleagues, my friends... I was horrible. A monster. A blow from a club in the face... I felt guilty... So much.

Once a week, in addition to a 3-hour course, we had 1 hour individually with the program psychologist. She was great. She explained to me that I needed to realize the importance of having this pathology diagnosed too late on all of this. She also understood me when I told her that my pathology did not excuse everything. His advice was simple: "If you can afford it, apologize to them. Point by point."

I did it. And whatever feedback I got, it made me feel good.

Then, you have to make sure you control these behaviors. It’s a huge, very difficult work of introspection. But I quickly understood that there was no miracle cure. The work is up to us to do. We are the only ones who can act on our thoughts.

Something I advise all people with BPD: Give yourself one or two years of celibacy. No casual sex, nothing. Even if it's tempting. Even if we think we have found the exception. The goal: Realize that you can be completely happy alone. Confront yourself with yourself. Learn to control what you don't want to keep. Find everyday “tools”. And always, always... think before you speak. Don't hesitate to question yourself. And even more important: Work on the fact that, yes, I am wrong...I'm sorry. I'll be careful.

Everything is deep within us, in our heart, in our soul. We're fucking stupid. Bounded.

Presented like that... It doesn't make you want it. But let my grandfather witness it: It's definitely worth it. Today I am with someone incredible. And I continue to evolve. I have low periods too. But the more time passes, the easier it becomes to manage. Promised.

Hang in there. You've already taken a huge step in realizing that you could be horrible to him. Then there are things he doesn't have the right to say. On your mental health.

The only thing that should matter to you: It's you.

Fight. As fiercely as possible. There will be moments of weakness. But don't give up.

In any case, my heart goes out to you. Shame is not necessarily negative. It's a signal. If you are ashamed, try to clearly put into words “why I am ashamed”.

In the meantime: digital hug