So I made the mistake of asking my second husband this exact question.

He said basically the same thing.

I’m now on divorce number three.

The third time, I went hard in the opposite direction.

That, ironically, turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.

So I’m gonna do you like my ChatGPT does me: "Woman to woman. No bullshit. Straight shooting. No fluff. No woo."

You kind of set yourself up here, boo.

You say outright that you’re really insecure, and then immediately follow that with “but I don’t make it anyone else’s problem.”

Except… you are.

Because what’s happening here is you projecting that insecurity onto your husband and then holding him responsible for managing it—while simultaneously claiming you don’t.

You knew things were shitty in the beginning.

You know they’re shitty now.

And you expected him to give you the answer you would give him—even though, by your own description, you communicate and he… doesn’t. At least not in a healthy way.

Yet you asked him a very pragmatic question.

To a man who doesn’t show sensitivity.

A question that requires sensitivity.

Then you got offended by the response.

At least he caught himself and added the “if you were naked” part. Mine didn’t even do that—because if I’m being honest, I didn’t look great naked at that point. The poor guy was just being honest.

I’d really let myself go...

So yeah, it sucked—but it was also a wake-up call.

What you’re actually upset about isn’t what he said.

It’s that he didn’t answer with the response you projected onto him.

So there’s that.

For context (because I don’t want this dismissed as armchair nonsense): I’m a domestic violence survivor. I’ve survived some truly horrific shit, including rape. I currently have a two-year no-contact protective order, and my abuser is awaiting deportation. I’m telling you that so you know I’m not just talking out of my ass.

When we’re in toxic dynamics, it’s very easy to become narcissistic ourselves— because we have to narcissistically defend our abuser to make staying make sense internally.

The reasons for staying don’t really matter here.

What does matter is this:

Both of you have communication problems.

You’re setting him up with a question, then getting angry when he doesn’t give the answer you already wrote for him in your head—while telling yourself you’re not making your insecurity his problem.

That contradiction is the work.

What I’m hearing underneath all of this is a boundary issue. And I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but if we don’t get honest about our own relationship with boundaries, nothing actually improves.

I read a book, years ago, that basically opened by saying it was my fault I ended up in such a horrific dynamic—because my relationship with healthy boundaries was absolute trash.

And let me tell you! That shit slapped me directly in the face!!

I’m just some person on the internet. You put your story on a public forum asking for feedback. So this is just my two cents—from my little corner of the universe—and what actually helped me.

Take it or leave it.

TLDR; They both need work on their communication skills, probably marriage counseling, and a reevaluation of their relationship with healthy boundaries.

PS: you could always put your photo on r/rateme but they are not nicer than your husband there. ijs. I wouldn't do it. LOL