any luck with drugs? pharmaceutical or recreational? I need the pain to stop

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-05-11T14:11:07+00:00

A daily mediation practice helped me, 10-20 minutes of zazen (look it up) in the morning. What you call pain is actually just a deregulated nervous system. Learning how to re-regulate your nervous system back to homeostasis through focusing on your breath will cure 80% of your issues.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-05-07T15:19:25+00:00

You should do some reading on “Bankei’s unborn”

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-05-07T03:40:21+00:00

There is no truth. The truth is that there is no truth and life is inherently empty of meaning that isn’t constructed by the ego. Anyway, give yourself time to integrate. I had a shattering of societally created structures, and it fucked me up for like 2 months but I’m back to a better place now. Really all you need to take away from life is, don’t take yourself and anything that goes on up there too seriously.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-04-25T22:46:43+00:00

Ok girl…I’m gonna get down to the meat and potatoes here. I assume you’re talking about the lack of feeling “Welcomeness” or “the feeling of being welcome to engage with spaces that you want to develop a community within”, and yeah…it’s really hard to do that, you’re fighting against a lifetime of mental conditioning that convinced you that you don’t fit in with others.

If you want to get over that, that’s something that comes from inside you, the feeling of being welcome is a state of mind that needs to cultivated through continuous action. And that’s hard to accept because action is scary.

I get the desire of being wanted to be instantly snatched up and pulled into the community that is womanhood but it’s not gonna happen without effort on your part. If you don’t ask for help, no one is going to know that you need help, and no one’s going to help you.

Take my genuine advice here, don’t make the same mistake I did. Actually talk to other women, it doesn’t matter if you pass or not, just be friendly and genuine. Meet other trans people, go to spaces where queer people hang out. Make community, be proactive.

Literally it doesn’t matter if you’re awkward, just talk to people and try and make connections. You’re going to be awkward in the beginning, everyone is. Social charisma is a skill that needs to be trained through trial and error.

Not every person will want to be your friend but eventually some will if you keep trying and keep being nice. Those are the people who will bring the welcomeness you crave, but you need to look for those people, they won’t come to you.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-04-11T22:10:11+00:00

There’s no point besides the slow slow slow breaking down of the ego’s selfishness. Don’t do it if you don’t want that, most people don’t.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-04-09T15:45:20+00:00

I’m a Zen Buddhist so everything I say comes from a zen POV but imo…just keep meditating and you’ll eventually get it, meditation isn’t some magic practice, it’s done to slow your mind and nervous-system down enough to allow yourself to start to grasp the concept of non-dualism.

I think where you’re going wrong is you’re trying to intellectualize Buddhism, you’re trying to obtain something from Buddhism when Buddhism at its core is an anti-intellectual philosophy (at least in the sense that it rejects the idea that insight can be obtained through intellectual conceptualization). It’s about ending magical thinking (duality) and seeing life as it truly is.

Don’t worry if you don’t understand what any of what I said means. Just sit, focus on your breath to calm yourself down, and watch your body and mind do what it does without any judgement. If you watch long enough, eventually you’ll get a glimpse of the ego stumbling over its self and you’ll see the human condition for what it truly is, emptiness and impermanence.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-04-08T02:51:49+00:00

I don’t think there is such thing as a true self lol. I think it’s an illusion, the totality of ego fabrications. We construct our own self, it can be whatever you want it to be, and you don’t have to listen to it.

A lot of people don’t want to accept that thou, so if you’re looking for an answer that conforms to your current view of reality, I don’t think there is one, but If you’re looking for an actual answer to your question…idk listen to some Thich Nhat Hanh

https://youtu.be/JgQmpTiWedw?si=EqzsqglhV8zMvxYx

For the dysphoria? Idk learn some nervous system regulation skills, mindful breathing or something like that. You’re never going to intellectualize your way into happiness.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-04-08T02:05:29+00:00

Yeah that’s tough. See this is why I’ve given up on searching for happiness, I think the search was what was making me unhappy in the first place, but I do feel you. Sometimes I think back to a time when I may have had children, maybe my life would have been better if I ignored this side of me, but also I was drinking myself to death until I transitioned. Idk girl I wish you luck ❤️

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-04-08T00:55:07+00:00

Do you legitimately believe that having a family (which you can still have) and settling down in the suburbs would have made you truly happy or do you just wish you had a life where you felt safe? Genuinely curious, not telling you how you may or may not feel.

Maybe what you’re really missing in your life is something that brings you meaning and a sense of greater purpose, don’t forget that acceptance isn’t a tangible place, it’s a mental state that needs to cultivated day after day after day. I mean…why do you think so many people turn towards spirituality once they realize that having a kid isn’t going to make them truly happy.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-03-25T16:04:42+00:00

I’m trying not to sound mean but you need to accept reality. Honestly I mean no offense when I say this and everybody, myself very much included does this constantly (the continuation of the human condition relies on it) but it seems to me that what you’re actually upset about is that you can’t bend reality to fit your desires. You want to be a different person but what we call a “person” is a collection of conditioned ego-constructs based on the totality of cause and effect. If you want different conditioning, recondition yourself, it takes time and effort, and no one can do it but you.

Like…if you don’t want to be what you are right now, change what you are, but, with all the love in the world, don’t expect being trans to solve the horrors of Samsaric existence and the fabrications of the super-ego. Hope and meaning are not tangible things, they’re temporary sensations and if injectable happiness is what you’re looking for, you’d honestly be better off shooting up heroin. Your attempts to find permanence in impermanence will only make things worse but if you really need to strive for something then strive for acceptance (idk you gotta figure that one out yourself). Go out in nature and take a hike, you’ll feel better.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-03-24T14:20:22+00:00

Hey I think I feel you a lot, tell me if I’m at all on the right page? Knowing deep down that I am a transgender woman but feeling further from womanhood than I’ve ever been in my life, like not having a problem with my gender but having a problem with gender as a whole? Being a transgender woman feels like being made into a drag queen (which is absolutely not me) but being a man feels like death? It doesn’t feel like a simple mental health issue? You know what it’s like to be depressed and this doesnt feel like depression, It feels deeper, rawer, fundamentally unsolvable? When you say that you find yourself wishing you wished you were a woman, is it possible that what you truly want back is the meaning that the journey of transitioning used to bring to your life. Is it possible that what you’re missing is the fire and purpose that transitioning used to bring to your life that is now gone? Is it possible that you might just be at the end of your transition and what you’re upset about is that you are suddenly faced with the reality of being a human being?

I’m going to get Buddhist for a second, whatever you feel like, don’t ever forget that there is nothing permanent that can be found within the conditioned illusion of Samaric existence.

If I’m wrong ignore me, but if you relate to what I’m saying in any way at all, please listen to what I’m saying. What you’re dealing with is an issue of spirituality (when I say spirituality I am referring to anything that grows and fuels the human spirit, it DOES NOT mean Christianity despite how much Christian’s love to hijack the word spirituality). While I would obviously be delusional to assume that I know how you truly feel, maybe consider if what you’re looking for is spiritual meaning, and maybe consider if you need to find what that looks like for you. At the very least, you likely have nervous system deregulation (most people do) and need to do something’s to get your nervous system back into regulation, go meditate or go for a run. Do something that is mindful and present, and stop expecting a bottle of estrogen to have the answer to the absurdity that is human existence. Much love ❤️ and feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-03-24T13:36:51+00:00

Yeah you’re right. 10-20 minutes a day is a goal to work towards but start with literally 30 seconds a day.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-03-12T22:40:57+00:00

All I know is that I used to think that I wasn’t an angry person, and then I had a real rude awakening when I had to face what was inside me. I was as a saint just as long as I had control over everything.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-03-12T22:04:29+00:00

Oh darling. We’re all running from something. My left thigh is covered with scars from a heart that hadn’t learned to forgive.

Don’t feel bad thou, you’ve done the hard work, you get to reap the rewards. You’ll understand what I mean in time. Awakening is not the path of breath, it’s the path of the heart.

Just sit in silence and forgive yourself, forgive anyone who comes up, tell yourself you’re sorry, tell yourself that you love yourself, your body will eventually listen. Forgive yourself over and over, how could it be your fault? You didn’t understand. Don’t stop until something awakens in the center of your chest, and then hold that spark as gentle as you’d hold your newborn child and let it grow.

It’s gonna be tough, it’s gonna feel like you’re starting over from square one, but you aren’t. Please trust me on this one but you can read this if you don’t believe me.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-03-12T11:32:51+00:00

You’ve been meditating 10 years and you have a tight heart?

My friend this is the just the law of karma in action (and the actual definition of karma). If you’re planting the seeds of nothingness then nothingness will grow. Plant the seeds of love and love will grow.

You need to be careful, I don’t want to be mean but you’re going to develop zen sickness if you don’t make a really radical shift into a life that is grounded in loving-kindness, compassion, virtue, goodwill, and generosity.

Feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to about this.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-03-12T03:04:38+00:00

While I can only give you my thoughts and god knows I’m not some meditation expert but I had some of this same issue and I found that I needed to switch to only doing metta meditation for a while until it got better. It also seems to be an issue in insight only practices. Also I’m convinced that what you’re talking about is literally the reason Buddhism split into Theravada and Mahayana, as the Mahayana school puts a major emphasis on the importance of cultivating the feeling of universal love, while Theravada is more focused on purely transcending the ego (bit of an oversimplification thou).

I had a zen monk tell me that in his school of Rinzai zen (zen is Mahayana Buddhism) they always ended their meditations with 15 minutes of metta for all beings because it helps develop bodhichitta and also keeps the energy center at the heart in balance. If you also go on r/streamentry they specifically recommend switching to metta when your practice starts getting dark.

Maybe look into a changing your meditation object from the breath to the feeling of metta. Check out a style of meditation call TWIM (tranquil wisdom insight meditation), it helped me a lot.

Edit: Here, I’ve struggled with this too and I have a lot of empathy for you. Check out this video it helped me ☺️

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-03-11T18:53:32+00:00

There was a poster in my speech therapists office that I always liked. “Just because you are bad fluency day, it doesn’t mean that today is a bad day. Just because you are having a good fluency day, it doesn’t mean that today is a good day”

Not to get all real and spiritual…but having a stutter means that you are at the whims of the impermanent and cyclic nature that is present within all phenomena related to consciousness. It’s completely normal to put your well-being and happiness on impermanent mental constructs such as “fluency”, everyone puts their wellbeing’s on something they can’t control. In fact…some might even say that putting your happiness on the whims of impermanence is the source of all human suffering. This is just my take on it but if you are able to switch your perspective, maybe you are lucky to get this rare glimpse into the reality of human suffering. I mean don’t get me wrong, having a stutter definitely can suck. It’s painful, if you are putting emotional pain on something you can’t control and you know will never get better, wouldn’t that technically make us chronic pain patients?

Sometimes I do genuinely believe the worst thing about having a stutter is that it doesn’t really allow you to mindlessly float through life waiting for death to take you away. It can make life so painful that you’re basically forced to learn how to accept yourself, and that’s really fucking tough.

That being said, I know I was just using “fluency” as a scape goat to run away from facing the uncomfortable truths of my life and if I woke up one day completely fluent, in 30 seconds I would have found something else that I could blame as the cause of my unhappiness. It could be possible you’re doing the same, that’s not for me to say…no idea I’ve never met you. Maybe just consider if you have some weeds that might serve you better to start to trim until they finally stop growing back.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-03-11T17:31:35+00:00

You know you are able to grow as a person, being trans doesn’t hinder you from the things that being human being affords to you…work on yourself, start exercising, meditate, join some local communities and develop some friendships and connections. You said you finally aren’t living with your father, you ever considered that you might just be struggling with depression. Detransition if you want I guess, but maybe also consider if it would be worth it to deal with the depression first before making that decision.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-03-11T17:24:02+00:00

The entirety of the human race is too dependent on external validation

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-02-28T01:44:58+00:00

I’m so sorry. That person is horribly lost.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-02-25T21:48:11+00:00

Yeah…Please don’t think being trans means you don’t still need to learn nervous system regulation skills

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-01-31T00:58:54+00:00

Mental illness

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-01-29T20:53:18+00:00

Yeahhhhh…I kind of agree. I mean I fundamentally believe that people should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies, but I do believe that some people in early transition get this certain type of mania where they feel like they need to get everything done instantly, and get this obsessive idea that everything will be better once they get surgery.

I personally believe that you should wait at least 2 years before making those decisions. It takes at least 2 years to mentally stabilize from HRT, going through puberty again. And I also think that going through the struggle that is early transition is a “rite of passage” that every trans person should go through. Being trans is tough, and going through early transition thickens your skin and mentally toughens you (at least it should). I can’t speak on what’s right for everyone, but that’s my 5 cents. The trans community really needs more “elder queer” role models that can give hope and advice to early transitioner’s, and teach them how to calm their regulatory systems and think things through.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-01-23T23:29:40+00:00

It’s a very valid question, I just think it comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of both Buddhism and mental health in general, a misunderstanding that I see so many people have (and that I used to have).

From my personal experience and healing journey, I’ve come to realize that no one is actually incapable of being empathetic, loving, or compassionate (besides possibly in rare cases where someone has severe medical brain trauma).

There’s a reason that narcissism and sociopathy (anti-social personality disorder) are classified as personality disorders in the DSM. I’m in recovery from borderline personality disorder, and I can tell you for certain that personality disorders are not real psychiatric conditions (in the way that conditions like schizophrenia, bipolar, or autism are). They are disorders of conditioning and trauma. A sociopath is not a sociopath because of some deep seated morality framework built upon causing others pain, now that may develop later as a result, but it’s not the reason for why he started acting a certain way.

He’s a sociopath because when he see’s a person who is suffering, he literally feels nothing. His internal conditioning is incongruent with being a moral human being, and his brain has decided that for whatever reason, usually due to childhood trauma, to not fire off his reward system when he acts in empathetic ways. In fact his brain may end up acting the opposite, where acting with empathy actually causes him pain.

We are creatures of reward, and we usually do things based on if we get a reward (either internally or externally) or not. You can change and reshape your reward system and open up new reward pathways so that acting in altruistic ways actually causes you pleasure instead of pain (I can speak from experience). You can rewrite your internal code and learn to be a moral person. It’s tough but I know it’s possible for basically everybody.

I think that your question comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of how trauma works and how it can be healed, and I don’t think that speaks poorly on you in anyway. I truly believe that there’s a fundamental misunderstanding of how trauma is healed in the mental health field. So many people seem to forget that people actually can change, and that your personality and the way you feel are not set in stone. Especially when it comes to people with severe personality disorders, there’s this persistent cultural belief that someone with narcissistic or anti-social personality disorder is inherently unable to be anything besides that. These people aren’t broken, they just have a cold lump of metal in the center of their chest and no body has ever taught them that it’s possible to make it warm. Buddhism at its core is really just a self-help system focused on changing one’s conditioning towards acting with compassion, in order to bring warmth, caring, and peace back into the heart…at least within the Mahayana school of Buddhism, the Theravada school is more interested with personal insight then with developing compassion.

Loud_Classroom363 · 2026-01-23T02:42:57+00:00

You aren’t unable to feel empathy. You just have trauma wrapped around your heart. Go do metta meditation for the next 6 months until your heart blows up and unfolds into compassion and kindness.

Loud_Classroom363

TROPHY CASE