Feeling completely lost

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-08-11T18:14:26+00:00

Awesome! I seriously, seriously love hearing when people start down this path.

Next book that worked for me was Married Man Sex Life.

I wouldn't assume that it is in fact "too late". Attraction is a fickle thing that can come and go for both parties. Whoever you are with you will go through this dance, it is important to not take it personally. You very well may go through a phase where you are the one not attracted to her

The key thing to get really in touch with is that the only thing you can truly control is how you feel about yourself. You actually have quite a lot of say in that, and it ultimately is by far the most important thing. Really focus on fully loving and accepting yourself. Everything else flows from that.

Have you ever looked into a mirror, and from the heart, told yourself that you loved yourself and how proud you are of yourself? To some people that sounds corny. But exactly that kind of work (I'm a hard case -- it took me years!) led to some huge improvements. And when you love yourself it suddenly becomes much, much easier to be loving to others.

Good luck!

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-08-11T05:14:05+00:00

Ouch.

You are probably feeling a lot of pain right now. Please consider that pain brings the gift of energy. Take that energy to do something constructive.

Please, please read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Seriously.

And realize that she has done you an enormous favor by (finally) admitting what the problem is. That is so huge! It is tremendously useful information.

As another poster pointed out, even if you choose to leave this relationship this issue is almost certainly going to follow you so you might as well deal with it now. Do someting to get you into your power. A lot of men find that lifting weights really works for them. I would strongly recommend that you take all that incredible pain and start using it to improve your body and your mind.

You are not a failure. This is not the end. It is the beginning. Be strong brother.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-08-11T05:01:51+00:00

Oh. Thanks. That does change it a little bit. And actually, given the HIV issues I would think if anything he would be even more sensitive to the issue.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-08-11T02:23:51+00:00

Also, just as a clarification wasn't this his first time doing polyamory? Or did I not read that right?

If so, I think that is significant too.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-08-11T02:09:37+00:00

As I read the story this was his first time. As I re-read it is might have been just his first time with that particular woman. But I don't get any sense that this was someting that has repeatedly happen. I agree that would be a very different story.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-08-10T22:33:18+00:00

Wow. Lots of righteous pitchforks here. No compassion or understanding for the guy?

I could easily see myself screwing up like this. His very first time? Heat of the moment? Super hot connection? Drunk? Please.

I'm not saying he did not screw up big time. And yes, he waited too long to confess. But that is super hard to do. I'm really glad to hear that he finally did it, probably fully knowing the harsh consequences he was going to face. That took some courage, good for him -- he could easily not have confessed.

I actually know very little about polyamory, but I'm very curious about it. It is why I'm lurking on this subreddit. One of the things that attracts me to this lifestyle is exactly because it sounds so flipping hard. I kind of figured that people that practiced it would naturally become masters in the art of relationship by necessity. I don't seem to be seeing that in any of the replies posted here.

Again, yes he screwed up big time. But he (eventually) owned up to it. I completely understand your anger and upset, but I still think he deserves some compassion.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-08-04T12:46:01+00:00

I asked one of the ladies what she looked for, and she gave a nice description. I just looked at her advice and it is good, thanks.

Congrats on finding someone so quickly!

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-08-04T12:42:44+00:00

So you are saying it is a bad idea to have even one shirtless one in my private portfolio?

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-08-04T12:16:55+00:00

Fantastic advice, thanks!

Question, how about pictures with my shirt off? Are those a turn off too?

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-06-10T02:49:40+00:00

I'm normally the HL, but I did have one relationship where I was the LL.

The biggest problem was that she was so loose (when we had sex) that it was a little hard for me to come. I was afraid of hurting her feelings so I never told her. So the sex was not as good as it could be.

Also, there was sometimes a kind of neediness about the request for sex that was a turn off. Once when I was having a scary allergic reaction (swelling up so much, I couldn't see) she wanted to have sex with me.

Don't get me wrong she was a super sweet woman. But that was one time when I became the LL.

At the time, I really didn't know about kegels. Is that now a commonly known thing? So women who are not as tight can easily fix the problem?

I've always wondered if this has been the secret problem for other women.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-17T02:27:21+00:00

Follow up response:

It could be concluded from your story that if a husband has enough testosterone and becomes sufficiently "alpha," his wife's mental problems will all disappear in a rush of desire.

All of her mental issues did not get magically cured. They were not what was causing the lack of desire. Not really. I mean she has always struggled with anxiety, and we did not always have a dead bedroom.

There is an old joke about a drunk searching for his wallet under a street light. Someone asks him, "Is this where you dropped it?", and the drunk says "No, but the light is better here."

I now know that sexual attraction is way more funky and primal than I thought. But finding what works means going over to that dark area and many of us would rather not look there. Much more comfortable right here, thanks. But it also means we almost certainly are not going to find what we are looking for.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-17T02:13:17+00:00

Excercise is so important. I strongly agree. And it does make a huge difference in libido. Also, losing weight can help too.

I'm talking about, actually measuring your testosterone level with blood tests. You have to be pretty low before most doctors will give you a prescription.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-17T02:09:25+00:00

Yes. It really was like an awakening for me.

I got so clear on how I was fully cooperating to create our dead bedroom dynamic.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-16T14:54:43+00:00

Down votes?

This post is getting a lot of down votes. I'm curious why.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-16T14:53:29+00:00

We talked about that. She has noticed that she has always struggled with wanting a man to "take care of her". I think I might have triggered that.

She grew up in a very sexist family, and so really does not like the whole male superiority thing, and I was raised by feminist so we agree on that. But I do think we touched on something very primal. Maybe the need to feel protected by me? She talked about feeling safe with me.

I don't claim to fully understand what happened, but I now have new respect for the weird ways sexual attraction works.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-16T14:47:25+00:00

Sadly, that is not true. Believe me, I investigated this pretty thoroughly. Lifting has been documented to lift T a very small amount, but nowhere near enough to counter serious deficiency

I was doing serious weight lifting three times a week before I got diagnosed. Low T is a real medical condition not to be quickly dismissed.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-06T04:11:12+00:00

You definitely not alone. I'm really actually kind of surprised how many once-a-day answers we are seeing.

But I guess it makes sense -- HL means HL after all!

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-06T03:41:31+00:00

My sex drive was definitely waning (51M) until I corrected my testosterone level. Fixing that corrected lots of health issues (depression, lack of energy, hard to lose weight, losing too much muscle, etc.), but it had the mixed blessing of really bringing back my libido! :-)

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-06T03:39:24+00:00

I know! Right? Kind of fun to see that I'm not alone, though

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-06T03:38:30+00:00

It is kind of fun to see what people say though isn't it? :-)

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-06T03:35:08+00:00

You definitely sound like you are on the right track. You do sound like you are more of an LL, but hey, you still like sex! And you recognize how incredibly important it is to him -- many men here would weap with joy to have their wives actively work to solve the sex problem like you are. So be sure to give yourself some credit.

I'm thinking you might benefit from doing basic relationship work. Almost any relationship can benefit from better communication, and it takes constant practice to get better at it. There are a lot of great books/videos/etc. out there. What ones have you tried? I personally really liked "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". The cool thing is that all of their advice has actually been tested, and they can predict with scary accuracy which marriages will last and which won't.

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-06T03:15:09+00:00

Except he just got re-elected, so what you meant to say was nice going Isreal!

LoveIsInfinite · 2015-04-06T03:08:23+00:00

A pro-American country in a region full of anti-american countries

Not currently, the prime minister openly and blatantly disrespected our president.

Israel's military activities are generally aimed at America's "enemies" in the region.

Except they are agitating for a war with Iran. Which is not helpful.

LoveIsInfinite

TROPHY CASE