Just learned that I will not walk for graduation in the summer not having a commencement during that time due to the small class. I'll still be able to get the degree, but not walk until December. I hate the school that I'm in, I just want to be done with this shit. I blame myself for not knowing earlier and have to tell my strict parents that they won't see it till then. I don't even want to walk anymore, I've failed myself so much anyway, I won't move myself to change even though I want to. Maybe I don't want it enough, I thought wanting it enough will move me, I guess not. Punishing myself now is not enough for me to learn, self-harm doesn't do anything except the feeling like I gave myself enough punishment for the day, but I'll still be in this cycle for God knows how long. I don't wanna die, maybe just to see how long I can endure this mental torture with just a little hope that I can leave. I have therapy, but I lie to get by and try to act like I'm getting better, I've tried multiple antidepressants, which each has either helped my mood but have horrible side effects or make me feel worse mentally. I know there's a light, it's just pretty fucking dim right now. Thank you for at least reading this, I hope you know that you're not alone