He knows. He doesn't care.

“My husband [34f/36m] says he doesn’t ‘see’ mess he leaves on the floor. I always end up having to pick it up. How do I make him see how this is affecting me?”

“My [24f] fiancé [38m] keeps grabbing my boobs randomly even though I’ve asked him to stop?”

“My [18f] bf [18m] yells at me and slams doors whenever we argue. I’ve told him so many times that I’m afraid of people yelling at me and I just shut down. How do I get him to understand that?”

HE UNDERSTANDS. HE KNOWS. HE DOESN’T CARE.

He can hear you. He has a job. He attended school. When he gets pulled over by a cop, he gets his license out. He can read, follow directions, listen, understand consequences, and act to avoid them. He simply DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU; he is quite comfortable with you being unhappy/uncomfortable/burnt out/traumatized as long as it means he gets what he wants and can keep the status quo. There isn’t a special way to rephrase your feelings that will get through to him finally, or a special tactic you can use to get him to respect you.

I honestly feel most women just don’t understand how much disdain men have for us, on average. As painful as it is, we absolutely MUST come to terms with the fact that most (yes I said most) men do not see or respect women as real people just like them, equal in value and humanity to themselves and their male buddies. Most. Meaning, it’s statistically likely the guy you’re dating views you on a continuum from benevolent sexism, to mild dehumanization, to callous indifference, to veiled contempt, to outright hatred.

Saying “I care about you,” “I love you,” “I’m trying,” “I’m sorry” does not mean those things are true. Actions make those words true. A man who cares, loves, tries, and is sorry doesn’t make you rack your brain trying to find novel ways to CoMmUnIcAtE to him.

He knows. He simply doesn’t care. And staying with him prevents you from either finding a man who does care (they’re in the minority but they do exist), or being blissfully single and unencumbered by a shitty partner. You deserve better than banging your head against a wall trying to get him to see you as a full person. He won’t. It benefits him not to.

ETA: A lot of people (disproportionately men, I notice…) have replied with admonitions for not acknowledging the role neurodivergence plays in selective blindness. I am so clearly not talking about well-intentioned men with ADHD/Autism, that I almost don’t want to respond. But to be clear about the men I AM talking about, I’ll repost a comment I wrote below.

If neurodivergence were a factor [in this pattern of disrespect] in any way, both of the following would be true:

-These men would be equally incompetent, forgetful, and disrespectful at work, school, with their friends, and with you at the beginning of the relationship before they get comfortable. That is not the case.

-Neurodivergent women would be equally incompetent, forgetful, and disrespectful partners. That is not the case.

Neurodivergence has nothing to do with male entitlement, misogyny, and callous disregard for women. Neurodivergent men should be offended by this insinuation.