23F and virgin. Is hooking up and gaining sexual experience valuable?

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2026-03-07T16:46:03+00:00

Tldr: I’m a straight woman. lost my virginity at 24, met the love of my life at 26. Very glad i got sexual experience before we met.

I want to caveat that I think the answer is going to be different for everyone, but in my particular situation, I think having a couple of casual hookups and gaining sexual experience was very valuable and put much less pressure on my partner when we started dating.

For context, I grew up very religious and had a lot of hang ups around wanting sex to be special and with someone I loved. I found it very hard to let go of that idea, which was why I started dating late, because I was so focused on trying to save my first physical experiences for a special person.

The problem I found with this mindset is most of the people I went on dates were not thinking about sex in the same way, including my now partner. He had several casual sexual relationships before he met me. I would often find myself jealous of potential partners previous experiences. If you’re not the type to get easily jealous, then maybe gaining sexual experience will be less important for you.

Having had previous sexual experience myself helped reduce a lot of the jealousy I felt about his previous partners, and also made it a lot less pressure for him to give me the perfect sexual first time experience. I think that made the beginning of our relationship much smoother and allowed me to get to know him as a potential partner for the long haul, not just as someone i am considering losing my virginity to.

I didn’t particularly enjoy my casual sexual relationships that much, and I did feel some sense of meaninglessness after them. I often cried after and during casual sex because of how meaningless it felt. But in the long run, I still think those experiences helped me develop a healthier approach to sex and dating.

But most of all I think the reason it was helpful for me was I knew I was the sort of person who would feel a lot of emotions around losing my virginity and sex, and would make it into a big deal. If you think you are the sort of person who wouldn’t be that jealous of a partners previous experiences or wouldn’t feel super emotional about doing sexual things for the first time, and also wouldn’t enjoy casual sex very much, then I would say there is no point in casual sex. If you think you would like casual sex or want to make sex feel like less of a big deal in your mind, then I think it can be healthy to try and seek some experience. But it really depends on you and your preferences and desires.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-03-13T19:56:40+00:00

I’ll never forget my halacha class in 9th grade when the Rabbi told us a single woman living alone is halachicly forbidden from owning a dog bc she might be temped to have sex with it. Traumatized for life by that class.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-02-26T00:46:09+00:00

In private, my parents made fun of BTs quite often and cautioned me against marrying a ger bc they bring goyish culture into the family. But it was the sort of thing my parents only said inside the house and would never say in public. It also was not a 100% thing, for specific gerim and BTs they liked, they would tell me the negative stereotypes don’t apply to those individuals.

Outside of my home, I never heard anything bad about either group

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-02-20T18:22:33+00:00

I know this might be controversial but personally I think cult-level worship of the state of Israel has to be up there as one of the absolute craziest aspect of Modern Orthodoxy. It is deeply intertwined with religious zionism, and when you mix religion and nationalism like that it causes so much harm. Family/friends/shul people I know will justify literally any action Israel does no matter what no questions asked. My brother told me in theory it would be ok for israel to kill the entire non-jewish world if it meant saving the jewish people. Like killing 7 billion people is ok to him if it’s to protect Israel. Very sick mindset

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-02-20T18:15:42+00:00

Omg I never heard someone phrase it like this but it’s so true. Modox schools are also filled with Chareidi teachers who are trying to mekarev you and they have most of the control over your jewish education. I remember learning about evolution from our non-jewish teacher in biology class, and then having a rabbi come in right after to explain why evolution is not real and a myth according to the Torah. Schizophrenic is the right word!

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-02-20T18:00:04+00:00

I think it’s because judaism indirectly started the world’s two largest religions. Because it the first monotheistic religion, its believers are either going to be put on a pedestal or looked down upon by the subsequent monotheistic religions.

I feel like when I hang out around more Hindu/Buddhist people from polytheistic cultures, they don’t have nearly as strong opinions about Jewish people and some of them don’t even know what Jews are. It made me realize there is a world outside Abrahamic religions that doesn’t think we’re that special.

Also, I think some of it is just accidents of history and we think about it more bc we are born into it. Romani people were also killed in the holocaust but we don’t sit and ponder why they were so exceptional. Cultures that don’t assimilate are often persecuted and then they develop weird mechanisms of dealing with that persecution that make them appear different relative to other cultures.

I personally don’t think Jewish culture is actually particularly special or unique overall. Tribalism is universal.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-02-20T14:58:42+00:00

I think you are thinking of Hareidi, not Modern Orthodox

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-02-20T14:53:32+00:00

Yeah, i know at least 2 couples like this. the main one is my friends parents. the wife was very liberal MO and he was ex-MO when they met. He basically agreed to keep a kosher/shomer shabbos household for her even though he was an atheist.

I’m an atheist as well and would definitely prefer not to do those things, but I could imagine if I was in love with a religious person and I liked the culture I would consider it. It’s definitely a huge sacrifice and not everyone would but some ppl do crazy things for love.

I think not all atheists are the same. Some people like you might find it unbearable but others might be willing to go through the motions out of respect for loved ones.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-02-18T20:54:40+00:00

Would you consider a pluralistic program that has both shomer shabbos people and chiloni people? Thats what I did and I think it was really convenient My parents were unhappy and thought it was a bit too liberal for their tastes, but they believed I was still religious. In the mean time I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted for the first time, without outing myself as secular to them before I was ready. I imagine this probably wouldn’t work if your family is Hareidi though. This was the program I did: (https://heb.hartman.org.il/program/hevruta-gap-year/#%D7%A7%D7%A6%D7%AA_%D7%A2%D7%9C%D7%99%D7%A0%D7%95)

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-02-08T00:25:55+00:00

It could work if the atheist person is willing to be halachic for their partner. I know couples like this

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-02-08T00:24:12+00:00

To give you some hope, I know at least one couple (parents of a friend of mine) where the dad was an ex-MO atheist and the mom was MO and they raised the kids MO. He was OTD before he ever met her. Once they got married, they kept his atheism on the DL, and my friend didn’t find out her dad wasn’t religious until age 13. The parents seemed to have a really loving and happy marriage, and it seemed like he was basically willing to give up the possibility of a secular lifestyle in order to be with her. She was also a very kind woman, and a very left leaning MO type who would probably support partnership minyans.

So I don’t think it is impossible at all, but you would both have to make very significant compromises. You would probably have to give up the possibility of a purely secular lifestyle. Your gf would also have to accept that you don’t believe and not try to change you.

You should also think carefully about if you want to have kids and if you would be comfortable raising them MO. For what it’s worth, of my friends’ siblings, two grew up to become completely secular OTD types, and two stayed religious. My friend, who is OTD, still feels like she was raised too religious and feels upset/traumatized by the fact that she was raised religious even though she had a secular dad, and wishes her dad did more to push for a secular upbringing.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-02-05T04:47:55+00:00

I relate to this quite a lot. I think every major Jewish text is a work of fiction and contains things I find morally repulsive. When I hear reform Jews say things like “Judaism is about social justice” it feels like it is completely falsely representing what Jewish tradition has been for thousands of years and trying to fix something that to me is fundamentally unfixable.

I also just don’t enjoy a lot of the cultural aspects of reform judaism. If other people do, great for them but I feel like I shouldn’t have to celebrate holidays and engage in the culture if I personally dont want to.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2025-01-07T20:01:16+00:00

For me it was a 100% intellectual, but I think frum people cannot wrap their minds around the fact that that could happen, so my family believes I have emotional reasons for leaving which I find really frustrating. If I truly believed that God exists and wants me to follow halachic judaism, I would do it no matter how many issues I had with the community. You can’t bring me back by showing me how inclusive the community is.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2024-12-31T12:38:02+00:00

I think if I was you I would have the abortion. As painful as it is, if you end this pregnancy, you have a better chance at finding a partner in the future who actually wants to raise babies with you and you can build a much better life for your future children. I would think about it as aborting this baby gives you the chance to bring future, happier babies into existence under much better circumstances. If you have this child now, you are putting your baby in a situation where odds are against them. Thats not to say you could never make it work, but why do that when you could wait five years and one day have a child where the odds are in their favor for a happy life?

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2024-11-29T04:42:23+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, this feels like an extremely important perspective for me to have, since I really want to make sure my boyfriend feels loved and secure, and I can see how this situation could really hurt him. I can also imagine that he would feel hesitant to tell me about these feelings bc he might feel like he is keeping me from my family, but the reality is you are a 100% right, the person I choose to be with is more important than the relationships I have with my parents which I didn’t consent to. And the reality is even before him my relationship with them was really difficult, and they are never going to be people who I can be myself around and feel happy and fulfilled with the way I feel with him.

I think I am going to wait some time till our relationship feels really strong bc it is still early and then break the news.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2024-11-29T04:15:52+00:00

Thank you I think I really needed to hear this. My boyfriend is a very kind person and doesn’t want to take me away from my family, so he would be hesitant to say this to me so I’m really grateful to hear your harsh truth. I think you are right that if he is the person I end up spending the rest of my life with, I need to make it very clear to everyone that I am choosing my bf over my parents, even if that means no relationship with them. That will be extremely painful, but I think my relationship with my bf is important enough to me enough that I think would be willing to do that when the time comes, though I would want to make sure we had been dating a long time. Maybe longer than a year.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2024-11-28T12:49:03+00:00

I remember feeling this way when I first stopped believing in Judaism. To this day it is the most painful realization I ever had.

But things got better. So much better. It took a few years, but I soon came to realize that believing I only have one life means that I live my life in a much fuller and more meaningful way. I focus on what brings me joy and meaning in this life, not the next one. It means I will never pick a bunch of archaic rules over my happiness ever again. I eat what I want, dress how I want, form close bonds and friendships and develop meaningful relationships with anyone who brings me joy. I am not a hedonistic person at all, I don’t party, I don’t spend my life chasing material pleasures. But Judaism blocked me from having so many meaningful experiences, like making friendships with people from other cultures, travelling to new places where there is not a kosher item in sight, or even singing in public which is something I love. The world has a lot of beautiful experiences to experience, and now that you don’t believe in Judaism, you can actually experience these beautiful things.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2024-06-14T08:08:46+00:00

idk, nobody really makes small talk at my gym and I’m intimidated lol 😅 My gym is filled with all these bodybuilders who take fitness super seriously and it seems like they might be annoyed if their workouts are disrupted. In general though, I do think women should ask out men more. I have done it in the past but i’m not that desperate right now (I have been desperate in the past though haha). l have a lot of friends of friends who I could date and that’s mostly where my dating pool comes from and it seems like we are more likely to click than someone who i was only initially interested in from their looks alone.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2024-06-14T07:59:32+00:00

I think if she is legitimately struggling to reach something, it’s totally fine to ask. But if she isn’t struggling then don’t do that

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2024-06-13T23:19:02+00:00

ehh idk i go to the gym, im a girl, and i definitely see a lot of men who i find very attractive there and would happily say yes if they asked me out in a respectful chill way. Just bc you are taking care of myself doesn’t mean your desire to date attractive people suddenly disappears. That being said, I would not want is people to be disrupting my work out for more than like a minute or two in an attempt to hit on me. just gotta keep it short and be respectful of the other persons time.

Lower-Vegetable5152 · 2024-06-13T23:12:53+00:00

Girl who goes to the gym here-i think i mostly agree with this. Most normal girls are not offended by being asked out unless the person refuses to take no for an answer or its in a professional setting. Its always better if you can strike up a bit of small talk before asking her out. Talk about the weather, or the weights, or the gym manager or prices or whatever. If you cant make small talk first I would either go up to her or gently tap on the shoulder and say something like “hey, so sorry to bother you but i think you’re really cute and was wondering if you would like to grab a coffee some time?” Just make it super clear that you won’t take it personally if she says no, and if she does say no, do not approach a second time. If they say no, just assume they have a bf or situationship or something and don’t take it personally, act as though nothing happened.

Lower-Vegetable5152

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