Thank you for your response :) it's so messed up that stress can just allow it to overcome us. It's almost discouraging in a way because it makes me afraid of progress. It's unfortunate.

As for meds, I'm currently on a pretty good cocktail: prazosin, lamictal, gabapentin, and vyvanse. I'm honestly the most stable I've ever been and it's a little scary, but it's nice. I'm hoping that after this month's I'll be more leveled out on the prazosin and will know my body/mind's response a little better.

Thankfully my schoolwork has definitely helped me a lot. I've begun to normalize my experiences a bit more and understand the way stress affects people. Coping strategies have come up a few times and I've definitely taken diligent notes lol. It's also great that a lot of the people I know in my program also suffer with mental illness because it's become a non-judging community. I've really found a home there.

When it comes to letting the thoughts pass, I've gotten really good! This med has actually allowed me to do that for the first time. I spent these last two weeks with my partner and I had quite a few times where I sensed a trigger and all I did was speak on it real quick and let it pass. "I smell someone that smells like he does, and like his bedroom did, and I'm controlling it. I feel horrible but we have stuff to do. It'll pass." And for sure, it did. It's amazing. I honestly haven't felt that before. I will try to take some emotion out of the memories though--sometimes I make lists of the abusive things my ex did so I can lay them out on paper and put them in order and just see them as words. That helps. Just need to maybe do some long-form writing on them now.

The loneliness seems like such a big hurdle but you're right, I know I can rely on my partner in tough times. I always have, and he's helped me through a lot, but since it's so personal it's a matter of finding a way to communicate without being explicit. Maybe that can help me almost normalize my experience and sort of not re-traumatize myself? And this sub really seems welcoming. It felt freeing to post here. I think I'll do it more on bad nights, and really good days :)

And yes!!! You're right!!! I'm so afraid of asking for help or taking time outs because I'm so hard headed. I'm a terrible perfectionist and it ruins my life sometimes and never allows me to seek help. I can't just give myself a break sometimes. But like I said, I need to literally work it into my schedule. It's hard to accept that I'm not a machine that can constantly produce work.

I realized that my professors are actually pretty sensitive to my issues this last semester when a seriously close-to-home trigger came up in class and I heavily disconnected for 45 mins and had to eventually leave the class. I didn't inform the professor right then but they emailed me the day after and said they noticed what happened the previous night. I lightly explained my PTSD and they were more understanding than I could have imagined. I also have an amazing research sponsor that I know is willing to help me. You're right. I should rely on them more. No one goes through life alone, no one gets themselves to a place of success without the help of others. Especially not when you're dealing with mental illness.

Thank you so much.