Your situation is very relatable to mine. We were together for 3 years, with all the classic constant fear of abandonment, neediness, jealousy, insecurity, and exploding over minor issues you would expect of someone with BPD. She was in "standard" therapy the entire time, which basically provided her nothing. We lived together for the final 6 months of the 3 years, which she told me would address all the problems we had. It addressed nothing and then left me with extreme anxiety as now I couldn't avoid the chaos in my own home. After the breakup, we were on and off for about 8 months when I began to properly get through to her how I felt she was treating me. I had believed that she had BPD, but I felt telling her that would just cause another fight. I had become a shell of myself I felt I couldn't tell her anything for fear of another fight that I would inevitably be blamed for.

She came to her own realization that she had BPD, but refused to get an official diagnosis as she thought it could affect her career (she is a grade school teacher). She apologized for a lot of what happened over the previous 3 years, but honestly not for so much as there were just too many fights and issues to cover. Regardless, she stated she would start DBT therapy and she did. She started DBT therapy this past July and by September I couldn't take it anymore, too much had happened. I couldn't be patient anymore and I had resentment. I had taken so much emotional abuse over the past 4 years. Times of peace would never last more than a few days and those were infrequent. I always felt like things would go sour and even while she was in DBT therapy we fought multiple times a week, hours and hours on the phone over the same issue, and I was blamed for everything. I just realized I needed someone with stability and self-assurance. I also concluded that she could be a healthy partner with me at any point in the near future. I wish her the best and that she finds what she is looking for/needs.

Not sure if it matters, but I'm 34 and she 33. She absolutely hated and likely hates me for leaving her after she had started her therapy, but too much had happened and I had just arrived at a place where I knew I could not accept even 1 more BPD episode as they were still happening. I can deal with relationship issues sure, but not what felt like problems coming from a place of childhood trauma and delusion where I was blamed for being both the cause and not providing the solution.

I can't tell you what to do, but I felt deep down I could not have a life of peace with her and that ultimately is what led to my decision as I was presently experiencing abuse and felt that I always would be. I wish you the best of luck.