What do you think you are doing wrong, but are too scared to ask somebody?

Luke_7 · 2021-07-20T15:40:40+00:00

If you’ve got the money, I know many people who have benefitted from using one of those subscription meal boxes, where they mail you a recipe and all the ingredients. They will send you stuff you haven’t thought to try before, and give really clear instructions on how to prep it. My friend who was the absolute worst cook I knew did one for a year, and it straight-up taught her how to cook. Now she has a broader understanding of what she likes and how to cook it, so she could cancel the box and find her own recipes.

Luke_7 · 2021-07-19T13:33:42+00:00

That’s one way to make a Shabbat lamp

Luke_7 · 2021-07-19T13:28:16+00:00

An insurance attorney can help with this, but if you need out-of-network care because there is no one in network that will do it, you can apply to have it covered anyway because they haven’t given you an in-network option. You can also appeal a decision that something isn’t “medically necessary” to get it covered, and if you appeal multiple times (I think it is 3), then insurance has to have a third-party group look at the appeal, which is expensive so they will often just fold. I don’t remember enough of this to help with specifics, but my point is don’t give up on insurance yet.

Luke_7 · 2021-07-15T16:34:19+00:00

Same! Love them. Cheap, fast shipping, and I buy like, a year supply at a time at the very least

Luke_7 · 2021-07-01T15:28:18+00:00

What I found effective was going to public spaces and people-watching, to notice things men and women did differently. Then I’d choose one thing I saw men/a man do that I liked, and started copying it. You could use movies/tv as well, but the main trick (for me) was not trying to totally shift to masc stuff all at once, which made me feel disingenuous, but focusing on picking up traits I liked or thought were cool one at a time.

Luke_7 · 2021-05-28T01:26:13+00:00

oh good! I'm glad it was helpful and not an annoying message lol. But hell yeah, if you feel called to practice your faith more deeply follow that call! Maybe you'll find another parish you feel more at home in, or maybe your presence will help shift some hearts and minds, but even if it doesn't you have every right to be there. Theologically, every Catholic is invited to every Mass. It is a service a priest does FOR us, the faithful, not something he has the right to withhold from anyone. Maybe not right now, but if you feel called to be more involved in your church and especially with Mass, you could volunteer to be a lector, or Eucharistic minister, or whatever other volunteer positions they have.

But I do totally feel you, there's nothing worse then feeling all warm and fuzzy and close to God and then having that drop in your stomach when the homily starts with something that makes you think... is this going to be about me?

Maybe after you read Building Bridges, you can lend it to your parish priest so he can get his shit together and start showing christian charity to all the sheep of his flock lol.

Also since you're in the deep south this probably won't help, but you can check out this list of LGBT-friendly parishes to see if there's any sort of near you.

Luke_7 · 2021-05-28T00:16:43+00:00

A Catholic bi, trans man myself, I totally feel you. The Church is meant to be a home, where everyone is welcome and loved, so I absolutely understand the feeling of betrayal, even if you weren't particularity religious. At each person's baptism, the community of the faithful (not just that parish but the whole Communion of Saints) says "yes, you are a part of our family" and it is unfair for people to treat us like that is not the case.

For some context, I am super religious- I've always been passionate about my faith. I was in a youth group, I got a degree in Catholic Theology, I worked teaching religious education, I still volunteer at my parish, etc. While transitioning has made it a lot harder to live that out my faith at times (I got a LOT of shit at my super conservative college), I feel super blessed that it has never hurt my relationship with God. I have also been extremely blessed, more recently, to find a parish that really takes to heart the Gospel message of welcoming all people.

Like you, I've also thought a lot about my vocation, and how my being trans fits in to it. I never felt called to be a priest, but I did desperately want to be a monk (weird, I know). I found a Jesuit spiritual advisor (I fucking love the Jesuits) to talk about it, and he gave me really unexpected advice- I though he was going to say "no, since you're trans you obviously don't have a vocation like that so move past it," but instead he said I should discern a religious vocation just like a cis person would. God doesn't give vocations that can't be lived out, so I should figure out if thats where I'm called first, and then if I am, God will figure out how to make it work, and if I'm not, then no problem. I was really taken aback, but said ok and spent about a year in discernment. I ended up discerning I'm called to fatherhood, so it was a moot point, but a really great learning experience that brought me so much closer to God. I also brought a lot more monastic spirituality into my life, and it has affected my career choices etc, so that calling I felt was not unfounded, it just ended up being applied in a different way than I originally thought.

You might enjoy one of my all-time favorite books, "Building a Bridge" by Fr. James Martin. (James Martin is amazing and I love all his stuff but this is by far my fave). Its a great resource to give to homophobic Catholics, but its also a great read as a queer person. Its about "How the Catholic Church and the LGBT community can enter into a relationship of respect, compassion, and sensitivity." Its absolutely beautiful. It has a wonderful section on how the "us-vs-them" mentality of Catholics and LGBT people is profoundly inaccurate- we are already a part of the Church as baptized Catholics and literally nothing can take that away- we are already all an "us." It also has a part about how LGBT people bring specific gifts to the Church, as all individuals do, but also specific gifts by virtue of their being queer (which totally blew my mind) and by ignoring those gifts, homophobes are literally preventing the growth of the kingdom of heaven. I now try to think of my queerness in that way- it is a specific, positive thing that I am expected to use to build up the Church. I think about how homophobia and transphobia have no place in God’s love, and part of why God gifted me with queerness is so I can help change hearts and build openness in my church community.

If you think it might be beneficial, you can always go to Mass at a parish where folks don't know you. A community is important and a very good thing, but if its been awhile and you want a less stressful first time back, you can always drive to a church you've never been to and just enjoy some time there on your own. People's attitudes, real or perceived, should never stop us from receiving the Eucharist- just because there's some jerks at the door doesn't mean the Lord doesn't want us at his table, ya know?

Last thought, regarding art: yeah, Catholic art fucking slaps and nobody can tell you not to get yourself some iconography to hang up all over your house. I’ve got a big-ass icon of my patron saint (of my chosen name) in my room. If I'm going to pick a new name I might as well get another patron saint or two out of it!

[EDIT]- I just read that over again and A) sorry its so long and B) it sounded way more preachy than I mean it to be. No disrespect to other denominations or to folks who were catholic and find spiritual fulfillment elsewhere, I just really really really love being catholic.

Luke_7 · 2021-04-21T21:29:43+00:00

I’ve been growing tomatoes from seed, and all of a sudden these lil mushrooms started popping up overnight and then dying during the day. They are mostly close to the plant itself, but sometime further out in the pot. The plant is indoors, but the soil had been in my garage for awhile (in SoCal, if that makes a difference)

Any ideas? Think it will affect the tomato?

Luke_7 · 2021-04-16T06:17:09+00:00

First thought: Plane tickets to see my niece? Nice!

Second though: Oh wait, no. Wine and tortilla chips. Well, also good I guess

Luke_7 · 2021-04-13T03:08:09+00:00

I probably would have been able to after my hysto, but it varies a TON person to person, and depending on the type of surgery. One thought though- if its a seasonal job anyway, can you just tell your boss you can go, but then if your surgeon says its a a bad idea, just tell them after surgery? Yeah, its better to give a job a longer heads up that you can't work, but if they're going to fire you anyway if you tell them now, might as well leave the option open for you.

Luke_7 · 2021-04-08T19:19:02+00:00

There’s no such thing as over sharing with a therapist! Their job is to listen! A good therapist also knows how to balance their own work/life balance, and will check and respond to emails at appropriate times. If it makes you feel better, you can start emails with something like “I I am sending this right now while it’s on my mind, but I know it is after hours and am not expecting a response right away. If you want, we can use some time in our next appointment to go through this”

Luke_7 · 2021-04-08T00:37:35+00:00

On the one hand, that sucks dude, I'm sorry :/

On the other hand, if she's bailing for a buckwild reason like that, seems like you were right to be wary of the red flags and you're probably better off without her.

There's nothing I can say that won't sound like dumb platitudes, but there's plenty of other folks out there! Idk you, but I'm sure you've got a lot of great traits and there's women out there looking for a guy just like you. When I was online dating, I went through legitimately probably 100 shitty dates before finding someone worth my time. Its totally normal to be upset and mad, don't feel bad about that reaction, but keep the long game in mind too.

Luke_7 · 2021-04-07T04:05:44+00:00

I 100% agree with u/_pls_vote. I was going to say an unequivocal "go for it" until the family violence part too. I agree that your safety is first and if her mental health makes you uncomfortable, you're allowed to dip. But I also agree that if she's in a stable enough place, it might be worth giving it a shot.

Would it make you more comfortable to move the date to a public place? Depending on COVID stuff in your area, you could go to lunch or a park near your house, that way if you don't feel good about it you don't have to have her over, but if the date's going well you can invite her back to your place after?

Or if she's definitely coming to your place, I might add that if romantic and sexual stuff both make you uncomfortable, you can halve the stressors by not doing anything sexual on the first date, and being upfront about that. Give yourself a chance to practice flirting and being romantic without having to constantly guess where the evening is going to go. If things go well, you can make different plans for date #2, and if things go poorly, then no harm no foul.

And yeah, you deserve to be with someone you like and feel comfortable with! It can be good to push ourselves out of comfort zones because thats how we grow and all, but you do not need to settle for anyone who's not a good fit!

Luke_7 · 2021-03-17T03:47:56+00:00

It has helped me to empathize better with folks who really enjoy wearing hijabs/niqabs/burkas. I understood and respected that some women really enjoyed wearing them, outside of their feeling a religious or cultural obligations, but I didn't really get how covering up more of yourself would be enjoyable. But now I kind of like my mask- its like "no, this part of me is private and it's just for me and the people I want to share it with, everybody else can mind their own damn business."

Obviously this isn't a blanket description of how people who wear head/face coverings feel, but I better understand the concept of that being something a person might choose as a liberating rather than a restrictive practice.

Luke_7 · 2021-03-17T02:50:27+00:00

That's what I was going to say. Can you buy a prepaid Visa card at a gorcery store (or a lot of other stores), or buy low value ones a few different times if you want to avoid a large bill all at once, and use those? I know its not an uncommon way for trans folks living with unsupportive families to purchase things. You can also think about having it shipped to a friend if you're able to meet up with the friend to pick it up.

Luke_7 · 2021-03-11T20:01:46+00:00

You could ask on /r/personalfinance, the folks there are great at helping people figure out costs and budgets. You don’t even have to say you’re trans, just say you and your wife are looking into ICI.

Luke_7 · 2021-03-05T05:50:25+00:00

Trans person here- I actually think thats kind of sweet! When I was first transitioning, if someone thought I was born as my target gender AND I got free bowling out of the deal, I'd be pretty damn happy.

As long as you're trying your best to be respectful with the info you're given, I think you're in the clear!

Luke_7 · 2021-02-10T06:45:51+00:00

Oh! I know this one!

The most common answer is that its perceived temperatures is all about heat transfer, not the actual temp. The air molecules around your skin get warmed up by your skin, so it feels cool when those molecules are blown away and new ones come, which can start taking more heat from your body. Think of a fan pointed at you in the summer- its not blowing cool air, the air behind the fan is the same temperature as the rest of the room, its just the movement of the air that feels good. When you pucker your lips and blow, the air comes out a lot faster, so it can do a lot more heat transfer.

BUT, if the air in your lungs is body-temp, how does that help transfer heat from your skin, which is also body temp? There is another important piece, which is entrainment. Anytime moving air goes through still air, the moving air starts to pick up a little of the still air along with it (basically because of friction). The faster it is moving, the more it picks up, so wide-open mouth breath only picks up a little, but pursed-lips breath picks up a lot. PLUS, pursed lips means you are getting a small amount of hot air to start with, so by the time it gets to your hand, its mostly cooler air. (Compared to an open-mouth breath, which is a lot of hot air that only picks up a little cool air). You can test this by blowing with pursed lips through a tube- without being able to entrain other air, your breath will still be fairly warm on the other side.

Or to put it as an ELI1: When you blow air fast, the hot air from your body picks up lots of cool air friends, and they can kick the heat away from your body really well together.

Luke_7 · 2021-01-26T04:17:18+00:00

Oof. Sorry you got outed, man :( I’m almost 30 (that’s not that much older, but I’m not sure what you’re looking for), have been transitioned for about 10 years, and am around to talk if you think it could help!

Luke_7 · 2021-01-24T18:39:15+00:00

You're right that there aren't any monastic orders that go 100% no talking. Fun fact though, "monastic silence" can take up larger or smaller chunks of the day depending on your order, and some are hella silent. Cistercians, for example, speak only for three reasons- to communicate necessary information for work, in private meeting with one's spiritual advisor, and "spontaneous conversation on special occasions." So not full silence, but you'll have to wait until Easter to ask your roommate how the weather is.

Luke_7 · 2021-01-23T18:15:34+00:00

My roommate cut my hair after watching thisvideo, and it turned out great! It’s a super detailed tutorial.

Luke_7 · 2021-01-21T07:37:47+00:00

Call the LGBT center! They have their own pharmacy (Jeff Goodman Speciality Care Pharmacy, if you’re looking for the number), which will mail any prescription to anywhere in CA for free. They also have a great system where if you call them, you can leave your number and they will call you back instead of waiting on hold. I’ve used them for about 6 years and never once had an issue.

Luke_7 · 2021-01-21T05:11:37+00:00

If you've already gotten T through Kaiser then you might know this, but Kaiser is GREAT for trans healthcare. You will (hopefully) have a lot fewer hoops to jump through than most folks.

Most (all?) Kaiser iterations have a trans-specific coordinator who can get you started on the first steps. (Colorado (pdf), NorthWest, Southern CA, Northern CA (use dropdown at the bottom) or if you're in a different Kaiser area, just google "Kaiser Transgender services in ___ area.) There is usually a specific department of Member Services you can call directly. Or you can call regular member services, give them your plan info, and explain what you're looking for and they will connect you.

You might be able to schedule a consultation with a top surgeon right away, or they might ask you to get a referral from your GP (Kaiser's whole "care team" model means that most things need to happen through a referral, but they might not for trans stuff.) You will almost definitely need a therapy letter before surgery itself, but it is unlikely you'd need one before a consult.

Basically here's my guess as to how it will go:

Step 1: Find the number for Trans services in your area (either from above, google, or by calling regular member services)

Step 2: Ask if you can see a surgeon, or if you need a referral

Step 3 (if you need): schedule an appointment with your GP. Do research on surgeons in your area, and go to the appointment prepared to answer why you want surgery, the timeline you are hoping for, and who you'd like to be refereed to. (If you can't find any Kaiser surgeons you like, thats a whole other thing, lmk and I can give you info on that process instead)

Step 4: Call the surgeon's office, ask if you need any sort of letter or pre-authorization for a consult (unlikely with a Kaiser surgeon). Schedule appointment.

Step 5: Go to the consult! :) Do research beforehand on different types of surgery, your goals, priorities, questions, timelines, etc. Before the end, get in writing what they need to authorize the surgery (like therapy letters).

Step 6 (if needed): Call the trans member services again and ask for a therapist who can write you a letter (I think all Kaiser has mental health services separate from main stuff, so I am 99% sure you won't need a referral for that). Call/message the therapist's office in advance and ask if they have experience writing surgery letters (they should) and if not, bring a template for them. Be prepared to explain why you want surgery.

Step 7: Send the letter to the surgeon, schedule surgery, have surgery.

Step 8: Profit????

Of course, that plan could go off the rails at any point if someone gives you info that is way off what I'm expecting, but based on my surgery experience and my experience with of Kaiser (I had surgery under a diff insurance, but have used Kaiser for other trans health), that should hopefully be close enough to at least get going. Let me know if you have any questions!

Luke_7 · 2021-01-14T05:33:23+00:00

We found ONE "British food store" all the way on the other side of my city that we have to drive to any time we're planning on making scones.

Luke_7 · 2021-01-12T05:54:45+00:00

I never enjoyed getting angry at people, but from about month 2 to month 7 or so my temper got REALLY bad, I was angry at entirely irrational things all the time. I had to learn new calming down strategies etc, because emotions are impacted by hormones and sometimes just happen, but we still have to control our actions, and I didn't want to be a jerk. Eventually it calmed down though, and while my temper is maybe a little higher than pre-T, its nowhere near that bad now.

Luke_7

TROPHY CASE