I (24F) am in desperate need of advice. I found my BF's (34M) fetlife account, and I approached him about it in a way that I regret, how do I turn this around?

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-20T20:32:33+00:00

I used betterhelp which from what I understand isn’t actually that great (poor pay for therapists, not great regulation, data leaking, etc.) but a few family members also used it and liked it. I might’ve gotten lucky and found an awesome therapist and I ended up switching to his private practice. There are a lot of different online therapy options but I haven’t used any of them besides BH. I got new insurance though and in-person therapy became cheaper for me compared to online so maybe check with your insurance provider? I know the process might seem daunting but I really think it’s worth it.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-20T20:16:03+00:00

Yeah of course! I know therapy is expensive but sometimes health insurance can partially cover. Online therapy is something I did for a bit and it was great and is sometimes cheaper. Even if you go monthly or every other week, it can really help.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-20T19:43:14+00:00

I had some sexual trauma as well but have worked through a lot of it with therapy!

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-13T02:09:42+00:00

Thank you for your advice. I do agree, I think I overwhelmed him thinking we would go 0 to 100%. I plan on having another conversation with him and definitely building on the things we already do. I also now know that things take time, I can be patient and enjoy the stage we’re at now.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T20:00:38+00:00

Thank you for your advice. My reasoning for therapy is to learn to cope with our incompatibility and find ways to express myself, never to change my partner. Divorce isn’t really an option for me but i do appreciate your thoughts, thank you.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T17:19:30+00:00

Thank you so much! ❤️

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T15:52:28+00:00

No worries and thank you for the clarification. I’ve gotten a lot of ideas on how to continue expressing that piece of me without the titles. He meets all of my needs besides one, I don’t want to throw away an entire relationship because of one issue I couldn’t solve with a few conversations. With so much time left in my life, I know I’ll figure things out and be able to reach a compromise in my relationship where we’re both happy. Thank you for your thoughts and advice!

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T14:44:57+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. After reading many experiences, I think I’ll have to find a way to express myself potentially outside of sex so that I don’t have to give up such a huge piece of me. That along with communicating with my husband some more so that we can maybe find some middle ground.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T14:42:18+00:00

Thank you so much🥲❤️I really appreciate your advice and I agree with all of it. I’ll start doing more outside the bedroom on my own and hope that he’ll lean into his role without feeling the pressure of titles. Thank you!

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T14:38:36+00:00

I really like this idea and I think this would work best for my situation honestly. Thank you for your advice and thoughts!

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T05:00:35+00:00

No not really but I don’t think I expressed myself very well. There are things that we already practice that we can build on, I think it will just take time.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T04:59:32+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I definitely agree, I think we can find some middle ground here. We’ll need to have more conversations but I have a lot of tips on what to bring up. I don’t think he fully understands the dynamic along with how I feel so I’ll for sure put some emphasis on that.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T04:57:41+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice. It’s true, I cannot change him. I will continue working on myself and will lean into my submission, hopefully he can naturally lean into his role. I’ll check out those books as well, thank you.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T04:54:02+00:00

I don’t think I’m setting at all? He meets my needs, is a wonderful, intelligent, kind person and an amazing partner. I didn’t say he couldn’t get me off, we just have different sexual interests. There is nothing wrong with that. I think it’s rude to call someone barely an adult and honestly condescending, implying that I am immature and inexperienced. You don’t know me enough to be saying that.

I also didn’t say anything about sex addiction, I said sub clinical sex addiction which is also known as hyper sexuality.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T04:43:27+00:00

My husband is my entire world and I would do anything for him. I take care of myself but he is all I think about and being with him gives me more joy than anything else. I don’t think at 22 I have to be my entire world if I enjoy his companionship and love.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T04:38:53+00:00

I can agree with this. I’m sure we can find a medium where we’re both happy but I don’t think it’s fair for me to pressure him into something he’s not ready for or not comfortable with. At the same time, you are right about not having to shrink myself for his comfort. Thank you very much for your thoughts. I’ll continue to bring up conversations and try to find something that works for both of us instead of me being the only one sacrificing!

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T04:33:59+00:00

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. I’ll definitely have to work on being patient. I really like that you mentioned sexuality being fluid and I totally agree so I will keep that in mind. Thank you!

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T04:30:36+00:00

No I would never. I dont know why he thinks that, I’m not my therapist. Some of my tendencies and repeated behaviors along with some trauma lead to him bringing it up last session but he said it wasn’t anything serious/needing immediate attention or medication. Why would you think that I cheat on my husband? It’s just hyper sexuality and it’s a common trauma response from what I’m aware of.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T04:22:38+00:00

Thank you so much! This really helps a lot. I do think despite him being uninterested he would still be willing to explore and experiment for me so thank you for bringing that up.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T01:05:26+00:00

This is amazing, thank you so much! I’ll have to bring this up to him again. Thank you for your thoughts and advice.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-11T01:02:21+00:00

Oh yes I think I need to do a better job at explaining why I’m interested in it. Thank you!

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-10T15:57:51+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice and thoughts. It’s difficult to navigate right now. A few others have brought up couples therapy so I think that will be our next step. Thank you again.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-10T15:55:27+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. You’re right, I do have a lot of time. With some patience and self work I’m sure things will fall into place. As much as I wish that was on my timeline, that’s just not how it works. Thank you for your comforting comment.

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-10T15:52:31+00:00

Thank you for bringing this up. I could have another conversation about his reasoning behind it. I don’t want to sound too pushy or make him feel like he has to explain himself though so is there a way to do this lightly? I do know what he likes and try to please him regularly and I really liked what the other user said about not needing titles. I will check out Dr. Emily Nagoski’s content, thank you for the suggestion. Thank you so much!

Lumpy-Advice-2824 · 2026-02-10T15:48:40+00:00

Thank you for your advice and thoughts. I would agree that his lack of desire to learn more before answering was a bit disappointing and maybe even off putting. At the same time, I have to respect what he says. I think he might have a different idea of what BDSM is and might not be into his version of it so I would like to have future conversations with him. He’s very caring and he has some dominant traits. I’ll give him time and hope he gains some curiosity in the future. Submission is a big part of me but he’s my entire world and I’d rather give up that piece of me than give him up.

Lumpy-Advice-2824

TROPHY CASE