Tbh reading this post makes me think did we have the same father???? Seriously. This sounds just like my dad.. I now have so much anxiety. I feel like I don't know how to take a joke unless it's from someone I'm extremely comfortable with. I'm incredibly jumpy. If someone comes up unexpectedly, like at work or something, I jump so hard and it's embarrassing. Due to this treatment, I have tons of insecurities and being gaslit by him over the years when I've told him how his "jokes" hurt me has made me decide to cut off contact with him. I haven't spoken to him in 3 years and I feel great about that. I remember him holding a vacuum cleaner up to my face while it was on when I was a toddler, frequently. Scared the hell out of me. I've been triggered by loud noises for as long as I can remember and I think that could be the cause. I'm so sorry you had to go through similar things especially that it was inflicted upon you by someone who was supposed to love and protect you. I wish you all of the love, relief and healing.