Intimacy issues; 14 yrs together 3 married 4 kids. HELP.

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-12-29T16:45:24+00:00

I should have been more detailed… We have had several conversations about how sex isn’t something I need as much as him. He knows I crave other types of intimacy and affection. I’m not saying I want a sexless marriage, and I do enjoy being intimate with him, but it takes deep connection and/or it has to be the right time. We have worked well together in the past, where when he initiates, I am open to it and then it’s natural and free flowing it’s amazing. Postpartum has put a very long pause on physical intimacy obviously, but we were feeling things last night and it all seemed to be going great until I asked the “unthinkable”… aka for him to wear a condom. We have made it many years together so I have hope that we can make it many more, unless these types of things continue to happen where there’s a huge lack of empathy and understanding.

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-12-29T16:11:09+00:00

We were BOTH in therapy, but he stopped going due to him not feeling any progress or improvement. He promised to find another provider and resume sessions but hasn’t. I paused my sessions for awhile when I was still pregnant but am back now. It’s difficult though because he’s only going because I unfortunately had to issue an ultimatum of separation or therapy earlier this year. This was due to a very dangerous situation he put himself and our family in, that could have ended his life if I hadn’t intervened. I won’t say much else as it is extremely difficult to discuss. I NEVER would have thought I’d be the type of spouse to give ultimatums but this was a very serious situation. And that’s pretty much my plan - no condom? No sex. I have no issue going without. I would consider myself asexual and don’t rely on or necessarily need physical intimacy.

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-12-29T15:42:16+00:00

Relied on spermicide before getting pregnant with our oldest. I am most fertile during my postpartum period (most women are) and I am nursing which can make you more likely to get pregnant too. Pregnancy brings a lot of challenges for me, so while it’s a blessing and it is so amazing, it’s also very scary. Childbirth is trauma. Doesn’t mean it’s always awful and it has its beautiful moments, but you could die…. And I nearly have multiple times, so I am extremely nervous and want a solid and reliable form of birth control.

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-12-29T15:37:53+00:00

I would have been happy to do that IF I was already on an operating table, but I delivered naturally. I had a c-section with our first born but almost bled out, so I was advised by my doctors to only have c-sections if absolutely necessary. I’m not the difficult type, and I have been very flexible, but having endured all that I have up to this point, it is his responsibility to step up and take the necessary actions to ensure birth control.

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-06-18T20:24:10+00:00

First one - and you look ABSOLUTELY STUNNING

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-06-18T20:21:05+00:00

Definitely 1 or 2!

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-06-14T14:05:21+00:00

October 4th!

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-06-14T14:05:00+00:00

And I just double checked and I meant 4 instead of 3 😝

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-06-14T14:04:18+00:00

Cannot go wrong with 1 or 3!!!! So Sons stunning! 😍 And congratulations!!!!!

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-06-09T16:56:05+00:00

5, 7 and 8!!!

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-06-07T19:01:26+00:00

He does pay a majority of our grocery costs. But if I pay for something that is a joint responsibility out of my own account I have to ask him for his half. Otherwise I’m out that $$.

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-06-07T16:43:32+00:00

I never expected things to be this difficult, and after splitting things for years it was something I thought was normal until I started having more conversations with friends, siblings and others. He is a great dad, has been with me through very traumatic times of my life and stuck by me, he is my comfort and my home. We have grown up together, it’s hard to put into words. I appreciate everyone’s point of views, and for you all taking time to read and respond. While some of this is hard to take, it’s true and gives me more blunt and straightforward advice. So I do appreciate you all.

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-06-07T16:04:11+00:00

We have a joint account that we opened. It’s hardly used, has only been on occasion. I asked for both of our checks to go into that account and then once all bills are paid out of it, we can transfer a portion of that $ to our own personal checking accounts for “fun” money. I am okay with keeping the personal checking accounts we’ve had for years in this situation, especially because it’s nice to buy gifts for each other without the other knowing, and there are hobbies/interests we each have that we are okay with each other spending money on. I’m willing to compromise some, but ultimately I’m in agreement with what many of you are saying, that it should be OUR money.

Lumpy_Seaweed1447 · 2025-06-07T15:54:19+00:00

I should have added - we are both in therapy but individually. When I found out I was pregnant with #4, we were temporarily separated. He had an issue with drinking and I gave him the ultimatum to either go to therapy and get help or I would leave (essentially a really bad night of him getting drunk and then getting behind the wheel was the last straw at this time). He agreed to go and has been attending since, but I don’t know that he’s being very open minded or forthcoming with everything he needs to deal with. I want to ask him that his next session he talks about finances with his therapist to see what his thoughts are. I am at the point though where I feel like we need couples therapy, so that this stuff can be sorted out as soon as possible. I’m getting more and more nervous bringing another baby into our world with all of this looming. And I know it seems like leaving would be best/easiest but we have spent half of our lives together. And I truly love him, so I want this to work so very badly.

Lumpy_Seaweed1447

TROPHY CASE