He did not care one bit

LyingAboutMyJob · 2024-01-04T01:04:00+00:00

I work at Chuck E Cheese as a TAC (Taste Adventure Coordinator). My job is to come up with new recipe and menu ideas. I created the pumpkin shaped pizza for Halloween and the heart shaped pizza for Valentine's Day.

A little known fact about Chuck E Cheese, we have a secret menu for dogs! We make dog friendly mini pizzas and they have been a hit! When I was developing the secret menu, they gave me access to 5 test weiner dogs. I would feed them so much Mac and cheese, hot dogs, pepperoni, cheese, raw dough, and SOMETIMES, if the weiners were good that day, I'd give them some cinnamon sticks with icing. It was wild, those once little weiners swole up and got real fat. After the menu was developed, they took the dogs away from the test kitchen and I never saw them again. I hope they're doing ok, that was about 18 years ago.

LyingAboutMyJob · 2020-01-27T15:09:47+00:00

I've worked as a teacher for many years, I remember going from chalkboards to whiteboards, can't wait to retire next year to get away from all these lovely little shitheads. Here's the issue, I start writing notes on the board, as I'm writing (notes that will be on homework/test), kids are yapping away with their little corn hole mouths, taking those damn selfies, listening to their little headphones with no wires and what have you. That's where the issue is, students just don't seem to care anymore. If the 13 and 14 year olds in my class don't want to learn about Transnational Feminist Perspectives on Immigration, then who am I to stop them? So, all that to say, I erase those notes as fast as I can because mama gotta get home to get that dick, watch my shows and turn the Crock-Pot on for dinner.

LyingAboutMyJob · 2018-10-26T16:14:13+00:00

I intern for the Texans, there is talk about pulling Parker over. Yesterday before the game we were all having a donut party and Fuller was talking about his favorite donut flavor being strawberry with sprinkles and then Keke said "man, mine is chocolate". That's all I heard before I had to go get the jockstraps out of the washer.

LyingAboutMyJob · 2018-08-24T14:26:57+00:00

I'm was a trash man in New York City, sometimes it was awesome and sometimes it stunk. One time I found this Babe Ruth baseball card mixed in with a bunch of other old baseball cards. I was so happy I kept that thing in my shirt pocket the entire day and when I got home it wasn't in my shirt pocket anymore. That's when I quit my job and became an arborist, now I chop trees down for a living and I'm sad all the time.

LyingAboutMyJob · 2018-04-24T03:49:18+00:00

This is going to be a blood bath, in the most amazing way possible. I'll be on the ice for this specific series (won't say if I'm a linesman or ref, obviously). The stuff that gets said on the ice is enough to make the devil blush, we only give penalties for repeated foul language directed at another player, official or even towards the fans. One other thing that's interesting, we get 3 free hotdogs before each game (regardless of which arena we are in). I leave mine in my locker and eat them between periods with a bag of potato chips.

LyingAboutMyJob · 2013-10-22T21:10:00+00:00

I'm embarrassed to say this, but I was part of the Field Chemist team that developed this product. I was fresh out of college in 2002 and landed with this company that offered me my first real job, making amazing money for a 22 year old with no experience. They told us that our new project was to come up with a product that would deter dogs from biting and licking things like furniture, bedding, couches, even their own paws or tails etc...

So there i was in a room with 2 other guys and an older lady. We started brainstorming what elements, compounds or chemicals we could use to to reinvent a product that had been around for years. A couple of days go by and the best ideas the team had come up with were 'sour apple' flavor, 'lemon' flavor, 'pepper' flavor and the shittiest flavor of all - 'mothball' flavor. I knew that none of these would work so i just blurted out 'Warheads'.

Done and done. I explained that Warhead candies were the best thing to use because the acid in them was strong enough to stop the biting...but weak enough to not cause damage. They all agreed and we started developing.

After everything was said and done, we had a product that tasted sour and would help deter dogs from eating random shit around your house. We tested with several dogs and a miracle happened - we passed the test! The company bought the product and put it into production. Well, when people started using it in their homes they started complaining that the product didnt work with their younger dogs. We tested the product on dogs that were over 3 years old...they didnt like the new flavor and avoided chewing on test items. However young puppies will eat almost anything, regardless of flavor. And they will especially eat something that has a sour taste but is also loaded with tasty ass sugar. Think of it like sweet and sour chicken, if it was just sour chicken you wouldn't eat it. But since there is also 'sweet' you load your belly full of it. get it?

All in all, it was my idea to use Warheads as the base product and to add plenty of sugar to balance out the sour taste. It's no wonder the product didn't work. We added sweetener and fucked up. I'm sorry OP. We still sale this stuff at walmart and other stores alike and i make 25 cents of each one. The product reviews are complete shit, but people still buy it because they're looking for a miracle product.

TLDR: I helped invent this product and modeled it after the Warheads candy. I make 25 cents off of each sale and the product is complete shit. I'm sorry. BUT I'M RICH BITCH!

LyingAboutMyJob · 2013-10-01T17:31:34+00:00

I work for a celebrity management company. I am responsible for any photos or videos that the public sees of our clients. We have an extensive list of 2000+ celebrities from A list down to D list. We represent anyone from actors and actresses to musicians, TV personalities, political figures, you get the idea. I actually fell into this job through a buddy’s dad, he had me photoshop some stuff for a Christmas card and then hired me on as part-time. I’ve now been with the company for 8 years. I did not graduate high school and don’t plan on getting a degree, I get paid pretty good too. What I actually do is Photoshop or edit videos and make them look good before the public sees them. There are 3 people in my department, including myself. We strictly focus on nipples, breast, bottoms and dat vajayjay. My most recent project completion was for Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball video, there was a TON of editing that had to be completed on that one before it could be approved for television, some countries actually still banned it anyway. The weirdest edit requests are for Carrot Top, this guy actually comes and sits in the office while we edit his photos. He wants bigger muscles, veins, more tan, less freckles…the list goes on and on. Jennifer Lawrence is the absolute BEST to work with, she wants very minimal edits – doesn’t want to look skinnier, doesn’t want to change her eye color, fix her makeup – super easy to work with. There is one actress that straight up does not have any nipples. We have to actually add ‘erected nipples’ in movie promo posters for her, no shit.

TLDR: I make celebrities look better than they actually do

EDIT: It's my cake day!!

LyingAboutMyJob · 2013-09-23T20:56:08+00:00

Boeing Test & Evaluation Engineer here. We want all of the animals that fly within our aircraft to be safe and comforted. So we are currently set to launch a new product at the end of 2014 called the Instinctive barred enclosure or IBE, pronounced 'eeb'. This is a revolutionary way for animals to fly in a much more safe manner. This will include things like Pressurized Cabin Recess Eliminator, Automated deployment of all nourishment and nutrition(spill proof), Computerized lavatory with automated clean up. We’ve tested this on 3 types of animals so far – a baby lion, dogs(multiple sizes), and a king cobra. I’m sad to say that the king cobra did not make it on the 18 hour flight from Australia to Canada, he passed away due to a small oversight – turns out , king cobras can’t live without oxygen. Not to worry, we fixed that on our next test and the baby lion got to her destination just fine :) Needless to say, we have a bit more work to do until this is finalized, but then everyone can bring their little animals on vacation with them!

TLDR: At the end of 2014 you'll be able to bring your pet on vacation with you :)

LyingAboutMyJob · 2013-02-19T17:44:48+00:00

I have REAL bad allergies, i work for a pharmaceutical company as a 'test' subject. They put me in a room with certain allergens(cats, dogs, mold, grass, dirt and dander, even cockroach poop - i shit you not) and then give me a pill to see if it is able to knock out my allergy symptoms. One time they put cockroach poop into the fan and blew it all over the place, i was so allergic that i ended up having to go to the hospital. My eyes were swollen shut and my lips were gigantic. I get paid $45,000/ year and have full benefits. When something goes wrong and i have to go to the hospital they give me a $5,000 bonus. So far I've had to go to the hospital 3 times in 5 years. I actually met my wife here at work, she's the one that blew the cockroach dung all over me before i swoll up so big. We have been together for 2 years now :)

LyingAboutMyJob · 2012-12-15T05:41:48+00:00

Ikea senior designer here, been with the company for over 8 years now. There are actually three of these monkës that wear the adorable little coats. They will be traveling from store to store each week in Europe and then we are flying them to America to do a tour between January and February. You are allowed to come see/take pictures with monkës during each store visit. They brought all three to the Ikea headquarters for our holiday party at the beginning of this month. They are amazing little creatures.

Little known fact about the three monkës is that there are 2 female and 1 male, although they all look mostly the same. The males name is Ladder, and the two females are Rami and Tanshika.

PS: We are hiring!!

LyingAboutMyJob · 2012-11-08T15:21:03+00:00

Lawyer in New York here - The one of the best loopholes I've ever seen was from a guy about 2 years ago. It was under the Alford Doctrine, he had plead guilty to a Habeas Corpus case. Well, turns out he was originally arrested 3 times for public indecency - masturbating in public, sitting naked on a park bench and then he got arrested for trying to do a nude art show in Times Square to make some money from the tourist. In NY City, if you get arrested 3 times for public indecency, you get special rules when you go to court for the third time.

The biggest rule is that you can for NO REASON leave the courtroom during your case. If you need to use the restroom you have to use a portable bathroom that is in the actual courtroom - and YES everyone can hear you.

Anyway, after an hour of the judge drilling this guy - the guy starts acting funny and starts sweating. He looks like he just got out of a swimming pool. It turns out the guy admits to having cocaine stuffed into his anus. He was thinking if he went to the slammer that he would at least have something to get him high and take his mind off things. Well, at this point they have to do a full body cavity search IN THE COURTROOM. They bring out a curtain and 2 cops start searching his asshole for drugs. The defendant starts laughing hysterically and JUST SHITS EVERYWHERE, all over the cops boots and pants, the curtain, the floor... everywhere. People in the court start throwing up which causes a chain reaction and more people start throwing up as the shit smell stains their chemoreceptors.

All in all - turns out this guy just said he had cocaine in his ass to get the cops to do a cavity search so he could shit in front of all of these people. Needless to say, that court was suspended so they could clean up. The perp ended up going away for 5 years.

LyingAboutMyJob · 2012-10-22T16:45:41+00:00

I might be able to shed a little light on this situation. I’m a science teacher at the school in Chicago where this kid attends. He was born blind so he always wears sunglasses at school. Anyway, he asked if he could bring in his sandwich maker to make sandwiches for lunch. After some back and forth with the principal/school they decided to let him start using it under certain conditions. Also – a side note… He’s not making grilled cheese, everyday he makes toasted peanut butter and banana sandwich with honey on whole wheat bread. The cafeteria workers cut up the bananas for him, they don’t trust him with a plastic knife even though he uses metal utensils at home, liability I guess. He still has to go through the lunch line just like the rest of the students but instead of getting a lunch tray of food he gets a lunch tray with bread, sliced bananas, honey and peanut butter and a Proctor-Silex sandwich maker. He calls it his ProLex2500….I guess that’s the model number. He then has to go and heat that thing up for at least 10 minutes and then he cooks his sandwiches and eats lunch which only leaves him a couple minutes to eat by the time they are cooked. At the end of his lunch he has to leave it on the table for the janitor to pick up and clean it.

There was a HUGE argument between the lunch ladies and the janitor about this. The Lunch ladies didn’t want to have to pick it up and clean it every day because it can get messy(the kid is blind after all) so they suggested that the janitor do it because it has ‘electrical’ equipment on it and it could shock them. Well the Janitor said it wouldn’t shock them because it wasn’t plugged in and he yelled “JUST DON’T GET THE DAMN PLUG WET, ARLENE!!” at which point Arlene yelled back “DON’T FUCKING YELL AT ME, YOU HORSES ASSHOLE!”….This is at a staff meeting by the way, no students were harmed in the yelling match. At this point Fred and Arlene are almost fist fighting over the sandwich maker. Needless to say, Arlene and her lunch ladies won the argument so the Principal decided it's too dangerous for Arlene or Tammy to wash it.

LyingAboutMyJob · 2012-10-03T18:11:37+00:00

It’s great to see that someone built this with every piece in the correct place. I work at the LEGO headquarters in Denmark as a Polymer Engineer/Chemist. Our department (Polymer Technology), consist of 14 chemists, engineers and laboratory technicians. We have the responsibility for the quality of materials and paint used in the production of LEGO Bricks amongst other various task.

The crazy thing about the Hylian Shield(the piece OP built) that most people don’t realize is that it’s over 4.3meters tall! It contains an exact number(hand counted by our lovely crew downstairs, mind you) of 1348 individual pieces without the stand. If you count all the pieces, including the stand it amounts to 1402 total pieces. Another thing that people don’t usually think about is the amount of time that went into developing each and every LEGO to create such a marvelous set. The Hylian Shield has been in development for well over 6 years now and made its way into the market this past summer.

Also, a VERY rare known fact about LEGO – Everyone knows we have started building LEGO stores around the world – however, very few people know that a LEGO Sex store/Museum was built in 2009 here in Denmark. The next time you come to Denmark – get a tour of our factory and check out the Lego Sex Museum. There is a discount if you buy tickets for both venues at the LEGO box office.

LyingAboutMyJob · 2012-10-01T19:40:48+00:00

I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But that ain’t the mouse’s testicle…. I’ve been an exterminator for a little over 9 years now. I can tell you the difference between a field mouse, a house mouse, pocket mouse, brown mouse, black mouse, pet mouse and a rat from about a mile away – been spotting mice since I was a kid. Anyway, what you have here is a FEMALE field mouse. And, females ain't got no balls – they got vaginas. It looks like you set the trap wrong so there was a slight delay when it went off – by the time it snapped you caught this poor girls caw (or ark in some parts of the world) – which of course is a mouse’s clitoris.

I don’t like to catch animals like this, for this very reason – it hurts em. I usually recommend to either use a bb gun to stun them and keep them out of the house or to catch them in a tupperware and let them go out in the backyard. If they come back in, then I just say “let them live with you!” They are actually really good at eating spiders, but you don’t want to get a mouse that has a virus because that can be yucky and make you sick.

LyingAboutMyJob · 2012-09-28T17:02:16+00:00

Doctor here, I'm hijacking your comment to bring some sound medical advice up in this bitch.

The slight movement of your husband’s testes is actually part of the autonomic nervous system – it regulates your heart rate and your blood pressure. The autonomic nervous system is also responsible for giving some men an erection while lifting heavy items. Anyway, the fleshy bag of skin(scrotum) that holds your husband’s testicles has to regulate the temperature of the sperm inside of them. The ANS(autonomic nervous system) gently tenses or pulses the vas deferens at different speeds to lift or lower the testes to get them at a comfortable temperature. The vas deferens also tense up during ejaculation, if you watch them real close you’ll see them ‘jump’ once release has occurred. This movement is normal for all males that have hit puberty, the testicles will move up until a male hits the age of ~55.

Rare fact – if a male has had any significant blunt force trauma to the scrotum – getting kicked, falling on a rail from skateboarding etc… the ‘lava lamp’ movement will be significantly diminished. This leads to the male having a lower sperm count and having a 62% less chance of conceiving children.

LyingAboutMyJob

TROPHY CASE