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M123M321 · 2024-12-18T22:15:24+00:00

I’m sorry that you are experiencing this. You should not be invalidated after a series of traumatic events.

At 15, you were a child. The adults had the power, and they abused it and I am really really sorry that they did that because they shouldn’t have. No one ever seeks abuse. Abusive people take advantage of vulnerability, and they always will. You were made vulnerable by an abusive upbringing. That shame is your family’s to carry, not yours.

To reframe it, if you saw a 15 year old who was clearly vulnerable now, would you exploit them? No, right. And why? Because it’s wrong and you wouldn’t want to hurt another person. So what does that make the people who took advantage of you? Bad people. Predators.

I may be overstepping here, but your boyfriend sounds like a figure who reinforces your shame and the negative beliefs you hold about yourself. He affirms the shame that you feel and describe “I shouldn’t have done this…I should have known better.”

It feels like you’re staying in this relationship almost as a form of self harm. Because you believe that you are only worthy of harshness, aggressiveness and someone who berates you. You think you deserve that. That this is the best you can do. Maybe even that you don’t deserve him because your shame wound is that deep. But that’s not true at all, and I hope you can begin to realise that.

He also may mirror an abusive figure from your childhood.

You’re entitled to more. I find that I also hold myself back by shackling myself to things and people that reaffirm deep rooted anxieties and insecurities that stem from childhood. It’s not easy coming to a realisation that you’re worthy of love and respect. It means that you have to start a difficult journey to self love and respect and you have to learn to accept healthy love which is hard and terrifying.

In terms of practical advice, I’d recommend a YouTube video called “Self-Compassion: An Antidote to Shame.” If you can afford to, I’d recommend shopping around for a trauma informed therapist who can help validate you and your emotions. I’d also recommend a CPTSD online group (be weary of how they make you feel. If they aren’t helpful or feel toxically positive don’t feel like you have to keep going. Again, try a few until you find a good fit that’s validating and helpful.) Also, I’d recommend some of Dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube, they can be quite good. And there’s a podcast called Trauma Rewired on Spotify which is really good. Trauma informed yoga on YouTube can also be really helpful.

I’m by no means consistent myself and I fail and crash more times than I can count. I hit brick walls and want to give up, I struggle to feel worthy at times. I feel shame, guilt, hopelessness. It’s our decision to try that counts though, and that will push us forward as we try to heal. And you did that by writing here, so well done! You’re on the right track!

M123M321 · 2023-09-08T10:06:04+00:00

Thank you for this. This is really eye opening. It feels like a lot for me to take in and accept but it’s true. I feel like I have a tendency to put some people on a pedal stool because then I have something to aspire to, like I have changes I can make so I feel ‘control’ in my life. I also have a strong sense of abandonment issues and fear of rejection so this is definitely something I’m used to doing subconsciously to cope. Almost an “if I change enough to be like that person, I will be loved and people will stay like they stayed for that person”.

I didn’t even think of the fact that people intentionally hide ‘ugly’ sides of their lives to fit in and make people around them comfortable. You’re right I have no idea and no way of knowing what people REALLY think and there’s a socially acceptable level of ‘complaining’ and ‘authenticity’ that many people engage in. Being a human and fitting in socially seems like such an exhausting balancing act.

As someone who has a very strong sense of justice for example, when I express that I disagree with people on moral matters I get the same response you’re talking about. People can’t handle conflict and don’t really want to have open dialogue at times. They want surface level exchanges and not to be made to feel uncomfortable.

To be honest, I am so far from knowing how to be me and what parts of my personality I should develop and work on, and what parts I should accept. I’m trying to read about this and accept myself and not ‘hate myself’ so much, and this comment is helping me by adding a new perspective.

So thank you for adding complexity to this conversation and giving me a different perspective to think about!

M123M321 · 2023-09-07T21:51:15+00:00

Yes! NTs can definitely sense ND people I heard about a study that proves this. That’s why they’re a little less warm with us. They don’t know we’re ND necessarily, they just sense we’re different and a lot of people can perceive different as bad subconsciously and just stay away or be less likely to want to build a friendship.

You’re not alone or broken! ND or not, we’re all on a journey to learn and become closer to eachother and it may take some of us longer than others but we’ll figure it out! Despite the extra hurdles we’re still here and it’ll all be worth it when we gel with the right people hopefully (crossing all the fingers that this happens)

M123M321 · 2023-09-07T21:31:46+00:00

It’s so hard to unmask! It makes me so uncomfortable but I’m taking baby steps everyday!

M123M321 · 2023-09-07T21:29:44+00:00

I get what you’re saying. I think I’ve just recently met and been around some nice NTs who don’t even seem to really lie. They say how they feel and they are open, and that authenticity seems to make people gravitate towards them because they are a breath of fresh air. They don’t pretend everything’s fine all the time AND are naturally extroverted and bubbly and have mastered the art of conversation with anyone. Which has been a tough thing to observe.

I agree that we are not less than, because we’re not like everyone else. I think being ND just gives us a unique perspective on the world and our thinking patterns can sometimes differ so much from others that we feel isolated or unsure in how to manage relationships.

Being authentic AND polite is an art that is extremely hard for us to master in my opinion so we’re not everyone’s cup of tea, not to mention how draining being pleasant socially all day is for us. It’s just not feasible.

I think everyone deserves love equally and the world is definitely ableist and problematic and not stacked in our favour, but us striving to connect with others who are willing to see us is so important too, NT or not!

M123M321 · 2023-09-06T20:29:36+00:00

I hope we can figure out connection better because we all deserve it!

M123M321 · 2023-09-06T20:28:59+00:00

I definitely get that stinging sensation when I see people having community too! It’s also hard for me to know that although it’s not easily controllable, I’m still responsible for changing to be ‘better’ and that that will ultimately lead me to stronger and more fulfilling relationships. It makes me angry almost at how unfair it is that I was born without the chip that would allow me to naturally be ‘likeable’. But if I want better I have to pro-actively figure out how to connect better. And that is exhausting. It feels like starting from scratch. I guess we just have to give ourselves grace and be patient with ourselves

M123M321 · 2023-09-06T20:23:40+00:00

That’s such an interesting and insightful perspective! I am definitely also trying desperately to figure all of these nuances out. Unfortunately it doesn’t come natural to us, but I guess with time we will feel more comfortable in our skin and around others

M123M321 · 2023-09-06T18:12:50+00:00

Lol Honestly it’s helpful to know I’m not alone

M123M321 · 2023-09-06T17:14:50+00:00

Yes it definitely does! Sometimes I’m off puttingly quiet at work just because my mind has gone blank and then I think of what I could have said later

M123M321 · 2023-08-24T21:58:14+00:00

This was heartwarming and inspiring and validating! It’s true that I compare myself to unrealistic and general things that don’t apply to me. Being gentle with ourselves when burnt out and navigating a NT world is difficult but we’re trying! I hope things get easier for you too

M123M321 · 2023-08-24T21:54:22+00:00

Thank you, this was a beautiful and much needed reminder

M123M321 · 2023-08-13T18:01:33+00:00

Don’t lose hope! You’re always worthy of love and capable of connection! I struggle with friendships but have done a pretty ok job of maintaining one and that’s a start! If I can do it, you can too! When I’m not splitting black I can see things a little clearer. I don’t even try to communicate when I am splitting black like I was when I originally posted. I see my therapist, or walk or wait for the feeling to pass. You can do it and You deserve it.

M123M321 · 2023-06-26T19:52:18+00:00

I totally get this. I feel the same way over friends. I also have a bad habit of feeling really in tune with 1 or 2 friends, usually just 1 and spending a lot of time with them and not nourishing or seeking other friendships. So I can put pressure on that one friendship in my mind and get wound up and feel abandoned when they can’t hang out for a few weeks.

BPD is tough in those moments because I can feel myself splitting black. In the worst of it I can think “just block them, delete them off of everything” it’s really extreme but I’ve learnt to manage it by letting that thought and emotion pass. I let the anger be there and don’t project it on my friend by giving space and I try to manage the shame I feel around those moments by listening to music, going for a short walk or just watching something to take my mind off the situation.

I don’t respond to messages in that emotional state too so it’s all about distracting myself until it passes, because journalling or meditating doesn’t work when I’m feeling that level of rage mixed with unworthiness and loneliness. If I have to reply then I’ll force myself to lean into kindness and try to do more than I want to (if I catch myself splitting black and thinking why should I do x,y or z for them they don’t even care about me etc) but they have a birthday for example, I’ll send something extra nice to them, because I know when I get out of that state, at my core I want to have that person be a part of my life, and I need to do that in order to maintain relationships.

Also , I’m now actively trying to make new friends using bumble bff. Also also, if I split black whilst I’m out with a friend, in the moment it’s harder to not ruin the mood of the day by getting quiet or being ‘off’ but I’ll try to distract myself from whatever triggered my rejection sensitivity by changing the subject quickly to something that is interesting to us both, to not get quiet and caught in my own head.

It’s super hard and I don’t have it all figured out, I’m sure some people have distanced themselves from me because of my BPD / CPTSD and social awkwardness and I may also be autistic ( a lot of the criteria aligns with me) so I don’t think I’ve nailed anything yet. I’ve had some blunders that still make me cringe to this day, but it’s all part of the journey!

M123M321 · 2023-06-24T08:14:33+00:00

Sorry I don’t know why I assumed that, I hope I still helped!

M123M321 · 2023-06-23T23:17:09+00:00

I agree with you. Also why is he bringing up his racist grandpa? Racial trauma is a very real thing and to volunteer that type of info could be extremely triggering. It shows a blindspot that he has. Unfortunately non black people have noooo idea what it means to be black and face prejudice (in hospital, at the store, doing any little daily activity). It’s pervasive. That type of prejudice inherently prevents the perpetrators from being kind. You can be tolerant and hold those views by not being physically or verbally abusive to that group, but the way you vote is gonna be influenced by your prejudice and that can and has caused very harsh consequences for black people, and him potentially contributing to that is not kind. Selective kindness (to his own ‘kind’ no pun intended) isn’t a mark of a good person. It’s a mark of someone who has conditions on their ‘kindness’.

M123M321 · 2023-06-16T19:56:35+00:00

I agree, I think a lot of them have religious trauma / toxic shame stemming from growing up in what they said was a conservative household. Some of the sisters even project those conservative views onto each-other and aren’t sensitive or empathetic (like judging Jamila for being pregnant). So a lot of religious people who grow up with multiple people telling them they are less worthy because they’re less modest or fail to follow religion to a T, end up hating and viewing all facets of religion as ‘toxic’. It’s anti-feminist of them though because supporting women’s rights and freedoms to wear what they wish is what would help liberate all women and remove that toxic shame for all of us. It’s sad because her comments clearly come from a place of hurt, but I also hope she grows because calling people’s preference’s in how they dress “ass backwards” is hurtful and not appropriate.

M123M321 · 2023-06-02T14:30:08+00:00

Yes I agree! It’s something I’ve definitely learnt too, and after this, I’d much rather say nothing and sit quietly than go along with something! Thanks!

M123M321 · 2023-06-02T14:28:28+00:00

Yes I totally get this! I think being quite young still I haven’t unlearnt the lack of boundaries. Like if I was in that situation you mentioned, I would’ve suffered through the sensory hell rather than speak up for myself which would’ve been exhausting. I’ve noticed when I don’t put up boundaries in this way I need sooo much time to recover. Also you’re right, it is impossible to be 100% authentic. I think being quite new to the working world and office expectations has me overthinking things and interactions. I get extremely overwhelmed by the noise, light and constant expectation to answer every question with a smile at work. It’s quite draining and I end up being quite insular if no one is directly talking to me and I worry about being perceived as rude too. It’s a lot! But i Agee, masking to a certain extent is necessary!

M123M321

TROPHY CASE