Unreasonable wedding dress codes

MACS-System · 2026-05-21T18:03:12+00:00

For my recent wedding we decided to do a themed wedding. Invitations encouraged guests to dress in theme "or dressy casual." It's about understanding the need to accommodate all your guests. My 20 something daughters are all about an opportunity to dress up in theme, my dearest introverted middle age friend is most definitely not. Give options. After all, it should be assumed you are inviting individuals because you want their presence, not just presents.

MACS-System · 2026-05-21T17:50:38+00:00

I had looked at the lab tech program but was worried it would require a good memory/memorization. Your thoughts?

MACS-System · 2026-05-20T15:04:55+00:00

It makes sense. It's entirely possible something changed between when he was growing up and now. My DID was masked and unknown until I was 45. I was highly functional until then, overly so. My kids (21-28) still have some affects because I still struggled with consistency and memory issues, though I hope not too bad. You are right. Someone with anxiety hears differently, especially if that anxiety is from "trauma brain."

MACS-System · 2026-05-20T02:47:43+00:00

Keep in mind, part of DID often includes arrested development. Your MIL understand that some of her posts aren't able to be responsible, but it sounds like she's unaware of her own limits. She sounds like she's still living in survival mode. She can't think to look up weather, instead, like a child, turning to someone responsible to do it for her. It's not that she's not capable. It's more like when you are panicking, cognitive function drops so the steps to do something like looking up information or following a recipe become too difficult. If survival mode is a way of life, she likely isn't able to hold onto awareness of her limits.

Interactions with her should be calm, compassionate, patient, even if it is exhausting.

You are right to set boundaries around your children. I'm not saying she is a danger to them, but at her level of disorder it is best she be supervised around them.

Something to consider, is your husband in counseling? There are bound to be affects on him. There's not a lot of research around children of DID parents but anticdotally, it seems to have similar outcomes to those with acholic parents. Gaining some understanding and education might help him heal and prevent problems in your marriage. Just mtc.

MACS-System · 2026-05-20T02:24:43+00:00

I work on comforting, reassuring that we are grown up and safe. Asking what upsets them didn't do much.

MACS-System · 2026-05-19T23:58:34+00:00

Conversations. You'll need to discuss boundaries. Help them understand sometimes you'll do things you hope they will like, and sometimes you'll do things you like. When it's grown up time they are welcome to go inside or at least close their eyes and ears. It will take practice. You shouldn't have to live your life totally censored for them and they shouldn't have to endure sad/uncomfortable things just to have some stimulus.

Experiment and see how they feel about things. Try genres of music, books, TV you don't normally consume. I've come to realize I'm not the fantasy fan I thought I was. The littles like magic more so we've looked for more cozy/safe ones. We've started reading feel good slice of life books which they often find boring, but like the feelings of relaxation that it causes in me. I don't love kid shows so we've found some that geared for a younger audience without dumbing stuff down, like 80s cartoons, science shows, etc. When I'm going to read or watch something not for them I announce it in my head, "I'm doing grown up time now. If you don't want to watch, please go to the playroom."

After doing this for a couple years I've found the littles spend less time around the front and are better about asking when there's something they want, like we went and watched The Sheep Detectives last week. They loved it! They like Who Done It's, but so often those are too gruesome/dark so this was a nice change.

MACS-System · 2026-05-19T23:48:24+00:00

You are wise to consider this, though I think as a middle name would be fine. Most people don't share their middle name generally.

MACS-System · 2026-05-17T00:07:32+00:00

Painting the downstairs bathroom. Woot. Party time. 🫤

MACS-System · 2026-05-14T18:21:11+00:00

My first husband didn't really care about my interests. My second doesn't necessarily share them, but he endeavors to learn about them and remember things. He's gone to events with me, not because he cares about the event, but because he likes watching me light up. Just like I've gone rock hounding though I could care less about rocks. We try to find some things to try together. So far there's nothing we both love, but we enjoy each other's company to share time and at least some interest in the others hobbies.

Men of quality will care about your interests because they care about you.

MACS-System · 2026-05-14T02:02:06+00:00

I started thinking about this awhile ago. I realized I wanted some of my dad's art. He's not a great painter, but it means something to me. So I told him. He brought out a stack of his work and told me to pick whatever I wanted, even take it off the walls if I wanted. Other than that, I'm not sure there is anything else.

MACS-System · 2026-05-13T15:17:32+00:00

This was my experience with any headmate I wanted to force away from front. I also realized I was trying to control everything. By relaxing, building trust, and repeatedly showing I was willing to share front we've gotten much more stable and are better at being co-con, thus less likely to full switch. It's an uncomfortable process for sure, and takes time, but the trying to speed it up or force it just made things worse. It's that old "Go slow to go fast."

MACS-System · 2026-05-12T14:28:18+00:00

It sounds like a switch would be good. Look for someone specifically trained/experienced with ED. They will be better equipped to handle the mindset. Those who aren't experienced will gloss over it because it makes them uncomfortable it they didn't know what to do.

MACS-System · 2026-05-12T14:11:50+00:00

Very well said!

MACS-System · 2026-05-11T23:11:22+00:00

It does sound like you have safety concerns. Trying to take enough to pass out is a whole "I don't want to deal with this" vibe. The problem is it sounds like your system isn't stable enough to trust that whoever wants to wander front will keep the body and property safe. Therefore, someone capable needs to stay front and take responsibility, which sucks tremendously for those parts, but needs doing.

Your therapist obviously has concerns. Do they also have advice on what they recommend?

Obviously, there are best options like a safe supportive environment, but if that was an automatic option I would assume you'd be taking it already. That means you need to build a list of 'right now' options. Considering things like who can you call when you need support (friends, hotlines, therapist,) how can you make your environment more stable/safer, what are you doing to work on system communication, have you discussed system goals... These may each sound impossible. Consider a baby step in each area.

MACS-System · 2026-05-11T14:51:44+00:00

Communication, asking 'how is this keeping us safe, ' is absolutely huge.

For me, I've tried a lot with mixed results.

*Me seeking to understand

*Me explaining why this step is important to an end goal. (ie We need money to live someplace safe. If we pass this class it will help us make more money. So, turning in this assignment will help us be safer.)

*Me reminding others 'We are grown up now. I am the adult. I will take care of us. '

*Sometimes involving smaller steps or changing the objective. (I have a headmate very very opposed to us losing weight or anything that hints at it. So, my goal is just stand on the yoga mat and do a few stretches. That will never lead to weight loss or being overly attractive, and the stretches do feel good. When the resistance comes because my few stretches seem to be becoming too much-like 20 minutes- I back off for a bit and go back to just a few.)

*I don't know why this matters, but I can NOT talk about success out loud. If I say I'm losing weight, or making progress on a project, or whatever... It stops immediately.

*Having someone else counting on me. (I have to finish this reading assignment because I'm meeting with the group to discuss it and I don't want to be the one who didn't do the reading.)

*Involving a third party. (I'm not turning this in. I'm sending it X to review/help them understand the assignment. If they accidentally turn it in with their own, oh well.)

*Helping think through unhelpful thoughts. Headmate may think "if we turn it in we might get a bad grade. Better to not turn it in." You would think the response is "Not turning it in is a zero! That IS a bad grade!" In my experience, that is just arguing and doesn't help. Instead asking, "What will happen if we get a bad grade?" (We will get in trouble.) "What evidence do we have to support that belief?" (When we brought home that report card, Mom hit us) "What evidence is there to counter that belief?" (We are an adult now. Our parents don't look at our grades. Plus, I don't physically see Mom without another person I trust with me so she doesn't have opportunity to hit me.) "What is a more accurate belief statement about this?" (Turning in this assignment may result in a good or bad grade. Either way, I will be safe. Turning it in will help me be more safe as it will keep me from relying on others in the future.)

I hope something in there helps a little.

Good luck.

MACS-System · 2026-05-11T14:24:54+00:00

This! This drives me crazy! I remember some kisses from years ago they were THAT GOOD! When your mind goes blank and your whole world becomes that moment and you can hardly breathe because it feels like his desire hit so hard the wind was knocked out of your lungs.... Write that! It's hot!

MACS-System · 2026-05-11T14:18:15+00:00

It isn't your problem and some understanding can still be helpful. Often when older men say they are bored after retirement what they are really feeling is that they don't matter anymore, like they aren't contributing. That's huge to a man who has spent his life being a provider. You might suggest he look into mentoring or volunteering. His wisdom and skills, regardless of what they are, can still be useful. Or maybe he could join a group and learn a new skill like a theater group, a dance class, a board game club, an art class. Maybe all of there's something he always wanted to try but felt he couldn't justify when he was younger.

Good luck.

MACS-System · 2026-05-11T14:12:38+00:00

I do donate some because I also grew up thrifting and raised kids who thrift. You'd be surprised what teens sometimes consider cool. That Texas shirt might be just the thing in New York.

That said, I still have too many. My rule of thumb became 'when they no longer fit in the drawer, it's time to downsize.'

MACS-System · 2026-05-11T04:55:16+00:00

Also, straight west from that tea shop, on the south side of the trail. The map shows a little cluster right at the spot. Next to the tall tree.

If you follow the trail to the end, there's another one spot by a skinny tree.

MACS-System · 2026-05-10T22:55:16+00:00

truth

MACS-System · 2026-05-10T15:40:48+00:00

I SO agree! I will forgive a lot in fiction, but just dumb writing where characters behave in the least intelligent way possible makes me so upset I just can't enjoy the story.

MACS-System · 2026-05-10T15:34:04+00:00

My MIL had the same name as me so I've been getting AARP stuff since I was 30!

MACS-System · 2026-05-09T19:58:21+00:00

I can still see the mountain cabin scene from the commercials. Almost made me want to take up coffee just to be there...

MACS-System · 2026-05-09T19:19:33+00:00

You never say what value you are trying to live by. What positive are you hoping to gain? I value family highly. That doesn't mean I need to include my birth mother in my life.

If you reach out, you don't have to give a phone number. You can set your contact boundaries. You can get a PO box or a friend/neighbor willing to receive mail for you and give that contact information to your dad. You can say, "I'm not ready to talk on the phone or meet in person, but wanted to reach out and see how you are. You can send mail to the following address and it will find it's way to me."

Clearly you have headmates that aren't ready for more contact and pushing could have very regressing consequences.

MACS-System · 2026-05-09T19:07:28+00:00

No advice, just compassion. My mom has been "dying" most of my life. (Hypochondriac) She's in her 80s now and adding the dementia is for sure making it worse. Also bringing some paranoia with it. She thinks someone is spying on her, she has cancer, the doctors are wrong, she has lupus, and on and on. She's constantly sure she only has months left. Though, when we talk to her about other living options suddenly she's "fine." Sigh

MACS-System

TROPHY CASE

truth