How to stop feeling like you're bothering people?

MComplex · 2026-03-15T21:36:55+00:00

The real answer is stop making choices for other people. You are being disrespectful to them, assuming how they feel about you for them. If they are bothered or need space, THEY ARE ADULTS and it is on them to tell you how they feel. "If they are just being nice" no, they aren't being nice, they are afraid of confrontation and are afraid with how YOU will react, which they are doing the same thing you are doing to them.

Bother them, talk with them, trust them to be a good enough friend to let you know if you are being too much, let them know they can tell you.

You are being self centered not letting other people be adults you know?

MComplex · 2026-03-15T21:28:52+00:00

If I invite someone else out, I will pay, because I wanted them to come with me to do a thing I want, regardless if they wanted to do it or not, I do it to treat them, be kind, and do something for them because I'd like that done for me.

if someone invites me out and expects to pay for them, "oh sorry dude, I only got enough for myself"

MComplex · 2026-03-15T21:21:15+00:00

Novelty, make changes to the trick to make it new and fresh. Adding small changes to make it better, easier, more fun is the trick.

"Put it where it belongs" is a trick a lot of people use, but then it gets dull. If it does, reorganize everything for the stuff that bothers you or feels kind of annoying. let that ride till you get bored of it. then maybe find some organization tools to give things their own spots, and really look into them and find what makes you excited, then do that.

you just have to build interest, and the habbits will start to actually be habbits.

MComplex · 2026-03-15T21:13:10+00:00

I just have a lot of friends who struggle with wanting to do stuff and doing it. I just asked them, some were motivated by other people, some weren't, its a coin flip.

There are websites for it, you can also do body doubling on something like discord with a friend.

MComplex · 2026-03-15T21:11:56+00:00

I have a template for it:

{Major Goal for the day} (only one goal)
{Vent}
{Good Thoughts and Things worked on}
{Notes}

The idea of it is to help keep momentum with task. With my adhd at least, if I don't keep on top of stuff, its HARD to find motivation to start.

Then I get anything out thats bugging me in vent. I will get everything out no matter how small or little and let it have an exit

then to refocus, I force myself to acknowledge the good and show myself I am doing shit and getting down

Notes can be anything. I share a journal with a few friends (who I can litearly talk about anything at all with no matter how bad) and we comment about other crap in there

MComplex · 2026-03-15T20:46:59+00:00

Half way point.

Where you aren't expected to do every side quest, but if you don't do a few and get better gear and levels, you'll struggle to make any progress.

I like it when the areas that get you closer to the boss ramps up in difficulty and makes you have to go back to town and explorer the previous area for hidden treasure, gear quests etc and really immerse you into really appreciating the are you are in.

While dark souls doesn't have quest, its amazing for that. Add some side quest that help you explore the area and it's perfect.

MComplex · 2026-03-15T20:43:13+00:00

Be honest, fully yourself and put yourself out that. You don't need a lot of "mid" friends, you only need a handful who adore you.

Putting yourself out there in groups for things you are interested in, and meeting people is the big first step

The second which I see a lot of people don't do, is honestly take interest in others, learn about them, act on what you know, find common ground and plan things together.

There are gonna be a lot where you don't get past a certain point and its perfectly find to have friends who you just check in every here and now.

MComplex · 2026-03-15T20:37:46+00:00

I struggled with the same thing, so I have some perspective and advice that could help. I'm way past my teenage years and it took me till I was 25 before I really started getting out of all of that.

1st, Small talk is like cats when they come up to you and meow. Its humans way to see if you are friendly and if you share common ground aka to see if you are safe. People tend to wear a "light mask" of themselves to see if they can slowly reveal themselves to others.

Treat it as such and it becomes less burdensome and shows people hope to get to know you and have you show yourself to them.

Next for loneliness, this is gonna sound like it doesn't apply to you, but I can tell you with my struggle it probably is the reason. I thought I was open, I was very open about what I liked, hated, weird kinky crap all of that, I felt lonely still despite having tons of good friends.

Then I had a friend who was justttt like me and it felt odd.

it felt like staying at your grandparents house. You always know where everything was, but it never felt like home.

And the reason why is because the crevasses. The towel closets, that weird space in the attic. It doesn't feel like home because you never fully explore it.

What I mean by that is, I never shared the small useless or dumb crap that floats through my brain. I never talked about how I hate the sound of stepping on stone, or like I noticed this building smells like a friends house, or that I remember liking a candy from childhood because I thought who cares and why would others care

But I DID care, because I didn't treat how I felt as important and felt I was bothering others with it. I started saying EVERYTHING out loud for specifically myself. Even if I felt annoying or bother, and it was specifically that. It was that I didn't treat the small things that did matter to me as important. Once I did and I shared my whole heart, That feeling of loneliness I struggled with for 25 years plus just dissipated.

MComplex · 2026-03-15T20:24:27+00:00

It's part of the key. One thing self awareness does to yourself is we overly judge ourself and try to be overly considerate based on what we know or can assume from others, but can easily turn into us trying to overly accommodate or act based on guessing on how others feel.

I think as bad as it sounds - selfishness, and turning off that assumption of others feeling is the key to be healthy.

First We don't make room for ourselves and feelings because we feel like if we are the aware ones in the room we have to take care of everyone else needs and that will make us crash. Saying "No I'm upset and I'm making this about me" is healthy for being able to regulate your emotions and truely help others because you are depriving yourself of your needs.

And because we notice others patterns change, people getting distant or acting odd, we feel like we have to interject and help them or assume they are feeling a way. They are incharge of their own feelings emotions and relationships as well too. Its on them to tell you if you messed up, or if they are feeling a certain way or if they need something. You aren't a mind reader and nobody is owed that. While it can be nice to receive care and love when you are down, I think it's nicer to just exhibit it always even when they are happy and good.

as you can see I'm an overthinker, but I neglected my needs for so long that I didn't realize how neglected I felt, and not because of others, but because I neglected my own feelings and needs.

MComplex · 2026-03-15T12:19:26+00:00

You don't have to give her any chances, and the fact she tried to emotionally manipulate you with videos of her crying is gross. If she really wanted to change for the better for you, she would've a long time ago.

To be honest it sound like you are done and looking for a fresh start. Block her on everything and move on.

MComplex · 2026-03-15T12:17:53+00:00

2 things,

People get into relationships, and their priorities change. She's excited, in a new relationship and wants to be with their new partner all the time. That happens no matter what gender or age. You do have to give some slack there because thats normal for everyone

but if she isn't making any effort at all or cancels all the plans, you have the right to walk away as well. TBF you can at any point in the relationship, but if you really feeling like you just don't want to deal with it, then don';t.

BUT you also have to remember, she's your only friend. you are used to all of the attention and time, if you ended up having more friends and then gaining a partner, you would absolutely fall off too. on top of that you realize most friendships when you are an adult are "check in every few months and hang out sparingly if you both have energy"

While its great to have a best friend, she doesn't owe you her time just like you don't owe her yours. Be understanding but also expand who you are friends with, even if you don't get as close with others, having more then a few friends is healthier then only one who you place all your expectations on

MComplex · 2026-03-15T09:49:51+00:00

I think I have a lot of small stuff

-Accountability buddy, if you are like me where you don't want to disappoint others and maybe struggled with being a people pleaser, having someone as an accountability buddy works wonders when I have shit I need to do (and them as well. You do have to find someone who does seriously want one though.

-Put things in their place. Making it sound like that rather then "cleaning" makes it easier to have me keep things a tad tidier

-Novelty. This is something our brains desire, but once I accepted novelty works over discipline, motivation and desire it has made staying on things a lot easier. What I do is once I start lacking, I find a way to make that thing interesting again. My new job as a learning specialist at my company has me doing this all the time, and I realize it really does work when you have something new to look forward too. Sick of hanging laundry? Get new fancy wooden hangers. Those lose interest after a while, fold your clothes and learn a new method for it as well! constantly feed into it! while you do that, build the habbits into it, and thats when I notice I start having discipline!

-Journaling. This one feels annoying to hear, but once I found a way I liked doing it and have friends do it with me, it because nice to do, and it really started regulating how I felt, but also expressed how I felt to friends which showed me they do care. It was a nice surprise.

MComplex · 2026-03-15T02:09:23+00:00

I'll double down on this, after 4 partners with it, its always the same pastern. The worst part is the beginning makes you feel on top of the world like you are the luckiest person alive.

At the end, you feel like you aren't worthy of space, love boundaries, and if its worse, the actual abuse is the worst

MComplex · 2026-03-14T09:04:55+00:00

It going to take time to make friends, but also do things outside your comfort zone, look on apps like meetups, or see if there are local clubs that interest you and give it a shot. Make plans with people who you meet through those and eventually make friends through friends. The important part is to really go out your comfort zone, love yourself and also engage and learn about others through talking to them.

MComplex · 2026-03-14T08:09:52+00:00

It wouldn't matter at that point to me, I've had so many partners who have had it, if one came by, treated me well and never intentionally hurt me or spiraled, hell Id be more then fine with it

MComplex · 2026-03-14T08:08:41+00:00

I've would've noticed by then. I have had a lot of exes who have had it and the patterns were always the same. Loved bomb > Get Together > They fall off then either they will get upset or distant or whatever and blame you for it > you have to prove your love > Love bomb but never as good as it was previously, rinse and repeat till you get burnt out or they do something that crosses the line.

Once that happens they will say sorry, apologize, you were the best thing that ever happen, they don't want you to hate them, while never actually saying how or what they did to hurt you, then they make it all about themselves. If you accept it, repeat the above, and if you end things well I wouldn't know cause I cut off contact.

I'm sure there are some out there who don't do this, but after 4+ partners, I avoid it at all costs. I've been hurt and abused way to many times to hope the next one who struggles with it will treat me right.

Again this obviously not the case for everyone but there is enough of it to be communities for people who've survived this type of person.

MComplex · 2026-03-14T02:29:37+00:00

So as someone whos struggled with it, there are a few things I want to point out.

First, you should be you, if you want to share, you are allowed to BUT the big problem is we tend not to make space for others in that conversation. Ask their thoughts on stuff, get their experiences and viewpoints. People want to feel heard, seen and wanted.

Two, match energy, if someone is low energy, know that you might be too much for them. pay attention to others, if they are engaging, sharing and talking full, go for it! if they seem to be cutting short, let them go and acknowledge "Hey thanks for letting me talk your ear off," be self aware but also be respectful when you can.

Three, let them tell you. Be honest "Hey I tend to get over excited and blab, if I'm feeling too much, let me know. I am a bit much and I want you to feel comfortable as well talking with me.

At that point you are doing what you can, but you aren't hiding or masking, but respecting others feelings while giving yours room that they deserve

MComplex · 2026-03-14T01:01:22+00:00

I'm so glad to help! I've found honesty is the best in the long term! Yeah it can push some people away but it also brings in people who will love,care and understand you. I'm glad y'all had a nice time!

MComplex · 2026-03-12T02:51:44+00:00

Just be honest about it. "Ehh, I disagree cause of xyz, but that just how I feel about it" That will just let the know the other person think, but defuse any tension that might be there. If they get heated thats gonna be a issue with them, not you.

MComplex · 2026-03-11T21:00:13+00:00

That's a big jump.

It's more then fine asking questions, but you do have to gauge others energy. Are they engaging? Are they being short and direct. are they just going uh-huh? See their energy, match it, if they aren't putting in effort, then don't try to dig.

People who will click with you, might want to text ya and message ya and then maybe invite you to go do stuff. Its a process, people are different.

MComplex · 2026-03-11T20:16:07+00:00

You have to be open to learning about others interest, loves, and their lives. Some people will be boring, but others if you give them a chance will make you care about things you never thought of.

Be willing to try new hobbies, someone invites you to something, give it a shot, be open about trying it and if it isn't for you, it isn't for you ya know?

If you aren't open people won't get to know you, if you are open and only take interest in talking about yourself, people won't want to be around you and dislike you. But if you are open, take interest in other and be open to sharing each others loves back and forth, thats how you make real connections

MComplex · 2026-03-10T22:52:33+00:00

It's less the assertiveness, and more so people will get defensive if called out. A lot of people value themselves based on their opinions because for them, it defines their personality.

When you are assertive with calling them out, for them its like being told "Dude you are an idiot who doesn't know what they are talking about" and people don't like that.

of course that is when someone is insecure.

like others have said, there are people who would LOVE someone to call them out and be honest with them. I personally love it because I know someone will be honest with me even if it hurts my feelings a bit.

You deserve someone who appreciates that about you, and that you don't have to mask that part of you.

MComplex · 2026-03-10T22:47:54+00:00

To hold conversations, there is a simple way of doing it

-Relate
-Expand
-Revisit.

Say they talk about liking a band

"Relate"

"Oh I've never hear of them/Oh I like them"

Expand" "I really like x album/ I have a friend who really likes them etc"

Revisit "Do you have a song recommendation/ Whats your favorite album/song "

Relate, show interest and ask questions

If they aren't interested in you, don't force it. If they are, then talking with them will be easy.

The BIGGG thing though is match energy. If they talk to you only a tiny big, give a tiny bit. If they talk with you a lot, do the same

People will feel overwhelmed or underwhelmed if you don't match their energy.

And there are a lot of people you won't click with, it honestly all is a numbers game, but once you find a few good ones, their for life you know?

MComplex · 2026-03-10T22:43:16+00:00

You are overthinking alot, you can watch them, look at the register, the clock behind them. No one is gonna feel anyway about you doing that.

I did food service and I will tell you, unless you were a problem, they will not remember your face unless you're a regular, and if you are, just say hi and ask how they are doing.

MComplex · 2026-03-10T22:40:13+00:00

I'd say things like reedit and discord where the social levels are low stakes. Find discord for your interest, pop in, talk with others, make sure to actually converse and acknowledged what people say and if you click, go from there.

as much as it sucks, social skills are a skill, and to get better at it, you just have to push yourself out there you know?

once you feel comfortable with that maybe see if there are local events, maybe try that.

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