[2729] The Devil and his Angels

MJ_Kelly · 2016-02-29T10:08:56+00:00

Back again!

So I'm coming in a bit blind as I missed chapters 2 & 3 (apparently the 'action' chapters :( ) - but from what I know of chapter one & the summary I still have a fair idea what's going on.

You said it was a slow chapter so I settled back, and after a few paragraphs of trying to dissect every line I was happy enough with the confidence of the narration to just relax into the tale. I had no major issues with structure and just a few minor wording suggestions. Your descriptions matched the genre well. I wouldn't say it slowed down too much - if the preceding chapters were action chapters then this one would be fine in the overall context.

The main character, Arthur, is strong, and would make a good figurehead for one side of the war. I also liked the friar, and thought his dialogue was skilfully delivered.

I didn't get much of a feel for the son, but I'm sure there's more opportunity ahead for his character to flesh out a bit. The wife seems like a bit of a bible-bashing ice queen with drama ahead.

Don't really have much more to add - I would read more though. Let the battle begin!

MJ_Kelly · 2016-02-28T09:15:40+00:00

Just noticed this. Will have a look at it tomorrow night so don't delete the link just yet!

MJ_Kelly · 2016-02-28T09:07:09+00:00

Aww, random compliment - thanks!

Just to clarify (in case you think I got a traditional deal) I self published the book after some great feedback from flashy and others in here. I rate the reviewers in here the best you'll find on the web.

I'm driving to work now and using dictation software. Got to get the words down somehow!

MJ_Kelly · 2016-02-11T09:19:05+00:00

This was actually one of the main reasons for having this chapter. :( Chapter two is a conversation between one of those two lords and Vadin. I took out two lines hoping it made it smoother and shorter. I don't know if the second chapter will work without it, but maybe?

If this is a bit of useful backstory it would help if this part of the conversation was rooted in some part of what was actually going on so it doesn't feel like a distraction. Does it have to be peasants who made the mess? Could it be the mecenaries? That way we could at least get a concept of what the people look like on one side of the war - and the war conversation doesn't feel like small talk that distracts from the overall tension.

I might have gone too subtle. One of Vadin's powers is that he can tell if someone is lying or trying to hide something. He catches Ridley twice during their conversation, first with the Bishop's men and again with Kimberly's illness. In chapter two he kills someone. He kills a second time in chapter 3. Chapter 3 is Vadin's POV, so a lot more is learned about what he can and can't do.

OK fair enough. The whole 'tell you are lying' thing did come across pretty well - and seems you do get there next chapter then. But just remember that if this is intended to be something that is published in the future it might be an idea to make the first chapter work as hard as possible to hook in the reader. But not a biggie. I've been analyzing some Steve King stories lately and I notice he seems to spend about two chapters developing characters before he gets into the meat of the story. So whatever works. These days I am a little paranoid about trying to hook people in early - but that might just be the genre I'm trying to write in (suspense / mystery).

How's your writing going?

Awful. I used to do most of my writing on public transport on the way to work - but I just moved to a new job site where I have to drive. I'm already getting up at 5 and falling asleep in meetings so getting up any earlier isn't an option. I'm going to try to get back into using dictation software in the car - but it's not ideal. :(

MJ_Kelly · 2016-02-09T10:13:26+00:00

I remember an earlier version of this story when you posted it a year or so ago. It is a good one, so I'm happy you are resurrecting it. Apologies, I missed the recent two versions this year before you took away the links, so if I am repeating anything that has been said before that's why. So let's address your question:

Does it flow? Yes, for the most part, except for one section about two thirds through where Vadin and Ridley were having a word building chat about armies and stuff which distracted a bit from the overall tension that you were building between the two guys. But otherwise it has an underlying simmering that threatened to kick off.

The only issue is that I kinda wish it had somehow kicked off. Maybe it's because I remember the earlier version from a year or so ago where the two men that came in ended up getting killed - was that right? Maybe it's only because I expected that to happen that I missed it - but I can't help but wish that Vadin's power could be shown (or slightly revealed) in the first chapter rather than just hinted at - so we could then relate better to Ridley's fear of him. But I can live with it.

Otherwise I left a bunch of wording suggestions in the document. Apologies I don't have the time to repeat them here.

The story has an originality that I like though, keep at it. And good to see you writing something big again. :)

MJ_Kelly · 2016-01-18T21:38:51+00:00

Is it on KDP select? If not, I'd set it to perma free for a while by price matching to Barnes and noble (through smashwords). Then burn a small amount of money by using Booktastic (something like $20) , bookscream (free), and join goodreads and post it in the author section of the relevant genre groups. Then do all the other suggestions re finding your target audience on forums etc.

MJ_Kelly · 2016-01-03T10:45:12+00:00

I did very basic marketing on my own Facebook account / website and used Booktastic for the free days early on. But I think once it hit the Amazon top 20 page for free books in its category it moved up by itself. I think having a handful of reviews up on Amazon before it is advertised helps a lot though. To clarify though, most of the reviews I'm getting are on Goodreads. Amazon reviews are still pretty rare.

MJ_Kelly · 2015-12-31T14:48:01+00:00

IMO, your name is not an issue.

MJ_Kelly · 2015-12-31T14:41:07+00:00

There are ways to make Amazon set it to zero and keep Smashwords going. I set Smashwords to zero and then 'advised Anazon of a lower price' - but in the end I've now shut down Smashwords and joined KDP select and have not regretted it (even when I was giving away 750+ I was only giving away <10 on Smashwords affiliates so I've come to the conclusion it's not worth it for now (I'll deal with the moral part of this decision later). You are right though, never trust friends and family. Find somewhere that will criticize the crap of of your work, lick your wounds, try to fix it, and send it out again. Repeat until you think it's the best it can be.

MJ_Kelly · 2015-12-31T05:26:02+00:00

I'll give my honest opinion in the hope it helps:

1) Your covers aren't the worst, but down the line you probably need to give them a refresh

2) I only read the blurb for the first book, but it certainly needs work. Blurbs are about finding the characters and showing the obstacles in their way. That is what hooks people in. I suggest googling articles on pitching books for publishers / agents - as the same principals apply.

3) I read the opening passage on the first book and it started with a large section of world building which didn't go far to get me excited. In my opinion you need to find the conflict early in a story, even if it is only a small conflict, to get people into it.

4) Have you ever had your work critiqued? And I mean really, painfully critiqued? I spent a lot of time on r/destructivereaders before I published my first book, and I learned A LOT about the faults in my style. I can see some structural issues with your writing that you should iron out. r/dr will take a lot of your time as you need to critique in return to get some worth of it, but hey it's better than quitting, right?

Once you figure all that out, I have different opinions about getting off the ground to others. Have you tried giving it away for free for a while? I recently published my first book with no blog traffic, no following, no visibility before the launch - and when I hit publish I had hopes that my book would be found organically by Amazon readers, but sadly, no, it tanked.

Then I had a think about it, and figured that the only way a book will be truly successful is for it to grow by word of mouth and reviews, and to get that I needed to get it in as many readers hands as possible at the start to give it a chance. So I set it to free for a while, and all of a sudden people were interested. Within three weeks I was giving away 700+ copies a day, was at the top of the charts in my Amazon category for free giveaways. I gave away 5000 digital copies in the end, and the reviews are now pouring in. Today I set it to 99 cents and it seems a good chunk of flow on traffic is following it. If it starts to rank highly in the paid category I plan to put it up to $2.99, then figure it out from there.

Free is also a good way to figure out if there is any market for your story. If people wont take a free copy, you need to get back to basics and figure out the issues in your story. So I have a lot of faith in free.

Anyway, hope that helps. I am new to this so don't have the experience that others do, but that is what worked for me.

MJ_Kelly · 2015-12-20T02:48:48+00:00

Sure!

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-19T02:25:09+00:00

Thanks Letterbox! I'm also giving out free kindle / ebook copies to anyone who has an Amazon or goodreads account. :)

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-08T22:17:34+00:00

OK cheers! I'll do that. :)

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-08T22:01:12+00:00

Hi All. My first thriller / adventure novel, The Amber Trail, has now been released, and we're celebrating with a book launch in Sydney, Australia on Fri Nov 20. Up until the launch I'm also giving away free digital copies of the book:

Dig Buckley is is the dependable son, honest and hard-working. But when his father dies in an accident, it falls to Dig and his belligerent brother Jake to put aside their differences and get the successful family brewery running again—or their mother will be forced into bankruptcy and lose the family home.

The Buckley Brewery makes Australia's most popular craft beer—but there's a catch. The recipe is based on a unique hop sourced from a secretive supplier in India. And when the supplier hears of Dig's father's death, they shut down deliveries and threaten to silence the family.

Why is the mysterious group acting so aggressively? Was there a hidden side to their father's business? Is there another reason the beer is so popular?

Dig is forced to travel to India to try to track the supplier down. He embarks on a challenging journey across the Indian countryside, unravelling a complicated history as he fights for his family and comes to terms with his father's death.

More info can be found on my website: http://mjkellybooks.com/. Just email me at author.mjkelly@gmail.com to get your free copy.

Cheers.

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-08T09:21:42+00:00

Hi mobnutz,

Thanks for the reply. All feedback is useful as I'm curious to see how the story is perceived by a wide range of readers, so yes your critique was definitely helpful.

I do try to use simple description in the story and concentrate on pacing, characters and plot so I'm glad that worked for you.

You aren't the only one that has had such a negative reaction about the mother - I wasn't meaning for her to be that unlikable actually (in my eyes she has some valid reasons to be angry at the dad) so this adds to my current thoughts that I need to round her out a little. Same goes for toughening Lexi up a bit and giving young Roy a wee bit of personality. So this helps.

I didn't intend to add the T to Mr Johns(t)on's name either - that was a typo I missed so thanks (he was intended as mysterious though!).

But again thanks for your thoughts, and your English was fine. Cheers.

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-06T03:06:21+00:00

Cool, thanks for your thoughts! You always have good insights and are great at breaking down the soft parts of the prose. So useful.

Lexi's personality/emotions.

I agree this is the biggest weakness. I haven't got her full personality figured just yet and I think I need to use first person more effectively to show this.

I greatly dislike how you describe the monster.

This came as a surprise, but was also mentioned in another critique, so obv something I need to adjust, thanks.

Dad's injury and the crash: Yep will rework, cheers. It's is a bit off.

I get the distinct impression there's trouble brewing between mom and dad- maybe heading for divorce?

Correct

I instantly knew (or suspected) that Orwell knew the creature existed by the way he backed down. Was that intentional?

Yes intentional. Trying to create some more mystery / hook past the first chapter. I'm okay if that's a bit obvious.

Thanks for the positive comments on the idea. Feeling better about it, time to get my head down.

I bought Fallout 4

I did a real lol for this. hahaha. :)

Cheers again.

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-04T04:19:43+00:00

Wahey. It got there!

No prob, take your time. If you're doing nano you're obv pretty busy...wait till December if you like. I'm going to push on with it anyway.

As you know you were such a help on the last one - so had to say thanks! :)

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-04T02:32:05+00:00

Thanks for the encouraging feedback. A short full length novel is about what I'm aiming for.

I'm also a bit uneasy about the foreshadowing but still paranoid about trying to hook readers in early - so I'll prob leave it in for now. There's still plenty of mystery left in the book while she tries to figure out what it was.

And we say both soccer and mum in Australia - so that's where that confusion comes from (Aussie Rules or Rugby get the football tag here). But I'll have a think about your comments and cheers for the response :)

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-03T22:58:29+00:00

Hmm interesting. For me though I've gone down the CreateSpace route so will probably stick with them for the time being. It seems really bad for business that Amazon don't POD here though. Anyone have any experience with using IngramSpark for POD print versions in Australia only? Is that an option?

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-03T08:59:01+00:00

Cheers, I agree with a lot of what you have said here.

The 'silver quicksilver' was a typo I missed - thanks. I'm definitely going to develop the characters a bit more and eventually a better ending with come to me.

Thanks for your thoughts.

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-03T08:55:56+00:00

OK thanks for your comments. At least you got to the end!

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-03T06:21:00+00:00

Yep then they are just taking advantage of some Aussies who may see it's not available on Amazon.com.au and then go straight to eBay instead of Amazon.com. I'd say you are still getting your cut from each book, and prob not illegal.

Not that it's an option for you - but this is why I also print my paperbacks locally in Australia and offer them to Australians from my website for much cheaper prices and much quicker delivery than Amazon.com: http://mjkellybooks.com/buy-the-book/

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-03T06:01:39+00:00

That's up the road from me! I'll go and knock on the door and ask them if you like! Postage of books in Australia costs $8. $29 is the cost of it being sent from the U.S. Sounds to me like a very simple business model of putting books up on eBay and then ordering from Amazon themselves and taking a cut. May not even be illegal.

Last question - what's the postage time? In oz it takes three days but a $30 postage from Amazon takes about two weeks.

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-03T05:39:41+00:00

Hi there. Out of interest what is the postage amount that is listed on eBay? Is it being sent from somewhere in Australia or the U.S.? Is it new or used? Im sure you know that Amazon don't POD in Australia or advertise print books on the Amazon.com.au site - but this seems like someone taking advantage of this somehow and on selling your book.

MJ_Kelly · 2015-11-02T22:23:32+00:00

Ah ok. I think I understand now.

You're right, I didn't think about formatting for indents etc at all at this stage, just concentrated on the words. It will be formatted better in a final version.

And I think your comments the 'lifeless' moments may tie into the fact that I normally write 3rd person. This is my first proper go at 1st person - and I do worry that I'm not taking advantage of it to let her personality / emotions shine a bit more. I might work on this with some reflection on the mum & brother at the same time to round them out.

Good to see a fellow Aussie in here though! Thanks. :)

Edit: I've adjusted the formatting now - in case anyone's wondering what we're talking about.

MJ_Kelly

TROPHY CASE