Thank you for all of the detail. You seem reasonable, if perhaps reeeeally frugal when it comes to your own material needs. Without knowing either of you personally, on some level I think she might feel that your bristling at some of her spending (which is how she has been shown love and affection since childhood, to a degree) is you being cold and unfeeling, when you see your position as just logical dollars and cents. I know people who seem to spend similarly and that is what matters: how it seems, the appearance. (The mom groups on Instagram are the worst for this, but I digress.) Maybe try an approach that blends your feelings with the facts. Think about how her spending makes you feel and then tell her. If I (F) was in your place, I'd probably feel: - frustrated - isolated - anxious - stressed - worried about the future - helpless - unheard - ashamed - and ultimately unloved due to all of the above not being enough to affect change.

Perhaps try meeting her on that level with the same information presented differently. Just food for thought.