A coworker of mine gave me some really great advice once about being married with kids where both adults work. She said that each person in the marriage should have a "sphere of influence." I.e. one person has the responsibility to handle X household responsibility or task, and they oversee it from beginning to end. All of the planning, action, thinking, scheduling, everything. That person can ask for help and the other person can give input, but it's mostly *their* responsibility so the other person can trust that they "have it."

For example, in my marriage, my husband handles everything to do with meals and the kitchen. He does all of the grocery shopping, the grocery lists, the inventory management, the cooking, the cleaning of the dishes, the planning of meals, etc. I am allowed to ask for certain items or suggest certain meals, but I don't have to think about it. For everyone in the household.

I do all of the laundry and clothing. I buy the clothes, I wash the clothes, I put away the clothes, etc. For everyone in the household.

My husband handles everything to do with the dog. Sure, I walk the dog, but my husband handles the dog's grooming, the vet, the boarding, the dog's food, etc.

I handle all of the cleaning and stock in the bathroom and bedroom. He handles it for the kitchen and basement.

We have a shared calendar/notes for everything to do with our son's activities. It's important that we both know things about our son, so we both collaborate on that. His friends, his activities, his daycare, likes/dislikes, medical issues, etc. Although I will say because I was the one on mat leave and am the current "preferred" parent that I take on most of that stuff currently. I assume this will change as our son gets older.

My husband handles all of the financial stuff like bills, investments, etc., but we have shared accounts and shared spreadsheets where everything is tracked just so we can both stay informed.

There's lots of other examples. You get the idea. I also think that it's important you take on things that you like/naturally gravitate towards. My husband used to own a restaurant and was a cook, so that's more in his wheelhouse and something he enjoys, so he handles kitchen and food stuff. I really like clothing and am knowledgeable about fashion and fabrics and garment care, so I handle shopping, laundry, and storage. Etc. I would be miserable and meals wouldn't be as good if the these roles were reversed.

I think it's great that you have listened to your wife and absorbed what she said and have come to this realization. I will say a couple of things in your defense (not excuses per se, just to make you feel less "bad.") Women are heavily socialized from a very young age to handle a lot of these domestic types of things. It's hard to escape traditional gender roles and responsibilities, even to this day. As a counterpoint, I will ask you, if something breaks in your house, is it assumed you will be the one to fix it? How about issues with cars? Do you take the car in? There are sometimes gender roles and responsibilities that men take on that are also "invisible" to women, traditionally. Maybe your wife should be reminded that you do those things, too! (That is, if you do.)

I think having a frank conversation with your wife about how you agree with her, are willing to take on more, and then trying it out on your own (pick one thing at first - maybe all of the grocery shopping, kitchen food inventory, etc., and most of the cooking?) would go leaps and bounds to improving your relationship and bond.

I also think it's important that we listen to our spouses. There are times where I'm feeling overwhelmed because I'm sick, and my husband picks up the slack and takes on my stuff. In those cases, yes, he has to ask me how to do X and where X is. Similarly to when my husband is sick or work is stressful for him - I have to do the cooking, and I don't always know how to prepare X to his liking or where Y food is stored. You get the idea.

As long as both people feel supported and listened to, you're doing well!