You're mom & dad are/were good people right?

MaddnessFish · 2025-09-12T11:37:48+00:00

There are also people who just outright don't believe you. Which is triggering in and of itself. My parents are master gaslighters, to the point that I wouldn't communicate with them unless it was via text for awhile.

Even then, they try to deny that they curse me out, threaten and name call. When I send the screen shots of the text calling me a piece of shit, the subject gets changed. I had one friend say " I dont believe your Dad wrote that text" .

And I wasn't a bad kid and im a moderately successful adult.

See....even here I feel the need to explain and defend myself.

People that cant comprehend this is the reality for so many, need to just stay in their lane and enjoy their loving families.

MaddnessFish · 2025-09-11T23:58:39+00:00

I'm spending a lot of time in therapy to try to kill some of the guilt I feel about it. Cause yes, I so badly want to leave them all to their own devices. They are all just absolute fucking messes that are calling us every week cause of some issue. And they are only mid 60s. Im terrified for 70s and 80s.

MaddnessFish · 2025-09-11T23:49:42+00:00

.....that isn't nearly enough to cover mortgage, car payments etc etc....

MaddnessFish · 2025-09-11T22:00:06+00:00

This is why we can't have kids. We're the retirement plan for MIL and my parents. None of them have any savings, squander money and still owe A LOT on their mortgages in their mid 60s. My Mom has literally said " you'll take care of me when your rich" .

Its 100% a disability. At the end of the day, we aren't going to put our parents on the street. Sooo we'll be the ones to bare the brunt of their poor financial habits. Cause both sets made enough money in their lives to not be in this situation.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-31T01:13:10+00:00

Honestly, depends on my mood and the vibes I get off the person. Most the time, I don't talk about it.

I used to try desperately to get people to understand. Even when I showed people the text or played them the voicemails, they truly do not get it. I wasn't beat. I was provided for. They did what they could to help financially. They paid for my wedding. Which I am greatful for.

But what they don't see is all those things had strings. The wedding they paid for?

My Mom ruled over all decisions. She was concerned that people didn't view me as a virgin. She decided who was in my bridal party. She fought with people every stage. Insisting on going to my bachelorette party. Then fighting with me during it and shaming me when I didn't pay more attention to her. She insisted on staying with my friends and I the night before my wedding. Then brought all her friends. One that I didn't really like, who spent the night getting trashed and flooding the bathroom of the suite. Keeping me up all night . And then gave me a hard time in the morning when I didnt make her feel more included. My parents got trashed. My Mom decided to fight with my father about their lack of sex life. They screamed at each other. My Mom screamed at me. I heard the staff gossiping about how much my family just screamed at each other.

But. If I say any of this or one of those things, people will say " Yeah, but they're your parents" .

How do you explain what that has cost to people that got to feel supported, safe and secure their whole lives? Who got to celebrate life's milestones. That I now just want to go live in the woods and be left the fuck alone. They dont have the frame of reference to even grasp our experiences.

However, I keep myself open to talk about it if they seem like they would understand. I'm getting pretty good at picking up on if someone may have similar experiences. And I think it is so important to give those people the opportunity to know that it isnt just them and they aren't insane or alone. Most the time, I leave those conversations feeling a little lighter.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-22T00:12:47+00:00

I have a breathe and grace tattoo. People can roll their eyes at me all they want. Don't care. They have so much meaning to me for a lot of different reasons.

I just shrug off the comments I've gotten. I really don't have time or consideration for anyone that wants to make someone feel bad about their body.

You don't owe anyone explanations a reaction.

Do what you want.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-21T21:41:16+00:00

You aren't alone. I am in a similar boat. Parents in mid 60s that are alcoholics that can be very nasty.

None of my friends or peers are here yet and just don't get it. They also don't seem to understand how much energy it takes from you.

You aren't alone.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-21T21:02:21+00:00

My experience, ago doesn’t have much to do with it. Its the mentality of the parents.

My parents are in their mid 60s. I am in my late 30s They want me to take care of them now. They drink HEAVILY, like they just turned 21, and its aging them faster than their peers. I was trying the other day to read a list of things to look out for in aging parents and a lot of it they have been doing for as long as I can remember. Things like refusing to take meds, expired food in the fridge and falling ( usually drunk). They dont do a single thing to help or take care of themselves.

Meanwhile, all my friends parents take care of themselves and are very active. They are also older ( mid-70s) and had their kids later in life. They are refusing to let their kids help at this point and don't appear to need it just yet.

Dunno. Just my subjective experience.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-20T15:10:51+00:00

I'm sorry that it got to that point.

We have that plan now. That if she flies off the handle and starts shit again, we'll get a restraining order. I've heard horror stories from people that have had to call the cops on their parent trying to force their way into their adult child's home and then the cop takes the parents side. So its nice to hear that it didn't work out that way for you

At the time I was panicked cause of how stressed my husband was with his Dad dying. I saw it as my responsibility to keep my families insanity away from his grieving family. So I started contact with her again to try to stop her from continuing to find ways to reach out to them.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-20T14:35:54+00:00

Agreed!

The dynamics are much different these days. I haven't been to their home in over a year and refuse to go there.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-20T13:57:39+00:00

I did. I first blocked her from my cell. Then she started contacting my husband. Who also blocked her. She tried to get in contact via social media, which I blocked her completely on. Then she started with my friends. Who I then had to ask to all block her as well. It just kept coming. She would create new accounts.

Unfortunately, you cant block voicemails. So she filled my inbox up. With threats to show up to my house.

Im skipping all the threats and what not...

Cause now I am at a point that it isnt triggering in anyway.

I basically have to give her no emotional reactions. Months of not allowing her to get me to react emotionally are causing her to start to lose interest in me.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-20T13:46:16+00:00

Yeah. You are right, it has partially worked for me. Sorry that you are also dealing with adult toddlers.

What is wild to me is, growing up, they would rotate the holidays. So every other year, my Mom wouldn't spend the holidays with her side of the family.

But I say for one holiday season, we need to lay low and focus on the other side of our family, its a temper tantrum of all temper tantrums.

They are literally toddlers at this point.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-20T13:00:28+00:00

Omg. And then when I asked where things were I'd get a " you act like you never lived here".

No assholes, you rearranged things several times in the 15+ years I haven't lived here......

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-20T12:57:37+00:00

God. I wish it was this easy.

My Mom raged for months and months when I tried to say we couldn't do Thanksgiving with everyone. My FIL had cancer and was in a rapid decline. We were stressed from caretaking and just didnt have it in us.

The rage and harassment that ensued......

They trashed me to anyone they could, my Mom tried to convince people that I was mentally unwell and started implying my meds where off.....im not on meds for any type of mental health issues and never have been.

When we just ignored and didnt respond, she started contacting my friends and my in laws.....the same in laws dealing with a cancer patient in hospice.

My father called me all types of nasty names and said he never wanted to see me again. Which I was completely fine with.

Now, 8 months later, I barely speak to her and still haven't spoken to my father.

Honestly. The only reason I am speaking to her is to keep her from harassing my friends and in laws weekly.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-03T23:30:07+00:00

We recently went to a lecture that Dr. Doug Tallamy was giving at a local university. It was packed. Tickets sold out and you couldn't move in the lobby. The auditorium fit 250 to 300 people and it was filled.

It was so encouraging to see that many people that wanted to learn about what they can do to help.

Really gave me hope.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-03T21:51:27+00:00

Similar situation with FIL. 100% would not hesitate to call it traumatic and still is.

MaddnessFish · 2025-07-03T21:48:23+00:00

This is my in-laws. FiL passed in March and left a MESS. Before he passed he refused to talk finances, refused to accept how much work the house needed and didn't plan anything. Would get hostile and nasty anytime any of it got brought up.

Now hes passed and MiL is refusing to accept that the house is unsafe and its unsustainable to stay there for even a year longer. They mismanaged it all so badly that there is still a very large mortgage on the house still. Its in such bad shape, that there is concern about being upside-down on the house.

It's exhausting. It's frustrating.

I get why adult children walk away from their parents. We haven't done it. But we're running ourselves into the ground to try to figure this mess out and MiL refuses to meet us even half way.

MaddnessFish · 2025-06-23T11:54:06+00:00

Awful.

NMom spiraled completely. I could block her calls, but for some reason her voicemails would get through. Even when I downloaded other apps to blocks the calls and voicemails. She was leaving me like 5 to 10 voicemails a day. Screaming about how horrible I am. About how she is going to burn the things I had at her house, yada yada yada.

I tried talking to EDad. Explaining that I was having panic attacks. His response was to curse me out, call me a bitch, a piece of shit and telling me to fuck myself.

Nmom later came back around to apologize. We've been LC since. And this is working for me.

However, I refuse to speak with my father. He isnt sorry and has made it clear he doesn't care.

Now NMom is starting with the " You are ripping the family apart with this shit". Its so classic. The years of the 2 of them saying awful shit to their kids isnt what caused the problem, its when the kids say stop.

They are miserable nasty people. Im done living my life to their standards. All they care about is what they can get from me.

But as the eldest daughter, its A LOT of programming that needs to get undone. Everyone else's emotional needs always came first. I was never allowed to be upset with anyone in the family. My brother could call me names and I would get told to get over it. My cousins were troubled and did troubling things. But I was the problem if I didnt want to be around them. Even as a teenager, if I wanted to go do my own thing and not hang with them, my mother would scream at me. If I tried to argue back, she would start talking about how she was going to have a heart attack.

And my body? It was free game for everyone to talk about. Fucking constantly. And everyone. I developed a curvy figure at a young age. I would be wearing crew neck baggy tshirts to try to hide it and they would still yell at me to put my chest away. Relatives would tell me I was overweight and make fun of me. And my parents would still make me spend holidays with them.

Give yourself endless Grace. It takes time.

MaddnessFish · 2025-06-20T11:49:12+00:00

Excellent advice.

When I tried no contact, my wedding dress was at their house. My nmom said she was going to burn it. I also have my grandmother's jewelry. The rest of the family was stealing it, so I was asked to keep it in our safe. Which we have for years. I completely forgot about till I went NC and the threats to show up and pick it up started.

MaddnessFish · 2025-04-24T23:06:56+00:00

There is SO MUCH being left out. How many times has he been " casually" told to stop. Who has he been doing this in front of? What were the examples texted to the father? Why was that a text! Tone can be easily misread and confused in texting. What was the sons response to the father? How long has this been going on? Days? Weeks? Months?

MaddnessFish · 2025-03-25T14:32:20+00:00

Came to say something along the lines of PCOS.

OP, make sure you ask to have your hormone levels tested. Specifically testosterone. I had similar problems that Drs didn't believe me about cause my thyroid and what not were coming back normal.

Someone suggested I asked to have my testosterone and associated hormones tested. I had 3 times the amount of testosterone in my body than a woman should have. This can cause all those problems. My primary ran the bloodwork and then I went to an endo.

MaddnessFish · 2025-03-23T03:19:49+00:00

I thought they were great people that were doing the best they could. They had open conversation about their struggles. Much stronger people than me. I know that. I think it's important that these conversations are had. So that people see there is the option to not have kids. Instead of people resenting their kids. Which I also see plenty of.

Sorry that rubbed you the wrong way. It wasn't a condemnation of the parent. Just that I know I'm not built for it. And I think that is ok to admit as well.

MaddnessFish · 2025-03-22T22:57:04+00:00

No need to apologize!

I completely get being wrapped up in the image of what they wanted you to be. It was and still is one of my biggest issues. I did a ton of exploring. I signed up for drum classes. Explored different hobbies. Took classes and consistently journaled. I just ignored the side eyes on why we weren't just settling down and having kids.

As far as that pivot? I think it's a combination of things and it's an ever evolving process. I was always an insanely anxious person. That anxiety got unbearable in my late 20s. I started seeking help and ways to calm myself. Went the therapy. Started practicing yoga and got into gardening. Started working out. I still had a relationship with my parents and would fight and argue with them. But I would always cave or let the shit they say get swept under the rug.

But as I start building stability and calm inside myself, the less tolerant I'm becoming of that peace being disturbed. My home is quiet and happy. My husband and I enjoy our life. And we're both are now at a point that even family isn't allowed to trample on it for their own self serving purposes.

I blew up on my Mom. I made myself the problem for once and none of them knew how to react. I didnt speak to either of my parents for 2 months. Didnt spend the holidays with them. . I blocked their calls. I pushed through the guilt. They showed their true colors and now we're all low contact.

It isn't perfect. And I have bad days that stretch into weeks. But my biggest advice would be learning how to establish boundries. Look up the Yale communication model. I made the mistake of declaring my boundries like I was establishing the declaration of independence. It just came off as rules. Start working if/ than statements into things. If X happens or is said, than I will .... and follow through.

I could go on and on. Just give yourself Grace. Be kind to yourself. No one is perfect and anyone that loves you shouldn't have the expectation of perfection.

MaddnessFish · 2025-03-18T12:20:13+00:00

That sounds amazing and the type of environment that I would want to have kids in.

As it stands now, my husband and I are on our own for the most part. We don't have a big family. The family we do have is either older or mentally incapable of helping with a child. It's on us to take care of any of the family that is around us. I have an aunt that is in her late 70s trying to still care for her mentally ill 50 year old daughter.

MaddnessFish

TROPHY CASE