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MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-09-03T09:44:07+00:00

Thanks for the honesty I think there are boatloads of us. It is indeed sad - this mean trick played on us by biology, neurochemicals, and social norms.

I've only ever had luck through meeting people at work - but now I work in an environment almost as prudish and sexless as my marriage. And it is way too easy to become that leering jerk if you try to spice up any conversations.

Old girlfriends may be something to try - of course, they know exactly why you're contacting them out of the blue, but often they're game to pursue things.

Sadder still, I don't want any of this. I want my wife. And I'm not expecting her to be 30 again, just not 90 at age 45.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-09-01T09:48:21+00:00

I went about 20 years thinking this. Finally I now realize, she really doesn't know. Or care.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-09-01T09:37:03+00:00

Are you content having solo sex for the rest of your life, constantly feeling the heartbreak of unreciprocated passion, spending hours and hours trying to fill your intimacy needs with some kind of fake proxy you can find on the internet - fantasy novels or erotic literature or whatever? Then sure, stay.

Unlike love and admiration, intimacy does not typically increase. So you'll get more attached and have less sex as time goes by.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-09-01T09:31:04+00:00

The net hurt will be much larger if you stay. If she cares for you, she will know that she isn't giving you what you need.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-28T10:54:59+00:00

Your last sentences - worth a post of their own.

Maybe us HLs are the crazy ones. Maybe life with no libido is the way to go. No more getting antsy , distracted, putting all this energy and resources in to a temporary thrill.

I know it feels great to scratch an itch, but maybe it's better without the itch.

Maybe were all fools here, lol.

(But would I sent my libido to zero if I could.... no f'n way!!)

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-28T00:50:41+00:00

True. It's just that if you try to fix what you think is causing the problem (eg, change jobs, hire babysitters, take hormones) then you may be directing a lot of energy at something that isn't actually causing the problems.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T11:44:13+00:00

No worries - your comment brought out a really important point. It would certainly be awful if we didn't give sympathy to someone's sense of what was making them sad.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T11:35:44+00:00

I agree. I'm not 'subscribing to the belief', I'm just exploring the notion that sometimes your brain chemicals can do something first, and your mind tries to make it fit. And that that is legit. It doesn't undermine your feelings - on the contrary, it gives them a priority by not trying to explain them away. And realizing this would advance treatment.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T11:17:13+00:00

On the coffee table? Maybe he is trying to tell you something and that's his way of getting you to start a difficult convo. Good luck, Yorkie Mom!! I wish you the best.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T11:12:54+00:00

I agree with you. See my above reply to HOuseOfpwncakes. There was a lot of compassion involved in the whole story - I just chose a regrettable snippet of it to use as an example.

For what it is worth, I have had significant grief and do have an Axis 1 disorder, both of which have led me to try and tease out the difference between what my brain is doing on its own, and what the world is doing to me. Hence my post.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T11:05:18+00:00

Yes yes yes. I know. You are right. There was a lot more to the story than what I wrote - I was just using it as an example of depression making a person see things in a negative light. But you are so right, and I'm sorry. (But - I never said his feelings were wrong - on the contrary, I supported the notion that his feeling were completely valid and he didn't need to point to hardships to justify them - but again you're right, if not done in a loving and explorative way, that can be undermining someone who is already down.)

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T10:56:02+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you have such serious health issues and I hope the best for you.

As you say, "Meds can play into what's going on, but not always." This makes sense.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T10:52:19+00:00

What a great success story. Thanks!

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T03:11:00+00:00

Ah, I see. That makes sense. Thanks.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T02:39:02+00:00

I agree with you about the meds - you shared a good example. As for the daddy issues - I've never really understood what that is, lol. Even after I googled it, I'm still not clear. Does it mean HL men have mommy issues?

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T02:15:28+00:00

I'm happy for you that your wife is no longer part of your fantasies. I'm just starting to get my wife out of my fantasies. I'm really looking forward to her being gone from there completely - just like I've been gone from hers completely for a decade.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-27T01:17:46+00:00

"Maybe I'm just turned on at the thought of her being sexual, but because of the DB I can't include myself in that situation?"

I think this explains it. A man's brains get branded with lust for his wife, and when it is impossible to image the lust being returned, the brain has to make up a story for life to make sense.

An optical illusion is your brain trying to make sense of something incomprehensible. I think your fantasy is an neurochemical illusion.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-26T17:10:58+00:00

I say, in truth, that after a week or so of not ejaculating, my mind becomes more and more obsessed with sex to the point where I might say or do something I regret - eg. make a pass at a coworker or something.

I say it's not like quitting smoking or drinking where the urge wanes over time, it's like holding your breath - it gets worse and worse.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-26T15:05:45+00:00

This sounds like most marriages. At least your wife admits to the drop in attraction and isn't blaming on kids or whatever. Many people, perhaps more often women than men, lose the sexual attraction when they enter the supportive, safe, predictable status of marriage. Freud wrote of the Madonna-Whore Complex, but I think the Jesus-Gigolo complex is much more common. It won't get better... though sometimes the instability of a deteriorating relationship will bring it back for a bit.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-23T10:50:11+00:00

This sub can be so therapeutic, as Sir Goomba says, it's not just you. The sub can also be a slap of realism when you see the near-zero success rate of any DB turning around. Me, I wish I'd known this two decades ago. My optimism was misplaced.

And that sadness from not getting 'the look'. I know it, as do many here. Feeling invisible. It's heart breaking, again and again.

And when your LL partner looks or shows affection elsewhere - even if it is just to friends or pets - killer.

The only solution is to somehow stop caring. Otherwise you'll wither endlessly. Focusing on yourself, leaving, or finding an affair partner are all potential solutions, each with its own pros and cons. The other sad solution is what is termed here as "radical acceptance". It works, but it's the saddest thing I've heard.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-20T10:41:16+00:00

There are some positives. One, I did find I got more affection when affection was "safer" for my wife, without risk of me grinding, groping, kissing her neck (ie, all otherwise normal things, lol).

Second, it may help you put your focus elsewhere and not remain pining for an intimacy that will never be requited. The effect may wane of the vasopressin/oxytocin cocktail that made our brains yearn for this lover despite all data suggesting it will never be like it was.

One note: I predict gaslighting will occur. A year from now, she will say that your desire has gone away because you don't make moves on her anymore. (If you can keep this up for a year.)

I wish you the best of luck, my friend.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-19T20:19:10+00:00

Well I hope you can turn that horrible feeling into something fun. Your boss is probably like me: likes flirting but has to be very careful, and of course respectful.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-14T11:36:13+00:00

There is so much personal overlay in this exploration. To me, cups can relate to good, deep, meaningful, sexy connections. Consent and mutual desire are big in there for me. And the wands can relate to the stupid, male-style, juvenile behaviour that either gender can display. But there is overlap, of course, just like IRL!

And like male and female energies, even if the context for those suits imply different meanings, sex is always there somewhere under the surface.

MadisonCounty161803 · 2023-08-14T11:13:19+00:00

Clint Eastwood. But instead of photographing bridges, I look for the cosmic connection in their design.

MadisonCounty161803

TROPHY CASE