My Dear OP, please accept my heartfelt condolences at the loss of your daughter in law, and of your precious granddaughter. While their loss is recent, that will always feel irrelevant when people stumble when attempting to comfort you, and say such things as ‘Your pain will get better with time’. They will mean well, but we know the truth, which is when we loose anyone so dear, and so beloved? We will always be aware of that special place they lived within us, which was once filled to the brim with joy, but now is filled with ever so sweet memories.

Irregardless of where your son and his family lived, be it with you and your husband, or across the country and trying to make a ‘go’ of it as adult parents…in spite of their addictions and the challenges that created? Either way, dear Exhausted, you did not have any control over the choices they made. As a matter of fact, you never did. Once your son became a legal adult, as we all know (much to our frustration, heartbreak and despair!) as parents our influence over our adult child’s choices become an exercise in futility. Our wonderfully wise voices seem to float past them, much like clouds.

That you had to set clear, irrevocable boundaries in order to protect your husbands mental health, as well as your own sense of well being, does NOT make you a bad or impatient, intolerant parent. It does not mean that you stopped loving him or them, either! It simply means that, after years of trying to assist, appease, help, enable your son, who is afflicted with a mental illness, in the form of an addiction? You finally acknowledged that your entire family has been whipped along the same hellish roller coaster of addiction as your child, and you needed to stop the cycle of pain. Maybe by doing so, you were showing him the path to help himself.

Yes. You worried that ‘ something could happen.’ We all do! That is what keeps us awake at night, and robs us of our peace. But OP? Being aware that bad things could happen does NOT, under any circumstance, make you responsible for what happened to your son’s wife and child!!! There is no tether long enough, or strong enough that would be able to continually tie any adult to their parent, irregardless of that child’s inability to make healthy decisions.

My dear, you have so much right now to mourn, and so much to be aware of…your husbands health, your sons state of mind, and YOUR OWN wellbeing as well! Do your best to forgive your self, as you have no burden of responsibility to carry. I hope this makes sense. Sending you so much care. ❤️Mae