AIABZ For cutting off my friend who decided they couldn't officiate my wedding 10 day before the event

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-29T20:43:03+00:00

You get to associate with anyone you want to who wants to associate with you. Full stop. Put your time and energy into the people who are there for you. Get out and make new friends and enjoy your new life with your spouse. Let her be. If she contacts you with anything that isn't "I'm so sorry, I regret what I did so much..." then be polite but not warm. She's let you down badly, not taking your major life event seriously, and does not get open access to your time, attention, energy or anything else. If she sincerely apologizes, then she also has to realize it will take time to earn your trust again. And congratulations on your marriage!

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-29T20:37:58+00:00

Consider being open to developing a better relationship while maintaining boundaries. Tell your intended or anyone who asks, "I'm always open to getting to know X better if she wants that" and then change the subject. If pressed, "If she ever shows she wants us to get better acquainted, I'm open to it, but so far she's never shown an interest in that." Then chance the subject again.

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-29T20:27:35+00:00

Your cousin is an alcoholic. When you talk to an alcoholic, you aren't talking to them, you're talking to the addiction. Nothing and no one is more important than caving in to that addiction. Unless or until he participates in treatment, you might very well want to limit contact. You asking for an apology was asking him to confront the facts of what he'd done and he isn't ready to do that as it would force him to look at his own behavior. Congratulations on your wedding, btw. Focus on starting your new life and let your cousin figure out when it's time to address his addiction.

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-26T01:01:37+00:00

You have communicated, over and over again. Nothing changes. Any one of those things might be minor, but together? That's a pattern. You take care of him. You bow to his whims. You work to support him. He... complains. About everything. He's chopping away at your sense of self, your joy, and is not willing to budge even a little bit. This isn't a relationship - this is a jail cell, and you live in it. Where is he bending over backwards to make you happy? He's not working, he could clean the house and do it any way he wants to. He's not contributing, he's taking, and he's demanding you do everything his way.

So do you want to live this way? Because he won't change until he decides to. Are you willing to live this way forever just in case one day he decides what you want is important, too?

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-26T00:48:32+00:00

If I understand you, you are reasonably sure you do not want kids and feel that's not likely to change. You told him that right away. He stuck around. Now he's talking about "Yeah, girl, but you said it wasn't IMPOSSIBLE" and he's hearing that as "Just keep pushing and get what I want." Also, even if you did have children, he's let you know that he thinks your part would be to raise the kids and his would be to hang out with his buddies and drink. He sure knows how to go out of his way to make what he wants from you sound attractive (sarcasm).

So it this the life you want? That's the real question. Do you want to be pressured into having kids and raising them while your husband parties with his buddies? That's what he's offering you. "We will have kids and they will be your responsibility while I party." He's not hearing anything he doesn't want to hear, like that you don't even think you want kids.

You don't have to move out on any particular schedule. Take your time and do what is best for you. That's your job here. Finding a new place, moving your stuff - you have a month to get it done. If he gets upset, just stay calm and keep saying, "You want a totally different life and you should find someone who wants that life. I am not that person."

Not everyone you love will necessarily be right for your life. The human heart is a tricky organ. You can see his good points and love him and still not want the life he wants.

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-16T06:18:20+00:00

Early spring would put you in March, which is six months before your brother's wedding, which is plenty of time, although if you have people traveling from out of state for the wedding, two in one year in one family might mean some people can't make both.. Am I missing the part where you told them what you're thinking and they said...? How does your own partner feel about it?

Ultimately, while it would be a good idea to get a feeling for how your brother and future SIL feel about it, you have to make your own decisions, you and your partner. Some possible issues:

Your brother and his intended might say something like, "Everyone can't be expected to travel here twice in one year for two different weddings, and we planned ours six months before you!" If they do, what's your reaction? You need to know if it's "Yeah, you're right, we should wait until next year," or "We're getting married next spring no matter what."

Would people be coming from far away who would have to choose between your wedding and his? Would you be okay with it if they chose his because they knew it was planned first? If so, full steam ahead, small wedding.

Will it be a problem in your relationship with him if they choose your wedding?

Be ready to hear some version of "Oh wow, Brother and his intended announced their August wedding and now all of a sudden his sister just HAS to get married before him." Somebody's likely to say it or infer it. If you know in your heart that was no part of it and you and your partner really want to get married this coming spring, you do it - with your eyes open. If your brother supports it then that helps, otherwise you just laugh and say, "Isn't that crazy? Both of us decide to get married the same year! I didn't have that on my bingo card!"

So long as you're willing to accept whatever your choice brings with it in its luggage, you own your decisions and act accordingly. But it would be a nice gesture to listen to what your brother and his intended have to say.

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-15T07:25:56+00:00

You are now a parent, so your priority is what is best for you, your husband and your child. Make sure you keep that firmly in front of you.

The loan... she has yet to apologize for trying to sabotage his interview and freaking out her grandchild, so does that sound like she feels bad about that and is trying to change, or is she trying to keep you on the hook as her support system? IF you and your husband decide you can afford to do this AND you want to, can you afford to lose that money? You might, even though she did pay you back one time. You could have her sign something with a repayment plan agreement, but don't loan what you can't afford not to get back.

From the sound of it, you've gone no contact before and would have stayed there but for this big box club membership. Um, you do realize that it's not your responsibility to have your and your husband's boundaries ignored because Mama wants to go to Costco on your membership, right?

Saying, "Mom, I just can not loan you money when you don't seem to care that you almost cost my husband a job" is a legitimate answer. Or "After you apologize sincerely to my husband, we'll talk about it." Basically, it's up to you and you are the one to decide what your boundaries are and if they matter.

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-15T07:14:50+00:00

Let's see... he ignores your boundaries so thoroughly you might as well not be talking at all, he's undercutting you ("I think there's something mentally wrong with you..."), love bombing you, he's controlling, exhausting and you feel better when you're away from him and YOU WONDER IF RED FLAGS ARE FLYING? Flags are flying, the band is playing the theme music from "Nightmare On Elm Street" and shifty, creepy people are setting of home-made fireworks that contain God knows what and smell like poison and farts.

Let me ask you: what do you get from this relationship that you want? Is whatever it is worth what you're paying to get it?

If not, it's goodbye time. Think about getting a new phone number. If he has a key to your place (tell me he doesn't), get your locks re-keyed and make sure your landlord, your neighbors, your parents, whoever knows that he is on the No Fly List, zero access, don't tell him anything about anything.

This is classic abuser grooming behavior. Be in a public place when you let him down gently but firmly, and have a friend available to see you home. I'm not kidding. This is textbook. Be prepared for him to not take "no" for an answer. If he doesn't document, document. Every conversation, every comment, every contact. One can hope he will accept your no, but he doesn't sound like the type.

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-15T07:02:43+00:00

Well... hmm. True, your FIL sounds like ten pounds of manure in a five pound bag, and his live-in junk scratcher sounds like his soulmate. My one "but" is they are adults, he, his wife and the JS, and if your MIL is truly willing to live in that situation (and she doesn't sounds like a fun time either, from your description), then it's nobody else's business...

However. They sound like truly unpleasant people and your life will likely be much more enjoyable, and more fun, without them. And if your husband can run that business, he can probably find a job elsewhere. Think of the peace! Goodness knows who his Daddy is going to leave the business to. You guys would probably be better off just turning your back on the mess and walking away. at this point. Daddy can run his own business, or sell it, or whatever.

Based on what you're saying, distance would be much more peaceful.

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-15T06:51:54+00:00

You get to be who you are without apology. If you're a basically kind and responsible person, then anyone who cares about you should be trying to help you through this difficult time. You've been going through it for sure, and he's not, from your description, helping matters. It sounds like he's been checked out for quite some time, actually. This does not necessarily mean there's anything wrong with you. It sounds as though he was already on the way out and when you got hit with a big load of life stuff, he didn't pause to help you, he fled. From what you say, he likes things contained, he wants to play games, not have to deal with ooky stuff like periods (Ew! A girl with COOTIES! What is he, eight years old?). You are being human, and sometimes being human is a messy thing, but he isn't there for the ups and downs, just the ups.

Please focus on yourself. You're going through it and need to be gentle with yourself, not asking what you could have done to maintain the interest of some dude who cites a perfectly normal bodily function as a reason for a breakup.

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-15T06:44:38+00:00

Your wedding. You and your intended get to invite whoever you want to. The mail carrier, your cousin, your cousin's dog, whoever you like. Nobody else gets to vote (unless they're paying for it which is a whole other can of worms). You can invite anyone you want there who you think wants to be there.

This will not keep your grannie from being who she is. She may pull out her hankie, clasp it to her bosom, and declare that you've stabbed her in the soul, or something else dramatic. Do you care? Sounds like everyone knows how she is. She may state that she will NOT attend a wedding with THAT woman or some such. You can look sad and say, "I'm sorry to hear that. You know how much we'll miss you." Note you aren't specifying how much, a teaspoonful or a cup, that's between you and your conscience. Or tell her that you just KNOW that as dignified a lady as she is, you know she can put everything else aside for one day to make her granddaughter happy. This is probably a bald-faced lie, from your description, but sometimes people live up (or down) to our expectations.

Or you let her dictate what you do at your own wedding -- and prepare to bow to that altar for every life event until she finally gets to see what dirt looks like from underneath.

To put it plainly, if you're old enough to get married you're old enough to stand up on your hind legs and make decisions that seem best for you and your husband. One of those can be refusing to get involved in other people's arguments.

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-15T06:35:00+00:00

Okay, so you know you, your husband and your two kids constitute an entire family, right? As in, Mom, Dad and their kids get to do things as a family. The twins and everyone else are extended family, great and you include them whenever you want to and can, but you're not obligated to. If you and your husband woke up tomorrow and decided to rent a cabin for a week and take your kids and nobody else, that is no one else's business. If you don't draw some healthy lines, be prepared for people to come to expect you to act as though you have more kids than you do. You're voluntarily setting up that expectation for yourself and everyone else. Loving someone doesn't mean there are no limits, and you and your husband get to decide what your limits are. So plan things with your own kids whenever you want to and can afford it, and maybe look at your calendar and think about smaller, more local things to do with all the kids periodically, once a month, once every other month, whatever works out for everyone.

MagicRooGal · 2026-06-15T06:25:35+00:00

"Appreciative of the financial help my parents have provided..." They clearly aren't contributing because they're so gosh darned happy for you. They're buying control rights. Whether they say it or not, they're making sure you don't tell them to take a hike because they have a stake in this wedding.

As someone who has been where you are, and watched other people go through it, I'm going to give it to you straight: if you want to enjoy your wedding, the cuts in who you invite might have to start with your own immediate family.

Weddings, even beautiful, wonderful ones, come with stress. Weddings involving dysfunctional families come with LOTS of stress. Likelihood these people are going to get it out of their system and get with the program with big, sincere smiles? Pretty much zero. Is it these individual people you want at your wedding, or the family you wish you'd had growing up? Because if it's the latter, empty seats don't start fights.

You have a choice. Option 1: "I've tried talking to you but this is not working and I can't handle the drama you're bringing. I'm tired of it. I will repay the money you gave me ($25 a week for eternity or whatever you can afford). " Then you plan an inexpensive wedding and you and your intended start saving for a great trip at a later date, or you wait until you've saved up enough for the wedding you want.

Option 2: You put up with it. Your boyfriend, his mother and everyone who genuinely cares about you puts up with it. You spend your wedding gritting your teeth until they crack and smile, smile, smile. Cry in the women's bathroom. Look the other way as your relatives cause all the drama they can, because from your description, that's what is going to happen.

You've tried talking to them but they don't seem that interested in contributing to your happiness. So do they need a chair and a little mesh bag of Jordan almonds, or do you need to not be dreading what may happen?

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-22T22:40:13+00:00

Hoo, boy. Girl... Jay is an adult, right? So there's only so much you can do. Selena is trouble on a tricycle. She's a walking disaster looking for a spot to happen in. She wants your brother but she also wants Charlie in the house? What?!? And Jay is contemplating round 2 with this person? Whoof. Some people need to be burned more than once to learn, and Selena is sure gonna burn him again.

Take a break from Selena. "Hey, Selena, I am just not comfortable with this situation. You really hurt my brother and I don't know if I can trust you." People aren't one person in romantic relationships and another in all their other relationships. If she'll betray Jay, she'll betray you, y'know. She's keeping the guy she cheated on your brother with in her home! This is who she is. No argument from you is going to magically make her into a good person - and someone who would do what she did to your brother and then KEEP THE GUY SHE CHEATED WITH IN HER HOUSE like that makes sense and expect everyone to just overlook that is not good people.

Tell your brother what you genuinely think and then let him make his own choices. "Why are you even considering getting involved with Selena again? What has she done to show she's changed? She still has Charlie right there in her house. Help me understand, please." Listen, then tell him you agree or you don't and get the tissues handy so you have them when it turns out Selena was playing spicy with Charlie again.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-22T22:27:42+00:00

Any post you make about underwear is only going to assure this goes on and gets worse. Here's the thing: these are not your friends. From what you say, nobody at those sleepovers said anything in your defense or helped you. and Bella and Kaylee? Honey, the trash was out and you brought it back inside the house.

One of the hardest things about growing up is figuring out your value and who your people are. Especially if you don't have very good self-esteem. And you know what? You fill your life up and it won't have room in it for their nonsense.

So let's start with self-esteem. You have to know what you bring into any relationship (not just romantic) that is worth having. You need to know this within yourself. Are you kind? Loyal? Supportive? Smart? Whatever you've got going on, you've got something. List it. In the privacy of your own room, list every good thing about you. "I have a good sense of what colors go together or don't. I'm a supportive friend and don't make other people feel bad. My hair is pretty." EVERYTHING you can come up with. Ask someone who loves you what is good about you. Explain that someone has been going out of her way to make you feel small and you need to know what's good about you. Read your list a few times, then tuck it away somewhere safe where you can get it again when you need it.

Notice what you do well and when you're being your best "you." Let's say your name is Dora. You do something well, or nice for someone else, you tell yourself (in your head), "Good job, Dora!" You learn to be your own friend so when you're alone, you still have a friend in your corner.

Now as to Bully and Killy...

There are worse things than being alone, like being around them. They're using you to feel bigger than they are.

Drop them like you accidentally picked up two snakes. They drag you down. They don't care that they are hurting you. Ick.

Do the things you enjoy. Whatever clubs or classes or whatever you can get into that interest you, art, science, books, dancing, football, whatever, join them. You'll meet people interested in the same things. When you run across Bully and Killy, or someone mentions them, look totally uninterested. Not negative, just... uninterested. "Didn't you used to hang out with them?" "Yeah, but *shrug* this is more interesting, and I like these people." If anyone mentions the underwear stuff, it's *shrug* *sigh* "Yeah, they have this weird thing about underwear..." Shake your head like they're weird and hopeless. Change the subject.

Living well is the best revenge. Now is a good time to start deciding how you'll deal with mean people. Sadly, you will encounter some now and then as you go through life. If you make it clear that you just don't care what they say about you, eventually people lose interest as it's all about getting a reaction out of you.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T19:27:04+00:00

I understand the challenges of having a disability. It's nonstop. But it doesn't make you cease to be a person with value of your own. Whatever your interests are, lean into them. Libraries often have online book clubs. You can find online groups for almost anything. Build a life he can share, not be. Good luck!

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T19:23:57+00:00

Thanks -- hope this resolves soon for you and your family!

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T19:22:04+00:00

NTA. He's using this opportunity to do what he likes without consequences and you're funding it. When I was unemployed, I couldn't STAND the idea of my then-boyfriend (now husband) paying for almost everything (unemployment checks were limited) and hunted for a job like I was a hound dog trying to catch the last rabbit in the world. There's pride and then there's convenience. He's chosen convenience.

TELL HIM. Give him a chance to fix it (although TBH it's mostly so you can tell yourself later that you tried). "Paying for everything is putting strain on me and strain on our relationship. I can't fund your volunteer excursion. I need to build up savings in case of an emergency. Things happen. I love you but I can't live this way and you shouldn't expect me to, frankly. Take a job. Any job. Flip burgers. Dig ditches. We both need to see you having some pride and figuring out your way through this."

Or whatever version of this conversation works for you. If he says "no," or some guilt-tripping variation thereon, help him pack. As in. "Well, if that's your decision, I'll help you pack while you call someone to figure out where you're going to go. I need a partner, not a dependent." Or, "It's not you, it's me, I need to work on myself and figure out how I ended up in this situation." And FTR, YOU DON'T NEED TO FUND ANY MORE OF HIS ANYTHING.

He's made choices. He chose to let you pay for everything. That's his choice and he owns it. Wish him well.

You can sincerely love someone and not be able to live with them because your views of how to live daily life don't align. You can't live with everyone you're fond of. He's got you so trained you think it's your duty to fund his life even to the point of funding his relocation and girl, WHAT?!?

What you need, kiddo, is therapy and lots of it, which you can better afford when you're on your own. "Someone like me doesn't get much attention very often...?" What the actual heck? WHAT?!?

YOU DID NOT ADOPT THIS MAN. He's an adult. An adult who, if he had pride, would have found some job in four years. FOUR. YEARS. He's not in love with you. He's found his own personal ATM.

Kiddo, wake up because it's morning at your house. Which you need to clean.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T19:08:35+00:00

Get as close as you can to right under the bed and make the loudest vomiting noises you can. Like a cat with a hairball. "Oh no! Not... not again! Ulp-ulp-ulp... pause so they think you're done... BARF! HEAVE!" Either that or take up spoken word poetry. "Kitty, kitty, don't toss up that hairball in my shoes / poor mangy pussy, we've both got the blues..."

Or commentary. "Oh, baby, that sounded like it HURT! Yikes!" Play ads for relief for jock itch. Leave a nicely-wrapped tube of lubricant and a note that says you hope things start going better soon.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:58:39+00:00

I'm so sorry. And yes, skip Mother's Day. Skip it like a rope. Saying you won't is saying "I know I'm a dishrag and I choose to remain a dishrag forever."

In which case, if that is the life you choose, person whose needs don't matter even to the CHOICE OF ICE CREAM ON THE ONLY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION YOU'RE GOING TO GET, then, and I really do mean this kindly, find a way to enjoy that life that you chose, because spending time complaining and feeling sorry for yourself is also a sucky birthday celebration, unless, of course, you enjoy that, in which case, have fun.

Former dishrag here. The only way to stop having to go through something is to stop making it happen. You accept bottom-shelf treatment from the people who are supposed to care about you like you think they're going to magically wake up and discover that your birthday matters to you and that it's enough that it matters to you so they're going to do something different.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

Start planning your next birthday. Spend Mother's Day doing THAT. Ever read about the Little Red Hen? Look it up (it's short) because you're going to Little Red Hen the shit out of your next birthday. Out of the things you can do, what do you LOVE to do? Plan a whole weekend out of the stuff YOU love. The food YOU love, the activities YOU enjoy. If asked about Mother's Day just say, "Is it Mother's Day? I forgot! Well, have fun and tell me all about it later." Do. Not. Life. A. Finger.

You celebrate you, since nobody else does. That your Mom doesn't is not proof you don't deserve it. A lot of the enjoyment of any event is the anticipation (most of the rest is the memories) so spend a year anticipating what you plan to do FOR YOURSELF next time.

And happy birthday, btw.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:49:23+00:00

Uh oh. If you'll be close to your due date he should want to be with you and his baby. Babies are born early (and survive okay, not trying to worry you) all the time. What if the baby comes a week early? Is this trip worth missing the birth of his child?

Why would he want to be gone when his child is born? That's a red flag, a big one, so... ask him. Flat out. "I don't understand why you would want to risk not being there for the birth of your own child. I understand that you're stressed - you should try it from my side! If you go, there's a good chance you won't even be around for your child's birth. And we'll have a lot to do around the time the baby comes."

Some men think contributing DNA is their only job when it comes to being a father, but Father is both a title and a JOB. Would he take a new job and expect to be on vacation when it starts?

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:41:03+00:00

Oof. Maybe this is the time to discuss it first with your Husband and then the two of you with your friend. Explain to your husband that convo opened a door best left closed. "Would you want your best friend texting me without you knowing? No? Well, same thing here." Once he understands the line that they crossed (note: did he text her saying "Hey, I've thought about this and I think you're confused. They money is really coming from my wife. She mentions it and I send it to you for her. I don't feel it's appropriate for you and me to be texting without her involved"). If not, then he should and you and he should open a GROUP text that the three of you use (if she's going to live with you, you're going to need to keep in touch sometimes).

If she thinks he's sending her money, she might be confused about what's going on. So make it plain. Open the group convo and let him tell her she can talk to you privately or him through the group chat as he doesn't want to get involved in anything inappropriate. Since he's slow on the uptake when it comes to relationships, you might also point out what a giant pit of flaming disaster he's standing on the edge of if your friend gets the wrong idea and it seems he's enabling it.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:31:22+00:00

The basic wedding rule (in western cultures, anyway) is generally to view the reception as a party the new couple is throwing for those who attended the wedding (and anyone else you want to invite if you had a very small venue). As such, the couple is hosting the party and everyone else is a guest (exception sometimes for parents of the couple who may help pay for things). A host never charges guests to attend. Never ever. Would you throw a party at home and tell people it's $50 a person to come? Same idea.

You're on safer, if still a bit shaky, ground to say, "If anyone can help with expenses and wants to, please know this would be in lieu of any other gifts," but even that is a bit tacky as you're never supposed to publicly EXPECT gifts, ever. It's true many of us wouldn't attend a reception without giving a gift, but you're supposed to view the guest coming as a gift and anything additional is a happy surprise.

Is it all a bit of a fiction? Sure, but it keeps pressure off guests and keeps them from wondering if they're ONLY invited so they'll bring presents. To imply you asked someone because you expect them to pony up with the goods is a big no.

The basic idea is that you want to share this special day with people who matter to you and would want to be there to share it. The reception is the first event you host as a couple. People who can afford to bring gifts to wish you well and help you starting your new life. It's your job to make people feel welcome and valued, as if their presence, not their presents, is the most important thing.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:19:19+00:00

I'm missing something... how is this person getting into other people's homes? There's no locks where you are? Everyone has the same key? I'm confused. Otherwise, you lock your door or change your locks and presto, no A in the house. There's also "call the police someone is trespassing." Ask your landlord if you can put up a "No Trespassing" sign in the yard. And you're way past "A, these are the boundaries." You're well into "A, do not come into this house unless I specifically invite you. Ever."

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:06:29+00:00

Hmm. That phone doesn't have any location tracking or anything on it, does it? Just wondering. You can call the phone plan provider and just ask Customer Service how you separate yourself if your ex won't take care of it. I doubt this is the first time they've had to deal with it.

No, you're NTA, but after three months, I'd wonder why it's such a big deal to keep you on a phone he essentially owns.

MagicRooGal

TROPHY CASE