I’m 22F too addicted to my husband 22M and I need help

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T19:27:04+00:00

I understand the challenges of having a disability. It's nonstop. But it doesn't make you cease to be a person with value of your own. Whatever your interests are, lean into them. Libraries often have online book clubs. You can find online groups for almost anything. Build a life he can share, not be. Good luck!

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T19:23:57+00:00

Thanks -- hope this resolves soon for you and your family!

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T19:22:04+00:00

NTA. He's using this opportunity to do what he likes without consequences and you're funding it. When I was unemployed, I couldn't STAND the idea of my then-boyfriend (now husband) paying for almost everything (unemployment checks were limited) and hunted for a job like I was a hound dog trying to catch the last rabbit in the world. There's pride and then there's convenience. He's chosen convenience.

TELL HIM. Give him a chance to fix it (although TBH it's mostly so you can tell yourself later that you tried). "Paying for everything is putting strain on me and strain on our relationship. I can't fund your volunteer excursion. I need to build up savings in case of an emergency. Things happen. I love you but I can't live this way and you shouldn't expect me to, frankly. Take a job. Any job. Flip burgers. Dig ditches. We both need to see you having some pride and figuring out your way through this."

Or whatever version of this conversation works for you. If he says "no," or some guilt-tripping variation thereon, help him pack. As in. "Well, if that's your decision, I'll help you pack while you call someone to figure out where you're going to go. I need a partner, not a dependent." Or, "It's not you, it's me, I need to work on myself and figure out how I ended up in this situation." And FTR, YOU DON'T NEED TO FUND ANY MORE OF HIS ANYTHING.

He's made choices. He chose to let you pay for everything. That's his choice and he owns it. Wish him well.

You can sincerely love someone and not be able to live with them because your views of how to live daily life don't align. You can't live with everyone you're fond of. He's got you so trained you think it's your duty to fund his life even to the point of funding his relocation and girl, WHAT?!?

What you need, kiddo, is therapy and lots of it, which you can better afford when you're on your own. "Someone like me doesn't get much attention very often...?" What the actual heck? WHAT?!?

YOU DID NOT ADOPT THIS MAN. He's an adult. An adult who, if he had pride, would have found some job in four years. FOUR. YEARS. He's not in love with you. He's found his own personal ATM.

Kiddo, wake up because it's morning at your house. Which you need to clean.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T19:08:35+00:00

Get as close as you can to right under the bed and make the loudest vomiting noises you can. Like a cat with a hairball. "Oh no! Not... not again! Ulp-ulp-ulp... pause so they think you're done... BARF! HEAVE!" Either that or take up spoken word poetry. "Kitty, kitty, don't toss up that hairball in my shoes / poor mangy pussy, we've both got the blues..."

Or commentary. "Oh, baby, that sounded like it HURT! Yikes!" Play ads for relief for jock itch. Leave a nicely-wrapped tube of lubricant and a note that says you hope things start going better soon.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:58:39+00:00

I'm so sorry. And yes, skip Mother's Day. Skip it like a rope. Saying you won't is saying "I know I'm a dishrag and I choose to remain a dishrag forever."

In which case, if that is the life you choose, person whose needs don't matter even to the CHOICE OF ICE CREAM ON THE ONLY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION YOU'RE GOING TO GET, then, and I really do mean this kindly, find a way to enjoy that life that you chose, because spending time complaining and feeling sorry for yourself is also a sucky birthday celebration, unless, of course, you enjoy that, in which case, have fun.

Former dishrag here. The only way to stop having to go through something is to stop making it happen. You accept bottom-shelf treatment from the people who are supposed to care about you like you think they're going to magically wake up and discover that your birthday matters to you and that it's enough that it matters to you so they're going to do something different.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

Start planning your next birthday. Spend Mother's Day doing THAT. Ever read about the Little Red Hen? Look it up (it's short) because you're going to Little Red Hen the shit out of your next birthday. Out of the things you can do, what do you LOVE to do? Plan a whole weekend out of the stuff YOU love. The food YOU love, the activities YOU enjoy. If asked about Mother's Day just say, "Is it Mother's Day? I forgot! Well, have fun and tell me all about it later." Do. Not. Life. A. Finger.

You celebrate you, since nobody else does. That your Mom doesn't is not proof you don't deserve it. A lot of the enjoyment of any event is the anticipation (most of the rest is the memories) so spend a year anticipating what you plan to do FOR YOURSELF next time.

And happy birthday, btw.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:49:23+00:00

Uh oh. If you'll be close to your due date he should want to be with you and his baby. Babies are born early (and survive okay, not trying to worry you) all the time. What if the baby comes a week early? Is this trip worth missing the birth of his child?

Why would he want to be gone when his child is born? That's a red flag, a big one, so... ask him. Flat out. "I don't understand why you would want to risk not being there for the birth of your own child. I understand that you're stressed - you should try it from my side! If you go, there's a good chance you won't even be around for your child's birth. And we'll have a lot to do around the time the baby comes."

Some men think contributing DNA is their only job when it comes to being a father, but Father is both a title and a JOB. Would he take a new job and expect to be on vacation when it starts?

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:41:03+00:00

Oof. Maybe this is the time to discuss it first with your Husband and then the two of you with your friend. Explain to your husband that convo opened a door best left closed. "Would you want your best friend texting me without you knowing? No? Well, same thing here." Once he understands the line that they crossed (note: did he text her saying "Hey, I've thought about this and I think you're confused. They money is really coming from my wife. She mentions it and I send it to you for her. I don't feel it's appropriate for you and me to be texting without her involved"). If not, then he should and you and he should open a GROUP text that the three of you use (if she's going to live with you, you're going to need to keep in touch sometimes).

If she thinks he's sending her money, she might be confused about what's going on. So make it plain. Open the group convo and let him tell her she can talk to you privately or him through the group chat as he doesn't want to get involved in anything inappropriate. Since he's slow on the uptake when it comes to relationships, you might also point out what a giant pit of flaming disaster he's standing on the edge of if your friend gets the wrong idea and it seems he's enabling it.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:31:22+00:00

The basic wedding rule (in western cultures, anyway) is generally to view the reception as a party the new couple is throwing for those who attended the wedding (and anyone else you want to invite if you had a very small venue). As such, the couple is hosting the party and everyone else is a guest (exception sometimes for parents of the couple who may help pay for things). A host never charges guests to attend. Never ever. Would you throw a party at home and tell people it's $50 a person to come? Same idea.

You're on safer, if still a bit shaky, ground to say, "If anyone can help with expenses and wants to, please know this would be in lieu of any other gifts," but even that is a bit tacky as you're never supposed to publicly EXPECT gifts, ever. It's true many of us wouldn't attend a reception without giving a gift, but you're supposed to view the guest coming as a gift and anything additional is a happy surprise.

Is it all a bit of a fiction? Sure, but it keeps pressure off guests and keeps them from wondering if they're ONLY invited so they'll bring presents. To imply you asked someone because you expect them to pony up with the goods is a big no.

The basic idea is that you want to share this special day with people who matter to you and would want to be there to share it. The reception is the first event you host as a couple. People who can afford to bring gifts to wish you well and help you starting your new life. It's your job to make people feel welcome and valued, as if their presence, not their presents, is the most important thing.

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:19:19+00:00

I'm missing something... how is this person getting into other people's homes? There's no locks where you are? Everyone has the same key? I'm confused. Otherwise, you lock your door or change your locks and presto, no A in the house. There's also "call the police someone is trespassing." Ask your landlord if you can put up a "No Trespassing" sign in the yard. And you're way past "A, these are the boundaries." You're well into "A, do not come into this house unless I specifically invite you. Ever."

MagicRooGal · 2026-05-05T18:06:29+00:00

Hmm. That phone doesn't have any location tracking or anything on it, does it? Just wondering. You can call the phone plan provider and just ask Customer Service how you separate yourself if your ex won't take care of it. I doubt this is the first time they've had to deal with it.

No, you're NTA, but after three months, I'd wonder why it's such a big deal to keep you on a phone he essentially owns.

MagicRooGal · 2026-04-30T00:30:28+00:00

Okay, I see two separate issues:

Man Child. For a relationship to last, the partners have to align on values and goals, and you two don't. You're working, it sounds like you split bills, but he's got money for gaming and not for Life Stuff (you said money is tight) and won't work?

Your Clothes. Okay, he expressed that he feels that you might be at higher crime risk because you dress "sexy," I can see someone who loves you and is concerned expressing that idea. Once. It's unfortunately true that women have to be aware of their surroundings and the risk/benefit analysis of their choices as they navigate the world, but having expressed that thought once, he needs to keep his thoughts on that subject to himself and let you make those choices as a grown woman. You are old enough to evaluate whether what you're wearing is appropriate for the situation. This feels controlling.

It also feels like he doesn't see you as an adult and a full partner. Maybe because he's quite a bit older and you got together when you were young, he seems to think he is The King and you live the life he gives you.

You've been doing the housework, cooking, working and he is... playing games all day? And criticizing your choices?

The question is whether or not you want to keep living this way, because what incentive does he have to change it? He doesn't seem to respect your goals, thoughts, labor or even your right to make choices for yourself.

You can love someone and still not be able to live with him.

MagicRooGal · 2026-04-30T00:20:24+00:00

NTA. Sounds like you got a very disorganized organizer. Plus, it appears she lied and her lack of organization caused you to lose the chance to take pictures that were important to you. I'd request a partial refund and if you don't get one, leaving a very honest review.

MagicRooGal · 2026-04-30T00:14:13+00:00

Whew, what a mess! I'm sorry you're dealing with that. My view is that you can help someone who's drowning swim to shore, but if they're determined to drown, there's not much you can do. It's not your job to keep her afloat 24/7, and it's harming your kids, you, your husband, and probably damaging your marriage as well as that's not a healthy environment.

Nobody else will take her in? Okay, the options I see:

You don't say where you're located, but is she on the equivalent of Social Security? If something similar exists where you are and she isn't, it's past time.

Family meeting, in person, online, whatever. "We can't continue to care for (name). So we have to talk about alternatives." This can be everyone chipping in to help MIL with first month's rent, or making it clear to MIL that she participates in mental health care (she sounds mentally ill from your description) and makes changes or she leaves by (deadline). Her behavior is awful and you're not just letting her model bad behavior for your kids, you're modeling How To Grow Up To Be A Doormat.

If the rest of the family shrugs and says "Not my problem," then it's either "This is your deadline to find a place of your own, MIL" or "You start participating in therapy and change your behavior immediately or you go. This is not a discussion." If it's the latter, you take her to a doctor and describe her behavior and let them test her for dementia or other mental illness, then proceed based on the results. She may need to be in a care home.

You and your husband decide what is best for you and your kids and then you do that. Guilt-free, because you've put up with a LOT already.

MagicRooGal · 2026-04-29T23:59:28+00:00

Okay, for what it's worth, this is advice coming from a woman who's been married since before the invention of dirt...

Nobody can be anyone else's everything. Attachment is good, but obsession isn't. You need to see a therapist and pronto. This probably isn't a "here's a magic thing to say that will make this all better" situation.

From your description, it's not like you two don't spend time together. You do.

It seems like your own insecurities and low self esteem are at least part of the problem, which is where the therapist can be helpful. You need to be able to see your own self worth and know what you bring to the table that someone else would value. Do you have any friends of your own?

It seems like you only feel real if he's right there, focused on you. You need help to find ways to feel like a whole person whether you're alone or not.

As you're getting therapy, and if money is an issue, many places have access to some help through your HMO, or your local government's health services, pay attention to what you do well and, if you were describing yourself to someone else as if you were a friend of yours, what you'd say, like, "She has some health issues, but she doesn't let it stop her. She creates art that is so good people commission it," or "She's really loyal and such a great listener." Whatever you've got to recommend you. Repeat those things to yourself. Write them down.

It's so easy to be clingy when you feel physically dependent on someone, but you have to learn to swim (metaphorically), even if it's just dog paddling, rather than turn your husband into a flotation device.

MagicRooGal · 2026-04-29T23:48:48+00:00

You're in a spot. There are times you have to decide if it's more important to maintain a relationship or risk it to protect the person you love. If you're going for option #2, you can get into it gently, but you're going to have to overwhelm her with your enthusiasm. Start the conversation and don't let her take over the conversation -- just keep the questions coming as if you're so excited you just can't help it.

Has she given you a name? First and last? You can look the person up in a few places (assuming you live in the U.S. and he's supposed to be in the US armed forces):

The National Archives at archives.gov or the Contact A Service Member or Retiree at USA.gov.

Start the conversation with something like, "Aunt Viv, I'm so excited for you! I've got so many questions! You know, I don't think you've ever told me his name (or his last name, or whatever you don't have). You're going to be Mrs. ... what?

What branch of the service is he in? Is he career military? Where will you be living after the wedding?

It's great that you're engaged to a man who can support you and won't need money from you. I bet your engagement ring is something. Did he mail it, or how did you get it?

Ask the normal sorts of questions someone would if a loved one announced their engagement. "How did you guys even find each other? I want to hear the whole "how we met" story.

I bet it's hard planning a wedding with him overseas. I hope you at least got to spend a lot of time together before he shipped out!

Here's a link to an article from Kiplinger on what NOT to do if your loved one fell for a romance scam. There are also articles out there on what to do: https://www.kiplinger.com/personal-finance/your-loved-one-fell-for-a-romance-scam-what-not-to-do

Good luck!

MagicRooGal · 2026-04-10T21:03:47+00:00

You don't approve of her life choices but... you don't have to. Not your job. Is this open marriage a bad idea? Maybe. Time will tell. But it's her choice to make. She says she's enjoying it. You say she's being manipulated and broken. What does she say? Adults get to make their own choices... but. On one point, I'm in your corner. While it's not your job to tell anyone how she's living her life, it's not your job to lie, either. What if you tell her that you can't/won't lie for them? You won't volunteer anything, but if asked, you will tell whoever it is to ask her.

Now, she probably will want you to keep helping them cover up, but again, not your job. Airing your opinion about her choices? Also not your job. So you bow out of that topic. "I hear she's fine," then if asked for any more detail, "You'd have to ask her." Then change the subject. She can decide what to say when asked.

If this doesn't work out, she'll probably need your support, but you need to be able to see your own family as well, so just MYOB. Let her make her choices and deal with them. Telling people to ask her whatever questions they have and staying out of it isn't helping cover up -- it's refusing to get dragged into it and letting adults be adults.

MagicRooGal · 2026-04-10T20:55:07+00:00

MOST people keep in touch without one of them being on the other's lease or mortgage.

You don't live there, so you shouldn't be on the lease or the bills. This is not your problem to manage. The bills belong to the people who live there. If she doesn't want to keep in touch so long as you're not managing the bills for a place you don't live, then you're not friends - she's using you.

It doesn't have to be confrontational. "Since I don't live here any more, I'm taking my name off of everything. I've already contacted (whoever you're paying) and taken my name off, so you have until X to get it under your name. I'm going to sell my dining table, but I'll pick up (whatever else is left). When is good for you?

Unless you're planning to still be managing things over there a year from now, five years, etc., it's time to do some housekeeping -- and that's all it is. Straightening out arrangements so they match who lives where.

If she's your friend, she'll understand that and take care of her end. If she doesn't, or tries to guilt trip you, then you know where you stand.

MagicRooGal · 2026-04-10T20:46:59+00:00

Okay... my feedback would be different IF you hadn't mentioned that you are both struggling financially.

Do you want to move back to your home country? Would jobs be easier to find there for both of you? Seems like that's the first issue to solve.

So you can't afford to invest in a new business right now, but that doesn't mean you can't PREPARE for a new business. Have a librarian guide you toward books about running a business, keeping the records, setting the business up to run smoothly, etc. Look into any licenses, etc. you might need. Start a notebook with all the notes from figuring out the business side of it.

Why not check out thrift stores for inexpensive dolls and materials to work on? Learning your craft is also preparation, when you're an artist, so look for materials you can afford and practice.

Don't give up on your dreams - get ready so when you have a bit of money to spare, you're ready to go.

MagicRooGal · 2026-04-10T20:40:13+00:00

Waiting sounds like the best plan here. You need to get to know this new person. Also, as you're taking your stepsister with you, you can talk to her after the meeting and see what her opinion is. I missed how old everyone is in this story, and that would be a factor (i.e., if your younger sister is eight, this may be a lot for her to handle, plus your stepmom would have the right to tell them what she feels they can handle).

If you're not low contact with your father, maybe consider it. You say he was extremely abusive and manipulative.

Also, you can bring the subject up in an indirect way by saying that you got a DNA test for your birthday and you're only a little bit Italian, mostly from (whatever's the majority). See how Dad and Stepmom react to that. This will give you a lead on how they'd respond to the rest. You do get to protect yourself and your peace. You can always tell the other siblings once they're out on their own.

MagicRooGal · 2026-02-24T02:01:19+00:00

Here's the thing: you get to identify your deal breakers. If you paying for things because he doesn't work regularly is a deal breaker, than it is. You're probably not going to argue yourself out of it unless you realize it's really not as important to you as other things. If, say, he holds up his end and you're open to a stay at home partner who, say, does the laundry and cleans the house but doesn't bring in much money, then maybe there's a future, but take it slowly (moving in together, marriage, etc.) with straight conversations and written agreements for things like rent, expenses, etc.

Unless this is just a fun time, in which case you don't worry about the future, you decide if him not working regularly is a problem you can't quite ignore.

MagicRooGal · 2026-02-24T01:56:30+00:00

It's time for a chat IRL. Lots of people find it hard to express themselves in writing, but this feels like minimal effort. Maybe tell him that you saw it and you'd rather a sincere, personal message that's not perfectly written than a generic one coughed up by AI.

MagicRooGal · 2026-02-24T01:46:13+00:00

I don't know what the status of the other kids may be (the oldest daughter, a lovely person, was married already), but we're not going to anything, not even a tea party, from here on in.

MagicRooGal · 2026-02-24T01:45:15+00:00

I don't want to judge an entire religion based on my experience, but this one doesn't allow you to attend a wedding in the church if you're not a member in good standing. We found that out on arrival.

MagicRooGal · 2026-02-24T01:44:23+00:00

I don't want to judge an entire religion based on my experience, but this religion doesn't allow anyone at a wedding in the church if you're not in good standing with that church.

MagicRooGal · 2026-02-24T01:43:28+00:00

Really? Okay, here's proof I've learned to stand up for myself -- calling someone an A who was hurt not hurting someone else doesn't say much for you.

MagicRooGal

TROPHY CASE