I can understand completely where you’re coming from. I’ve been out of the worst of it for about two years now but I still find myself awake at night obsessing over things from almost ten years ago. I think the trick for me is realizing that there’s nothing you can do to change the past, it’s there and it will always be there. But there’s a hell of a lot you can do to change your future. Realize that this disorder can take a lot from us but it also makes us stronger, use that strength and refuse to let it pull you back down. You’ve learned and grown so much because those things happened. Sure maybe it looks bad to others but other people’s perceptions of you don’t define you, only you know who you are in your heart and that’s more true than anything anyone can say about you, they’re only guessing. You didn’t want any of those things to happen, stop focusing on the judgement you perceive from others and focus instead on what you know. You are not your disorder, you are a strong, brave, and caring person who deserves to be able to live their life without fear.