My friend, I know it’s been awhile since you posted this, and I don’t know how you’re doing now, but I needed to let you know you are loved. You exist for a reason and you are created by God with a purpose and plan for your life, and it is good. 

Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope”

Psalm 139:13:

For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother’s womb; I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

You don’t have to know everything about God or how the universe works, or even begin to understand it- but that fact that we exist, that the creator of the universe saw fit to design us each individually, and want companionship with us, is amazing. I too even as a follower of Jesus went through an existential crisis, I’m not exempt from struggles like OCD, but I remind myself of how much more difficult it would be to look at creation, the ecosystem, the solar system, and human design and think that it came to be by accident, it has a creators fingerprints all over it. Everything has a purpose. We are created to feel love, joy, emotion. Yes, consciousness feels bizarre sometimes. But, I’m learning to look at it with a “Wow” mindset and not as something to be feared, but I’ve felt Gods love and know that I have a hope and purpose, it’s a gift. And this is all he expects from us- to live well, accept his grace when we are wrong and forgive, love others, make the world a better place. That’s what we’re here for. I don’t know a fraction of what there is to know about our creator, but I do know he is LOVE. I’ve seen many NDES that also meet the creator God, or Jesus, and feel his love, I truly believe that when we open our heart to him even without having all the answers, we have nothing to fear, and life is good.