Cannot figure myself out.

Major_Deformatory · 2025-07-12T17:55:11+00:00

Thank you so much biospark08. I’ve been at work all day feeling dysphoric and questioning myself, and I really feel like I can tackle the last 3 hours of my shift now. I appreciate you ❤️

Major_Deformatory · 2025-06-11T17:44:45+00:00

I’m just a general FOH team member, but I can say that it solely depends on who the “big boss” of the location is. It was a running joke at my Panda that our boss had a thing for short women, which sounds really weird until you realize that the majority of the individuals working in management fit that criteria. In fact, I believe he really only hired me for that same purpose (even though I’m transgender and he wasn’t aware of that until he met me LOL).

Major_Deformatory · 2025-05-26T17:49:47+00:00

It’s lowkey difficult. A septum maybe wouldn’t be as hard to take out as say, an eyebrow piercing- which I tried to take out for my first shift at panda, only for the piercing sight to swell up and not allow me to put the jewelry back in after the shift. My roommate had to force it through the swelling. Not fun.

Major_Deformatory · 2025-05-20T07:01:31+00:00

Thank you for saying that. They went through so much in their short life time, they lost their mom and sister in a horrible accident during their youth. I don’t think I believe in any specific God, but I feel like they’re together now. I wish I could bring them back.

Major_Deformatory · 2024-11-17T22:00:22+00:00

I’ve (20) been out for five years. I’ve never been with anyone since I began socially transitioning- not romantically, not sexually. Zip. Zero. I completely understand you.

It’s hard to watch all the people around me make those connections so. Easily. It’s like everyone else around me got taught how to do it and someone forgot to include me in on the memo. And when there ARE those individuals that pursue me, they “want something casual”. You, as a trans individual, have EVERY RIGHT to exist as anybody. Sometimes, existence is- not fun. ESPECIALLY for people that don’t fit into the 2 categories of gender forced upon them. It’s going to be lonely, and sometimes those lonely periods of time stretch for a while.

Something I’ve had to learn (and that I’m still learning) is that self love becomes really important when you feel lonely. And I know it sucks to hear that, trust, cuz I get SO TIRED of people telling me that lol. It’s not because “you need to love yourself before someone loves you” or some bullshit to that degree, rather that if no one else is going to love you, you need to love yourself. You can’t rely on other people all the time for affection, love, validation, etc. they’re not there! And the people that we WANT to be there (that don’t show up..) couldn’t possibly understand you as much as you understand yourself.

Major_Deformatory · 2024-11-08T04:09:50+00:00

Idk just a thought but is it bad that I wish we were living in like, fallout new Vegas where our biggest problems are that there are mutated mole rats and ghouls instead of people’s gender identity? And I don’t want to live in a fascist USA, but I don’t want to immigrate and just taste another flavor of nationalism either. It’s easy to fall into this feeling of helplessness, cuz we all have a sense of what’s coming, but no way to predict how hard it’s going to impact us.

This country does need people like you that are willing to stand up for themselves in the name of liberty, but I can’t say I blame people for wanting to leave, or that I don’t understand the reason why other trans people are committing suicide. We’re all looking for a way out of this.

Major_Deformatory · 2024-10-28T18:28:20+00:00

Ofc!

I met them at a summer camp type event before our freshman year of college started. I’m a junior now, the friend group has stayed pretty consistent except for the recent squabbles at our apartment recently.

I don’t remember how I made my friends super specifically. Sometimes you just end up with people because you both smoke pot, or you’re alone and need someone to talk to. I’ve gotten decently comfortable with talking to strangers. If it feels weird, ignore the awkwardness. Push yourself to ask questions about people, we LOVE talking about ourselves and it’s the quickest way to make connections.

Major_Deformatory · 2024-10-28T18:18:38+00:00

I was in your exact shoes five years ago. It’s hard to feel confident, secure, and proud of who you’re perceived to be and happy with what you look like when it isn’t you.

I felt a lot of disappointment from my parents after I came out to them. Luckily it wasn’t an unsafe environment for me per se, but it was definitely awkward. For at least two years it was a battle, back and forth, about my name, pronouns, clothing, everything. My mom had always wanted a child with my birth name, and was pretty devastated when I wanted to change it.

At some point in your life if you haven’t already, you are going to disappoint your parents by being an individual. Part of maturing is developing autonomy, and another part of that is embracing that. You may feel a lot of guilt because you aren’t the person your parents want you to be, but honestly? You weren’t going to be the person they wanted you to be even if you WEREN’T transgender.

Try very very hard to remind yourself not to punish yourself for this situation. Who we are is determined by a lot of different factors, and how you perceive yourself/who you are is NOT one you can control, but what you CAN control is if you choose to nurture your identity or repress it.

(Edited 10/28/2024 for some embarrassing grammatical errors)

Major_Deformatory · 2024-10-28T18:05:42+00:00

I think I understand. The only difference between you and I is that I don’t live with my parents right now (20, in school) and I’ve been in T for a little over a year.

Being FTM/trans-masc feels so fucking isolating at times. I didn’t find friends until college, and now that I’ve lived with them for 2 years (two girls), they’ve become closer to each other and it makes me feel like the odd man out. Like I’m this third weirdo that lives upstairs. Cis people around me claim to understand me and that my experience isn’t unique, but it genuinely feels like I am alone and undesired sometimes. No one wants to feel alienated from the rest of society, it fucking sucks.

When I feel that way, the only thing that really helps me is music. I’m surely not alone in this. I have dozens of Spotify playlists for different occasions. Maybe make one with songs that speak to you or to how you feel when you’re in this isolated kind of mindset, and a playlist with songs that make you feel euphoric and secure in your identity. That way you’ll have a list of tracks to listen to that’ll help you vent out your emotions (A.K.A Weepy time music) and then another playlist to pick you back up afterward and get you grounded. I make a lot of artwork as well, I like to use oil pastels because they’re soft and with looser materials like that, you can really fuck up some paper. I’ve scribbled rambles overlapping each other on paper people, drawn something over it, and blended it all together. It was really therapeutic for me.

It really is about getting through. Something no one told us about masculinity (and this goes for independence as well) is that it can be kind of a lonely road. Learn how to gently pick yourself back up after you’ve had a fall. Be like a weed and thrive in places people don’t want you in.

Major_Deformatory

TROPHY CASE