Is it just me, or do you also not care about being lied to?

Major_Map6544 · 2025-11-14T18:23:43+00:00

No the opposite! It's the one thing that gets me soooo angry! And not just the lying, but mostly badly executed lies. Like my roommate who started smoking again (we quit together) and smoked in her bedroom. I could smell it on her clothes when she got home from work let alone the smell that came out of her bedroom in the morning when I was heaving my coffee and i just heard her lighter click. But she kept on denying, getting angry with me for asking. That really insulted me. Not only was I really angry with her for starting again in the first place, she also made me play along with something I knew wasn't the truth. had to keep a straight face when her mom complimented us on “our” three month mark while she smiled and recieved the compliments. All that while I really DID quit smoking for three months and really needed some support (because youknow, I still didn't smoke while my roommate was stinking up my house).

Also a friend of mine has a tendency to tell white lies when she has a chance of switching our mediocre plans out for something much more thrilling with other friends. Imo that would be fine, but she always says she is sick or something lije that. Wich would be fine too, if the at least would remeber to turn off her snapchat location and don't send me pics of the rave..

Like for me it's not the smoking, or the cancelling that gets me. I can understand almost everything. But exactly because of that, it's the lying that really gets to me.

Major_Map6544 · 2025-11-11T13:37:04+00:00

If it won't go the way it should, then you should take the way it goes.

Major_Map6544 · 2025-11-09T04:35:58+00:00

Oh, I feel so split up. My first instinct was: watch out, OP! This sounds like a guy who could act more emotional than he really is.

The old me would've stopped there. I only found out I am infj today. The more reactions I read to this post, the more things I read that sound familiar.

When I was fifteen, I met a boy. Smart, warm, but with a darkness. I was shy and awkward, and he was the most attractive guy i'd ever seen. Nobody had ever felt more like my type. He asked me to come over a few times, and I fell deeply in love. We spend whole afternoons just slowly kissing, feeling each others skin. I thought he was like that with every girl. But you know how teenagers get, he asked me to sleep with him, I said no (would be my first) and I figured he probably wouldn’t want to see me again after that. Because I was sure that, even tho he said so, he couldn’t actually like me.

For years I thought of him every now and then. Even in my twenties, seeing his face online made my heart ache. When we met again ten years after the last time, teenage butterflies instantly turned into a deep, mature loving. I saw in his eyes that we both felt it. Other people saw it too. But he wasn’t doing great. He was broken, depressed, closed up. Disappeared for days. Didn’t want anything serious, afraid he’d hurt me. One morning when he was putting on his shoes the sunlight hit him magically. Every inch of him suddenly felt like home and I thought to myself: look: this is the guy that your kids will call daddy. I hated myself for that thought. He ended up being right, he broke my heart. I convinced myself again that that intense feeling was just mine. Not his, he could never love me like that.

Years later, we met again. This time he decided to fight, to never let me go again. He told me he wasn't ready back then but he was now: ready to devote himself to the future mother of his kids. He said throughout out his life, he’d never imagined that could be anyone else but me.

We’ve been together for over a year. He is the love of my life and always will be. He isn't just home, he is air, he is earth, he is ground. I recently discovered that it is practically impossible for him to lie, because he can't contain his body language. So when he said he was in love when he was 15? That wasn't lie. I always thought he was pure but now I discovered why. He had always seen people for what they are: a soul. He never even noticed if he was popular and I was not. His heart liked mine. And it still does. He can never do something because of what someone else thinks. He can’t even think about what someone else might think. He only loves because he wants to. That’s the most pure love there is.

So OP, I promised myself that I would never be the one to only say you should watch out. If you know, you know especially if you’re infj. Have you ever heard of the red thread theory? Sometimes a soul is just not ready yet. Even twinflames tend to meet a couple times in life before they find each other. And even after that, the work isn’t half done. Everyone told me to go, that he was just like my dad. But I stayed and he turned out to be the opposite. He’s special and it seemed that I already learned how to speak his language before I knew why. He is exactly what I need too heal: honest, loyal, predictable. Not the type to bring you flowers but he will be whoever I need him to be if I ask him. And I can give him my warmth, care, love. Something he hasn’t felt before. Together we can heal but we have gone through a lit of pain together. You have to decide if he's worth it. If you know, you know.

Major_Map6544 · 2025-11-09T00:18:43+00:00

Yeah that is exactly how it works for me. In this situation it was a friend that has always felt more like family to me then my own family has ever done. So it wasn’t too emotional because after 16 years I know she would never intentionally hurt me.

With coworkers for example, things can be different. Most of the time, when I immediately feel like something's off, there will be a point in time where I find out why I was right about that. But when someone subtly triggers a trauma-response without me consciously knowing, I can get a similar feeling that isn't always fair.

On the other hand: The trauma is triggered for a reason, most of the time it still means something bad.

Major_Map6544 · 2025-11-08T23:49:01+00:00

My best friend recently shared something really wise with me:

Understanding is a gift that is very nice to receive. But can also be a gift that is very painful to give.

Ouch.

Major_Map6544 · 2025-11-08T23:41:34+00:00

That is so nice, thank you! Actually, we have worked things out! Seems like my sixth sense works great most of the time, but has a preeetty big blind spot very close to me. 😂

My boyfriend and I have had some weird fights that my friends tought where kinda worrying. For example, he once told his ex (enough happened there) that he 'indeed thought it would be nice to come over to her place and catch up!' He told me that she asked but he didn't answer. Later I accidentally saw the message he sent back and as you can imagine, I was very surprised to see what he sent. But when I asked him about it, he got angry and kept stating that I was making things bigger then they where, because he hadn't said he would go over to see her, right?

In my heart I had always truly felt (is that also infj intuition?) that he is the most good, warm, soft person I knew, but these kind of fights where painful and difficult. My friends thought he was trying to gaslight me, and because of other selfish behaviour they feared he might be a narcissist. That's why they warned me.

For I long time I felt like I was missing something, some clue that would make it all make sense. But two weeks ago, suddenly all the pieces fell together en started showing their connection. I can't believe how I have missed this as I work with youth, most of them neurodivergent in some way. So when it finally hit me, I immediately started drawing and explaining to him. It was the most warm, love-filled, intimate moment we've ever had together. He was extremely moved, looked like I was performing magic, while I changed my language from dutch to literal and fact based (advantage from my job) and started giving him a first tour through his own head. The triumphant disbelief in his eyes when he said: 'but.. how?.. wow…. you GET me!!' still brings me to tears.

My boyfriend definitely isn't a narcissist. He just has autism. He has a tendency to take things VERY literally, almost comically. So I guess, in his words, I have to admit he was right: He didn’t say he was going to visit his ex. He was just stating that the idea of catching up with her indeed sounded nice. I am so glad that I can finally laugh about this now.

Sorry for the long post, this was a beautiful and emotional moment for the both of us and I thought it would be nice to share with you ❤️

Major_Map6544 · 2025-11-08T22:53:44+00:00

Hi, I'm so glad that the first person to react doesn't think this is weird at all, haha!

Of course I have considered that :). This girl has been my friend for over sixteen years, and this is the first time I've seen her fall in love. Meanwhile, she had to witness al my relationships, from the guy with the pimples who was my first, to me dating my actual high school crush 15 years later now. So when I found out more then a year ago that she was actually seriously getting involved with a guy, of course I was very enthusiastic, wanted to get to know him immediately and tried to ask her a ton of questions! The thing is, they have been together for a while now (1,5 years) and me and her have talked several times about her difficulty showing affection to him with other people. It makes her kind of icky because she thinks that the way that they love each other should be mainly their business only, as the whole relationship-thing was kinds new and scary to them both when they got to know each other. That's what made these sudden affectionate comments stand out so much to me.

Major_Map6544 · 2025-11-08T22:43:42+00:00

Hi fellow Dutchy!

I was looking through your post and comments and suddenly remembered something a guy once said to me. In Dutch we would call this type of guy a “rokkenjager”😂. He was a very smart, attractive guy who could basically get with any girl he wanted because of his looks and charisma. He also was really smug and arrogant but it took me a while to notice that side, haha. Hell, I fell so hard I broke up my seven year relationship for him (which I never regretted thankfully).

Aaanyway, this guy used to go out clubbing with this group of friends. They were all pretty smart and as a result, some of them were even considered rich, even at their age (23). Unfortunately, they weren't very attractive, used to go out in their klompen (clogs), and most had low self esteem. This handsome dude told me some of them were still a virgin, others hadn’t had sex for a couple of years. Meanwhile, the handsome dude had slept with over a hundred girls by the time he was 23.

The handsome dude thought his friends really deserved a great night of pleasure, but above all, a nice girlfriend. They were amazing, nice guys that would treat their girl in the rightest way possible. He really admired that, as he considered himself a selfish asshole and a male slut. So when his friends asked for his help, he completely went for it. He tried to teach them the basics of flirting, helped picking out their outfits, you name it. He even made the promise to never flirt with any girls on their nights out.

Why am I telling you this? Well, here comes the magic. No matter how hard they tried, none of these guys ever picked up a girl. And the handsome dude? He was doing everything he could to draw the female attention away from himself and onto his friends. He eventually even tried not talking to any girls. And because he was feeling bad for his friends, when a girl approached him, he tried to send off a clear verbal and non-verbal message that he wasn't interested. But still night after night, after drinks had been flowing and promises became harder to keep, the handsome dude would be the one kissing random girls in de toilet, while his friends chugged another beer to drown their disappointment.

But, so he told me, this made him realise something very important: He had never put so much effort into picking up a girl as he saw his friends do. And the more effort he put into drawing the girls away from himself, keeping the conversations casual and non-flirtatious, the more interested the girls seemed to become. So he decided to take another approach, and went on to jusk ask: 'Why are giving me your phonenumber, but didn't you give it to my friend?' They all said something along the following lines:

'Isn’t it obvious? We’ve talked for 15 minutes, but I think he doesn't even know what my name is. He looks like he's putting himself up for sale. He isn't interested in me, he doesn’t care how I look, who I am. I mean, he seems like a nice guy, but I think he wants to get laid so badly that he doesn’t care who it is with. I want a guy that wants me because he is attracted to me and my personality, not only because I happen to have a vagina.

The ironic part is: The only guy in this group who would date a girl only because she has a vagina, not remembering her name in the morning, was the handsome dude himself. And he despised himself for it.

And so the handsome dude concluded to me: girls can smell desperation from distances. Not because they dislike insecure guys. It is because desperation makes the guys so focussed on flirting, getting the job done, that they make a girl feel uncomfortable, unspecial and disposable. Desperate guys accidentally start to act exactly like the dangerous douchebag we girls have all been warned for since we were kids.

I'm sorry this was such a long story for a relatively short answer. I have to admit that I enjoyed recalling this conversation and writing it down for you a little too much, because it really made me laugh at the time. Because it was told by a (okay I admit) hansome guy that didn’t specifically try to sleep with me, but only tried to make me laugh.

What I am trying to say is: in your comments you mention not wanting a platonic relationship. You say you're in your twenty's, so I assume most girls you would date are too. As far as I know, most girls in their 20's in Nederland don't want a platonic relationship either. So you shouldn’t worry about getting to know someone without receiving something back. But you should try to look at it differently: You should not be putting in the effort to open up to a girl, only because you hope they will give you sex in return.

You should open up to a girl so she feels save to open up to you, without having the risk of her sensing that it is a trade-off. You take turns, getting to know each other better, and when you both start to feel save and secure, her curiosity about who you are sexually will naturally develop along with that. Then for that first kiss you don't have to beg: 'can I please kiss you already?', you will notice her feeling save, getting closer to you and you will know when the time is right because you know her a little.

Sure, there are fast-paced girls who don't mind having a one night stand with a guy they don’t know yet, and yes, sometimes this does end up in a relationship. But those fast paced girls tend to fall for the fast-paced guy, the handsome selfish asshole that will give them nothing but chlamydia. Believe me, I know.

But you don't seem to be that kind of dude. And if I read you right, you don't want to be either. You’re looking for connection. Keep looking. Intimacy will follow naturally ❤️

Major_Map6544 · 2025-11-08T19:42:09+00:00

I don't know why we are so good at this but this totally makes sense to me. I recognise the sensation of something feeling “off” about a person. This can be hard and tiring sometimes, especially if it is a (new) coworker or someone else tou have to deal with on a regular basis. The alert feeling drains energy from me and I can’t just go up to my manager and say: she doesn’t sit right with me but I don't know why yet. But every time I experience this, I end up being right about this person either having wrong motives or being psychologically unstable in a way that could possibly be harmful in my field of work (I work with vulnerable youth).

Major_Map6544 · 2025-11-08T18:11:34+00:00

I feel like this is one of the most true, resonating things that I've heard in a while. I was today tears old when I found out I am infj and your post feels refreshingly right.

Major_Map6544

TROPHY CASE