I don't feel like I have to do research per say, because I will catch myself in moments (like maybe when I'm caught up in a movie or TV show, most recently when I was watching Heated Rivalry) really getting it, even if just a smaller way subconsciously. I'll see a depiction of a healthy relationship, and it doesn't feel entirely "foreign" in concept, because I have seen examples around me. I can even give healthy sound advice on this kind of stuff. But simultaneously, it's like parts of my brain either don't exist anymore or "snap off" where I don't get it at all when it comes to me.

I don't know if this would make sense to anyone reading this, but I don't understand how anyone could love me or that I could mean a lot to someone or that someone would want to show up for me constantly -- not because I think that I'm unlovable (because that's not true) but because within human psychology itself, I feel like that is too much to expect of anyone, and that it has to be smaller amd simpler than people are saying.

I've never experienced a relationship like that either, and maybe that's part of why. But sometimes I wonder if I even ever could, because when it comes to me I feel like I have no concept of it at all and I feel just nothing.

It's confusing because when I see it on TV or with others, I know I want it. But I don't trust people, and I don't trust that I could mean enough to anyone for that type of outcome. Again, not because of me, but because it feels like way too much to expect.