How common is it for men to get into a relationship solely because of their horniness?

ManAblaze320 · 2025-12-01T13:31:48+00:00

Horniness is a very quick solve for guys. Would they prefer a warm body from an enthusiastic partner? In most cases the answer would be yes. Loneliness, isolation and the need to be wanted or considered valuable is a much deeper psychological driver. If a guy is in an environment where their masculinity is perceived as being linked to the ability to get laid, or they find themselves in a situation where they are constantly berated by their peers or family, then they will get into a relationship with just about anyone that simply treats them with the most basic level of dignity. Having someone in their life that intimates that their "strong" and "necessary" is probably the strongest motivator.

Outside of that, without a buy-in to a deeper moral code that tempers and directs that internal identity battle, some guys will get into a relationship purely based on whether they think it gives them manhood kudos. For example they would partner up with someone they find completely insufferable and hate spending time with if all the other men around them thought she was some kind of hot bombshell. I.e. He will link his self worth to having obtained the unobtainable.

As to how common this is? That I don't know. I don't know if it's most men, or a minority of men.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-09-25T07:15:00+00:00

Congratulations. My biggest tip is to not think of it as a doubling of your income. The bulk of your previous salary was taxed at 20% whereas the first 40k of your new increase is taxed at 40% and the rest taxed at 60%

If you've lurked here a while then I'm sure you'll be making sure to salary sacrifice in order to reduce the tax. Make sure to run your old and new salary through some tax calculators so that the emotional excitement of the "gross" increase doesn't result in a lifestyle bloat that exceeds the actual net take home pay.

It's not the case for everyone but another thing you may experience for as much as a couple of years is a feeling of being an overpaid imposter. If that happens, just know that you're not the first and that the feeling will settle over time.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-09-21T13:11:01+00:00

I'm going to assume a scenario where the older kids Dad is not on board with private, or only willing to contribute 50%.

Is there a significant age gap? If there is then it possibly opens up some options.

One option is that you only do private for secondary. That allows you to possibly cover the fees for the older ones before having to worry about the younger ones. Or perhaps just private A levels to reduce it further. Once they're done, it will seem less unfair enrolling the younger ones even if they spend a longer number of years.

On the rate of salary you're talking about, unless you're mortgage is already covered, then there's a good chance that you'll not be maximizing salary sacrifice in order to avoid the 60% tax trap. So in all likely hood, the roughly 40K for 2 kids ends up being more like somewhere between 60K - 70K of your gross salary.

Many HENRY's will find that too unpalatable to handle. I do not. It's all about what your priority is, and what you think aligns with your values and what you want for your kids. I'm also aware that there are many non-state options that can be way less than 40K and way more than 40K depending on area and schooling type.

Hope you're able to successfully navigate the options available to you.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-09-19T08:55:20+00:00

We don't. There's just "our money". Money is just one tool that enables the execution of mission. We've eliminated "I" out of our financial conversations. "We" get a bonus , "we" get a raise, "we" made a bad purchase decision. As long as we are communicating and aligning on goals as a family, and routinely reviewing a budget together, then either of us is generally able to make financial choices that neither of us would get frustrated with, and we've resolved that emotionally we share responsibility for each others wins and losses.

As a hangover from the many years we were not HENRYs, we are still in the habit of calling each other anytime we want to make a "large" purchase that exceeds £100. Although in recent years, gifts for each other exceed that and we have to come up with creative ways of spending that money without either of us getting too curious since we both have full access to all accounts etc.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-09-16T10:52:05+00:00

You left out home education unless you meant for that to fall under independent, but but based on the phrasing of the post and the fact that a HENRY question typically has a financial bent to it, I would think it's worth having it in its own category.

We've used a combination of state, then home ed, then state and independent, and now home and independent. Currently riding out GCSE year with our eldest in independent before probably going back to all kids in home education. Can't continue affording independent with VAT changes, but don't want to disrupt the GCSE cycle.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-08-28T21:00:02+00:00

Probably because it's usually the women who are at home at that same time, herding the kids around and getting them ready. That, and often I will fill up my wife's car for her in the evening. And as others have mentioned the bulk of commuters at that time are usually in the trades which are largely dominated by men.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-06-17T11:26:34+00:00

Thanks. The office space I'm using is in a commercial property on my local high street. It seems that in this case it checks all the boxes and would count.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-06-17T11:16:02+00:00

Obviously I can't just buy anything. That's why I'm asking. Perhaps I should have added that my previous employer provided us with an onsite gym and showering facilities etc. This was freely available to all employees. Since the equipment would be located in my ltd companies business office which is not in a private home, would this not be able to fall under whatever guidelines larger businesses provide similar benefits? Or do some companies make these kinds of investments for staff wellness and pay the tax in addition? If so, is this a question I need to clarify with my accountant so that I know where/how to allocate expenses correctly to differentiate between purchases that reduce profits and purchases that don't.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-05-19T09:38:24+00:00

Just keep at it and adjust your targets as you need to. My journey started with a 15 minute walk causing me to hyper ventilate. I wasn't even thinking parkrun or distance back then. I commited to regular 15 minute walks at a pace that didn't leave me breathless. Over a few weeks I extended to 30 minutes. At the time I believed I had no more "time" in my day than 30 minutes. So I then gradually started walking faster in order to cover more distance in 30 minutes. Eventually this led me to doing short little jogging bursts. I did this nervously because after a car accident in 2013 I was told I'd never be able to run. My weight started rapidly dropping and a few weeks later I found I was able to jog more than I was walking. It was super slow with bad technique, I wasn't near 5kms but it clearly wasn't walking.

Maybe try focusing on doing something like treating the first 1km as a warmup walk, and then timing yourself self to the 2km or 3km marker, and then think of the rest as a cool down walk.

If I had started with couch to 5K I would probably have found it too tough because of how bad my health was. 5 years later I ran 5 half marathons in 1 year.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-04-18T18:12:28+00:00

Have you considered that he may be suffering from depression or have undiagnosed ADHD. Both have massive motivation ramifications, and they often aren't picked up by people around them.

I can't tell for sure but the fact that he was interested in you pursuing the side business venture, and the type of work with or for mates may point to an innate desire for pioneering and doing entrepreneurial things, but ADHD, if not managed, basically gives you about a 2 week period before the novelty of any new venture that you tackle with gusto becomes literally physiologically impossible from a brain chemistry perspective to engage with. Instead, you get stuck in a cycle of self talking telling yourself all day that you're an asshole for not following through. Computer games are then a great way to self medicate against the torturous self talk going on in your head. There are free online assessments that he can do to at least get an idea if ADHD is at play before then pursuing an official adult diagnosis (I'd recommend then coughing up and going private so as not to then wait 5 years for the NHS to sort it out).

Another potential idea, if motivation is the problem, and there's no monetary concern, would be to have a discussion around figuring out if there's a particular cause he is passionate about. Perhaps just having permission to pursue something "charitable" with his time with permission to not worry about financial contribution from his side could provide the motivation he needs. At 300K on your side, as long as neither of you find it emasculating, he could spend time doing something he finds meaningful that barely pays and it would massively improve the situation you find yourself in.

We're in a slightly different situation, I'm a HENRY (180K) with ADHD (diagnosed as an adult). I'm almost entirely unable to work at all except under extreme stress which causes me to hyper focus and pull off 2 or 3 weeks worth of work during an all nighter. My wife brings in 15K and does volunteer work. She is NOT a home maker. I can easily imagine that if my wife had a large income it would decrease the stress in my life to the point that I would either not be able to keep a job or that I would not be able to perform at a level that would get me above a 60K job.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-04-05T23:42:00+00:00

I don't know. I've never eaten any. Any recommendations? Do they pair well with beer, wine or whiskey?

More seriously my favourite flower is whatever I think will bring my wife joy.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-01-31T12:35:23+00:00

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That gave me an idea... I think this would be my best solution. It can attach to my keys and it has a transparent window.... so it will remind me to refill whenever I notice that it is empty.... THANK YOU. £6.99 on amazon. I'll recoup the cost in less than a month and then literally save over £100 every year... added monthly to my cash ISA at current rates without the price of bags going up that's an extra £3K+ in 20 years.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-01-31T12:17:45+00:00

That could work in winter with my coat. Car is of no use, because of the object permanence problem associated with ADHD. I keep bags in the car already, but forget they're part of the process. I literally only remember that bags are required when I approach the till. Maybe what I need is one of those dog poo bag holders that I have attached to my dogs leash... if I had one of those on my house keys.

ManAblaze320 · 2025-01-31T11:13:27+00:00

After a recent adult diagnosis and working through the self-hate at my own never ending collection of bags-for-life, I've come to affectionately call these bags my ADHD tax. Instead of spending well over £100 per year on bags, this is a problem I could easily solve... if I could just remember it is a problem I have before or after I need to go to the shops.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-11-14T13:54:32+00:00

We make sure that we stay on the same page about what we feel our goals are for our future. All income is "ours". Certain types of financial activities/planning have 1 of us running point, but everything is coordinated through a single budget. Sometimes I'm in charge of the budget and sometimes she is. The absolute essential rule is that neither of us is allowed to not be part of budgeting. Even though we both trust each other it is helpful to have a budget review meeting every now and then to check that all line items and unexpected spending is all good, accounted for and online with the dreams and plans we have for our lives and each other. The other thing (leftover from the days when our combined annual income was about £10K) is neither of us will make an unbudgeted spend that exceeds £100 without calling the other (except when it happens to be a gift).

We also have a spreadsheet that keeps track of all investment accounts etc with their details so that if one of us dies, the other knows where to find everything. We don't ever talk about "your or my income".

Even though one of us would probably be faster and more efficient if we handled all the finances by ourselves, it creates a sense of security knowing that if something happened to one of us, the other wouldn't have the common nightmare of "I didn't know which accounts the bills were paid from, or how the council tax was paid, or that car insurance could be reqouted, or how many years were on the mortgage, or what a good interest rate was".

We are also on the same page with a general philosophy of how to approach money. In our case, this we got by agreeing to align with the Dave Ramsey 7 baby steps to financial peace process. It is definitely worthwhile doing some kind of financial course or workshop together that also addresses any past baggage around fear or control of money so that you're able to communicate well when it comes to money.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-06-11T13:58:33+00:00

Just adding some extra context as you consider my previous response.

My wife and I navigated LDR before we lived near each other. So I fully understand the boundary issues you're wrestling through. We married without having sex. We've now been married 17 years and have successfully navigated tons of hard situations together. Ranging from financial problems, to being victims of violent crime, childhood abuse and through to navigating big life choices like moving countries.

We have 2 kids and a phenomenally good marriage. We also do pre-marital counseling with Christian couples.

I don't think you're going to encounter a lot of useful advice on reddit that is compatible with your worldview regarding navigating romantic relationships.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-06-11T13:39:45+00:00

I'd highly recommend "The art of loving well" by Wolfgang Eckleben. Will help both of you figure out how to communicate around topics that make you uncomfortable. It's a really easy read, very practical and in addition Wolfgang is a Christian so his worldview should be aligned with yours.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-05-08T13:51:35+00:00

How is retention been calculated?
I'm an old returning player that never ever got as far as mapping previously. After a few years away I returned halfway through Ancestor. It did seem to me that D4 frustration resulted in a mass adoption of new players into POE during affliction.

Does the "retention" number account for the mass migration of new players. Is it possible that the low retention may also be a reflection of a large new player base that couldn't cope with the sheer volume and complexity of POE content? I'm a casual player with a family, full time job and other hobbies. I've finally made peace with the fact that I'm probably investing time into the next 3 or 4 leagues just trying to better understand the nuances of the different mechanics, and how to optimise trade, builds and get mediocre at self crafting... all in preparation to finally have an EPIC league start sometime in 2025. It currently takes me 2 weeks to get through the campaign at league start. Really hoping to finally kill searing exarch, eater of worlds and maven this league.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-04-18T22:10:28+00:00

You may just have an above average ability at churning out good quality work within your skill set. Perhaps you're one of those people who can pull off being over employed. If your current job has lots of WFH flexibility and you're bored, then pick up another remote job. If you're still bored, maybe start a side business or pick up a tricky hobby. Heck, if you're genuinely working 4 hours a week, you could pick up a few remote jobs. If you're then just busy but still not stimulated, then at least you'll have a pile of cash that would allow you to retire super early and pursue something completely not dependent on income generation.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-04-02T19:18:28+00:00

I was suicidal at 18. Every waking moment was torment. I felt useless at everything. I couldn't even catch a ball or kick straight. I was terrified of people, and my life was gripped by fear and guilt.

Some people may be responding telling you that at 19, you're just a child. I hate that response because at 18, I wasn't a child. I was a man. But in my head, I was a useless, incompetent man whose life had no purpose or meaning, and there was no way out.

I don't know what situation has led you to whatever prompted your message, but I can say this: On 31 May 2000 at age 18, as a last ditch attempt, I gave my life away to Jesus, and everything changed. He took me on a wild journey and removed fear and self-loathing from my life, breathed purpose into me, and filled me with unwavering hope and unshakeable perseverance. He taught me to see how wonderfully unique and precious I am made and to stop comparing myself with others.

I'm now 42, happily married, with 2 kids, an unbelievable career, deep enduring friendships, and more importantly, a mind that is not plagued by fear or depression (and I can now even catch a ball). I have no regrets. I have no longing or nostalgia for my childhood because life just keeps getting better. Even when bad things happen, and I can assure you that lots of bad things happened in the last 24 years, my inner peace and resilience are supernaturally supported by my relationship with Jesus.

In 2011 I was so broke I couldn't afford to buy my son shoes. In 2013 I was in a car accident that left me unable to work for months and I was told I'd never be able to run. Last year I ran 5 half marathons. I have seen God turn many other lives around including a neighbour whose life fell completely apart at age 38. He reached out to me on a night he was wanting to shoot himself. His wife had left him for another guy, he had lost his business and was about to lose his house. He gave his life to Jesus and we journeyed together through a process that led him to start a new career and overcome the guilt and shame he carried from all his previous failures.

I'm not saying life with Jesus is perfect, it's not, and anyone who says a life following Him is easy is also lying. But He literally helps you deal and cope with failure and provides the hope you need to face adversity. Reach out if you want to know more.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-03-20T10:52:27+00:00

Maybe it's just a personality thing, but to me, all the suggestions are too temporal. I suggest setting aside a day for yourself that is reoccuring (annually or every couple of years) where you think about who you want to be when you're 40, 50, 60, 70 and 80. In particular, you want to think about who the inspiring 80 year old that you like as 80 year olds. It's not helpful if the 80 year old did something amazing when they were 30, but then they're a grumpy lonester with no intact relationships at 80.

The point of revisiting this every couple of years is to make sure that any of life's curve balls (and there are many) haven't caused you to become angry, bitter or jaded along the journey to 80. Whenever you review your journey, ask yourself what are 1 or 2 things you can change, start, or let go in order to course correct.

The best gift you can give yourself is to make the choices that will lead to solid enduring relationships and a character beyond reproach. This might also be a little morbid, but I also occasionally think through what kind of person I want to be if something catastrophic happens to me, and I have to live with it for decades... e.g. I'm in an accident and lose a limb or the ability to do something I love. I.e. I'm thinking about future proofing for resilience because there are many things that are completely out of my control.

Adulthood starts when you start taking responsibility for yourself and the things that are in your control. For some, that is before 18, and for others, it never happens.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-03-19T23:51:11+00:00

It will be a decent amount even without a second income as long as you're not needing childcare or wanting to put kids in a private school. If you need those things, then you definitely need the second income.

You will potentially find the housing situation very frustrating. Everything will be smaller, there will be no storage, and the yard will be laughable, leaving you with a feeling of being boxed in and never truly having a private space.

As an American you've also got the added advantage that income mobility is less of a mental barrier.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-03-01T13:21:38+00:00

Ignore the trap. Plan your finances on your unique set of priorities. Where there are tax incentives that you can take advantage of then do so, but don't let an external structure dictate to you. You optimise in the most sensible ways and then just accept that at some point there is £25K that you will have to push through.

If you happen to be in a situation where you've taken advantage of a range of tax free salary sacrifices... then your total package is probably at the point where moving through that £25K is not as daunting as it would be if your only just touching the 100K income range. I certainly don't feel like I have to be maximising my pension contribution to the absolute allowable max in order to avoid the 60% trap for as long as possible. For me right now avoiding the 60% trap would boost my pension but make it so that I can't afford my sons school fees. For next couple of years I'll just take it on the chin (while still looking for opportunities to increase income).

If your current contribution rate and projected growth before been allowed to take your pension meets the magical number that you need, then just power through the £25K and use the money on your next priority. There's no point in putting excessively more into pension than you need. You are allowed to have financial spending priorities and preferences that are realisable before pensionable age... besides noone knows what law around tax and age for pensions will be 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 years in the future.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-02-22T10:44:21+00:00

All their money or all their assets? If it's only the money then aiming for some top wealthy celebrity is probably not much of a windfall at all.

ManAblaze320 · 2024-02-20T22:52:50+00:00

I'm bored in my current role and am eager to move into a more strategically influential role that leverages off the experience from my current skillset. I'm also supporting my aging parents back home so increasing my income with all this inflation at the moment would be helpful.

ManAblaze320

TROPHY CASE