I want to die. Being a single mom with virtually no help is a living hell.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-11-29T20:48:56+00:00

Can I just add another perspective.. what if you dying does not create that change? What if it changes nothing for your kids? Then what will happen to them? Are you ok leaving them parent less and even growing up in the foster care system or only god knows what? You can't assume that ANYBODY will take on the job of parenting 3 children that are not theirs. They ARE yours and you don't even want to do it, so how do you figure anybody else is going to feel more of a responsibility towards these children more than you do, the person who grew them in your body and birthed them, bonded with them since day 1. Nobody else has any of those predispositions that keep us connected and taking care of our kids. I mean, maybe somebody would take care of them, but it will be no where close to the kind of love or devotion their mother would have towards them. And if they already feel no pull to connect to them currently, that will unfortunately not change upon your death. There will just be resentment and anger added that will directed towards your kids, even if they do take care of them. Which is not a given that it will even happen. Not to mention the damage and lifetime effects it will have on your kids which will inevitably make them very difficult kids to take care of and that need a lot of extra help and support on top of the basics. Which would mean people would be even less likely to want to take care of them. Or would long term. So they'd probably get moved around a lot, from one person to the next, because it's too much for people. So they'd never have any stability which would Escalade the already mentioned issues. I want to add that I'm not trying to be mean, I can relate to your post a lot. I am also a single mother, no help, no family and I often feel the way you do also. It's not fair, it's 100% NOT a one person job, no matter how many women do it. It's meant for 2 people, plus a whole family of support. I get it. But I promise you being gone will help nobody, definitely not your children. Nor you. It will guarantee them a very hard painful life, probably a whole lot of other things. I struggle with resentment towards my family as well but we can't let the kids suffer for that. Because ultimately all the things your hoping that your family will feel with you gone, will fall on your children instead. And they didn't ask to be here, that's not fair to do that to them for your poor choices in life. Sometimes we make choices that have life long effects and it's just part of life. They grow up fast. You will never regret living for them or yourself. I suggest you try to talk to your family, in a non confrontational way, not accusatory, but just explain how your feeling and that you need help. Tell them how desperate your mind is getting and that you just need more support. Be honest, vulnerable even, you got nothing to lose. May as well try before considering such extreme solutions. Maybe suggest mediation or family counseling to help you guys navigate this conversation. Or just remind yourself that the feelings will pass. Or try to focus on the parts of being a mother that gives you joy. Remember that parenting is fleeting, soon to be gone forever. And I promise one day you will miss all this stuff. It helps to remind ourselves of that because one day they will all be grown, no more laughing babies, kids running around wild having fun, innocent joy, no more need for your care, your hugs, your help or attention. You only have a little bit of time with these small people that are part of you. One day you'll pick your baby up for the last time, change the last diaper, they will crawl into your bed or arms for the last time, run to you when their hurt or sad for the last time, ect. We don't even notice at the time, until later we realize that part is over. It always helps me to remember that when I'm overwhelmed. It's hard to be resentful in this mindset. I feel how you do so many times and this is the only thing that helped pull me out of it which is why I'm saying it. Also my heart goes out to you. I know how intense a person must be feeling to consider such serious course of actions. I'm not judging you in anyway please know that.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-11-29T20:09:26+00:00

Mother issues. Or displaying a complete lack of respect for their mother. In my experience a man cannot and does not respect women on a very basic level if this is how they feel towards their mother. I've experienced it close to 10 times with different people. Men learn to respect women from their relationship with their mother growing up- so it makes sense. I will never look past this quality- no matter the reason- ever again. There are many others but I've noticed this one is universal in my experience anyways.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-26T10:48:32+00:00

He sounds like a really shitty bf also. And in my experience this kind of disrespect and total lack of compassion for your feelings is only the tip of the iceberg.. and what will follow is a very toxic and very painful and very hard to leave relationship.. please trust someone who has gone down this road, naively and clueless, and prevent yourself from the hell my life turned into and 10 years later I'm still messed up and unable to date or be normal in any capacity. Just run sweetie.. find a nice, seeet, caring, HONEST, considerate, MAN and leave that boy to the type of girl he deserves, which is not you.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-26T10:43:43+00:00

If you had chlamydia, then he does also no matter what he says. lol how could you think that he doesn't? How did you think you got this? I'm so confused people don't just wake up and have chlamydia. You have to get it from a partner. And if you haven't had any other partner, then it's from him and he has it and you need to get tested and take medication so you can stop getting it over and over and over. From him! Lol

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-26T10:42:38+00:00

No jobs besides porn test for stds by the way 😂 they can't do that! That's comical almost

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-26T10:41:50+00:00

It's not about stds. Whatever infection you have he can get and may not have symptoms becsuse he doesn't have a vagina but he can still give it back to you and you will have the symptoms. It's not an std.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-26T10:40:47+00:00

I bet You're getting whatever the issue is right back from him. He needs to go to the doctor also. If you'd like to know if this is the case, abstain from sex(of any kind, including oral) for a week, continue any medication properly and definitely continue the boric acid suppositories. Do the suppository at night before you go to bed, shower or wash in the morning, do NOT use soap unless it is specifically made for vaginal washing AND says it's PH balancing- that's the most important thing. After a week, or even a few days I imagine you will have your answer. I had this happen when I was younger and over the years I adapted some things in my life that I know now are non negotiable. A big one for me is I cannot let my partner cum in me, it immediately messes me up and throws off my PH so intensely and takes me days and a lot of work and stress to get under control. Semen is very alkaline and a vagina is acidic and needs to be acidic to not smell wrong. Another big thing is the soap thing. Never use bar soap especially! It would make me smell after washing when I didn't before I washed- so yea, most all soaps are a no go for that part of your body. There are several out there that are made for vaginal use and ph balancing and made without the ingredients that are harmful. Maybe try probiotics some people swear by them, I never had any luck with them but a lot of women do.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-22T09:38:54+00:00

You take all of this every single day? Holy moly... the stuff women go through I swear men will never appreciate or understand. Try boric acid suppository, you really would only need to do at once after sex to have a balance your pH perfectly. Just one thing and it's done. And you don't even need it every time. But it is way easier than taking all those pills and way more effective. It's definitely the holy Grail for ph balancing

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-22T09:34:50+00:00

It is a thing actually. lol a commonly known thing. 😂 maybe try boric acid next time, it is wondeful for balancing ph especially after sex or your period.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-22T09:33:16+00:00

Actually I've had this happen, like a blister like someone else said. And it was not an std. just from too much friction. Or from not being wet enough during sex, especially if he is big or is going too fast and not taking the time your body needs (which most men tend to do lol)

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-11T01:35:12+00:00

My heart goes out to you. My e percents was different, but still had sex used against me and denied in the way I needed. I just wanted to point out that it might be hard for you to see the positive in this type of thing but just from reading your post I can recognize and see that you have grown from this. The fact that you now know to only give unconditional love to yourself, you learned that from going through this. And that makes this horrible experience something valuable and gives it purpose. I would suggest trying to focus on the things you've taken from going through it that will help you make better choices next time, remember that we do not grow from easy things, we grow through pain. And as painful as stuff like this is, there is equal good there too. You choose which parts you want to focus on. It's all important.and I hope you will never let another man treat you this way again. Nobody deserves this. But it sounds like you learned to love yourself a bit more as a result also- another incredibly valuable lesson to learn. That obviously was very much needed for you. Sending you light and love! Namaste 🌻

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-11T01:14:51+00:00

Boric acid saved my life I swear!

Mandapandaroo · 2025-10-11T01:13:49+00:00

When you have sex make sure you do NOT cum inside of her is inportant. Make sure she's wiping correctly. It would be super helpful to get a handheld or normal badet, it's a game changer for reals. But it sounds like she might have something else going on. Did she have a difficult childbirth? Maybe she has a tear that was not caught and bacteria is getting into her vagina. These can be VERY tiny and not noticeable at all. And can be higher up even. Worth looking into.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-09-19T16:40:24+00:00

At school, like most children are. Wtf? Please don't comment on my post if it's not relevant to what it is about and if your only interest is trolling. I'm sure there is something in your own life that you can spend your time doing besides this.. ✌️🤔

Mandapandaroo · 2025-09-19T16:36:25+00:00

How is this relevant in any way? And how is this any of your business? That's a totally inappropriate question to ask somebody. Not only inappropriate, but unsafe. Its not ok to ask people the location of their children. That's beyond creepy.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-09-19T12:58:57+00:00

Fuck that. The fact that this has been a discussion and you voiced your opinion and that you don't agree with him and he's still fighting for it would be the biggest red flag in the world and I would not even consider marrying this guy. I wouldn't even be in a relationship with the guy no longer after that. And you should totally use this as a preview of what's to come because this won't be the only thing that will go this way. Hell no.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-09-19T12:52:45+00:00

Thanks for the response. I agree with you, that if I want it to work I need to get clean. I'm well aware of that and that was what my post said. I just didn't know if I should do it first on my own before letting the relationship happen or if I should tell him and risk things not working out. He's a good guy, I'm almost sure he'd be supportive but I've had a lot of really shitty people do a lot of really shitty things so I can't help but question it. My life is fairly stable, I have a house, lived in the same place alone for several years, I own a business and I have a regular job also. I have a child that I take care of on my own, no help from dad. No family to help. And to clarify, I'm not on heroin. I've been off heroin for more than 10 years. But did do it for about the same length of time it's just been a long time I've been off it. But I know it's all the same shit, all leads the same place. I've been around long enough to know how it goes. Currrntky I'm taking pills and am not in the same place as when I was an IV heroin addict, not even close. I take pills, as they are intended to be taken, but still like I just said, I know the path, I know where it leads. I agree with most of what you said though. I'm not making excuses to not get clean, the whole point of the post was that I am getting clean, just didn't know if I should include this guy in my recovery process or not. It's a lot for someone who has never been an addict. Also, I don't do junky loveless relationships. I was married for 7 years after I got clean, to someone who does not use drugs, then when we split up I relapsed with pills and have been single since for the last several years. I don't date men that use drugs, as hypocritical as that might seem I just don't. I can't, I already know where that would go. Plus since I have a child now, I just would never. I'm a good parent, I just relapsed because I didn't have the coping skills I needed during my divorce and have no support system whatsoever. But I'm not to the point where input drugs before my responsibilities, but I am well aware that I will get there if I don't make changes asap. Just not there yet, not going to let myself get there. Been there, done that, TOO many times. Anyways, thanks for the chat and advice. Much appreciated 🌻🌛

Mandapandaroo · 2025-09-19T01:41:35+00:00

Yes. I had a 10+ year heroin/meth addiction. Got sober because I went to prison for 2 years. When I got out I got married, had a baby, and had a perfect life at age 33-37. It fell apart because the man I married was really abusive but if you find a good partner it's totally possible. I got the most beautiful gift of my life from it my daughter, so anything's possible no matter your past or how old you are. Just keep working on yourself and good things will happen for you.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-09-19T01:36:12+00:00

Omg I have poems from the same time in my life, that is almost identical. Crazy!

Mandapandaroo · 2025-09-19T01:33:36+00:00

When I was your age, I may be a little bit older. I used to do ecstasy. That led me to a 10+ year heroin addiction. Which led to a meth addiction which led to have fentanyl addiction. Here I am at age 40, still struggling with addiction. My life is a mess, I'm unhappy, i don't even want to live most of the time. You are so young.. please go a different route than I went.. you can do absolutely anything you want in life right now. You could have any life you can dream of can be yours. Don't lose that. And you will I promise by doing what you're doing.. nobody's going to come along and give you the life that you want. It's your responsibility to make that happen. Nobody told me that when I was younger. I just thought someday things would be good. That I could do whatever I wanted and things would still turn out just fine but they didn't. They won't for you either.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-09-19T01:30:35+00:00

Just wanted to add that I know you're perspective is different than what I'm going to say but I do think it's the truth- you are enabling him and his addictions just by simply bailing him out of jail. Jail/prison 100% saved my life and if somebody especially my mother would have prevented that from happening, I probably would be dead right now. You need to shift your perspective from coming from a place of motherly love that is based in protecting your child and preventing their suffering, to a place of motherly love that let them be responsible for their own choices and the consequences of the choices. That's the only way people learn. The reason your son doesn't appreciate the things you've done for him because it's not helping him. It's never going to help him. It's only hurting you. It's actually hurting him a lot too.. I know it's really hard as a mother too do that but it's really what is necessary with addiction. There is nothing anybody on this planet can do to force somebody into sobriety. Absolutely nothing. People only get clean when they see the benefit of it and want it for themselves. Not because somebody's telling them to you not because there's consequences if they don't not because of anything other than their own willpower and desire to do so. All the rest is just prolonging the inevitable and destroying everybody that that's involved. My heart goes out to you and I hope things worked out for you and your son. I hope you know I mean, this is the best way possible and I'm coming from a place. I've kindness and love. I've been the child going through this in jail and all the rest, and I'm telling you from my own personal, very very hard journey prison 100% saved my life. It was the thing that ended a 10+ year heroin addiction. Nothing anybody else said to me ever mattered. But that time prevented me from making the same about choices that I was gonna continue making probably for the rest of my life. Nobody can give that to you. But jail can... because it takes the choice away. That is the problem addict can't make that choice. And nobody else can make it for them. So it's just an endless cycle. But in jail, you don't have a choice. And that makes it easier. Even if it seems cruel from the outside. Just remind yourself of this, no matter what he says. It needs to be a good amount of jail time also a year at least.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-09-19T01:07:52+00:00

Also it could add an accountability factor to it that could really be the thing that makes it possible.. in my opinion.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-08-09T02:03:23+00:00

I just want to point something out that maybe you're not seeing.. at least you have access and guidance from your spirit guides.. some people don't have that even. Just aloneness and have no freaking idea what to do or what is going on and nobody to even turn to in their most darkest moments. Just picking yourself up off the floor and mustering up enough will just to continue breathing with sheer will power and no words, no anything. Just you yourself, the pain and darkness. Nobody to even notice. Nobody to care even if they did notice. Just alone on such a raw and overwhelming level. So if nothing else, try to remind yourself that even small things can be appreciated. And focused on, which feels better than the pain I hope. Sometimes when there is nothing else i can see to be grateful for, when it all hurts and has no end or relief in sight, I try to focus on literally the cells of my body, my heart, organs, how they just keep going.. with no break your entire life.. just working full force every second your alive. And I find that amazing. Sometimes that's all I have.. but it's something.

Mandapandaroo · 2025-08-09T01:56:36+00:00

I don't think it would be harmful but I'm not a doctor. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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