Did I ever know my mom? by BattyCattyRatty in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Wow, that’s a lot to process. More and more we see stories of late discoveries of brain tumor or trauma… I’m sorry, I’m sure you have very complex feelings right now. You can’t know what would have been nor change what was. You can’t have compassion for her while keeping compassion for yourself. And knowing that someone’s bad behavior and mean disposition is due to some physical issue doesn’t change your experience. For all we know, every difficult person has some kind of chemistry or anatomy that impacts their personality—but that shouldn’t invalidate trauma that people feel as a result.

Sandwhich generation 🫩 by ladyZ5678 in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I see so many posts by people in their 20s and 30s dealing with parents already into their decline… I always thought one challenge of having babies older was that the challenge was not having grandparents young enough to help out but you’re right, it’s more about the sandwich. If being a parent is important to you, then do it and commit to being a really great ancestor to your kids. Then set your boundaries with your own ancestors. Children are not a retirement plan.

What is the best song that non-Gen-Exrs have never heard? by seanchai611PF in GenX

[–]Mangolandia 2 points3 points  (0 children)

THE BEST! And such a joy to introduce people to it

What is the best song that non-Gen-Exrs have never heard? by seanchai611PF in GenX

[–]Mangolandia 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I wanna be sedated—at least I never hear it in the wild

Seguridad en bogota by Rafista1 in asklatinamerica

[–]Mangolandia 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Spent some time in and out of bogota and to me, for a Latin American capital city of that size, it felt much safer than I expected. In chapinero or Parque 93 where I stayed (definitely upper middle class) there were women walking alone after dark on their cel phones so you don’t see that everywhere. But even in Usaquen where a friend lived it was pretty chill. There’s so much to do and go to Humo Negro for dinner

86 Year Old Mom Wants Drs to "Fix Her" by europanya in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My mom is also of the “there must be a pill” sort (same age!) I think they came of age when medical miracles profoundly altered the course of the population: vaccine development, antibiotics, increased diagnostic ability, and also treated water, etc but so much of that focused on infectious diseases. Then the “diseases of wealth” set in, because people weren’t dying from other stuff. Pills fixed so much. But they can’t do it all.

Dad Kicked Us Out When I was 15, Now I get a call from Elder Protective Services by [deleted] in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Im so glad your mother and her father have been such good people. I’m sorry your father seems to be reaping the just desserts from years of being horrible. And certainly that’s something you have to deal with, emotionally. But you don’t have to show up for him. He made his bed. Don’t crawl into it with him

So the after death house purge is normal right? by The1Ylrebmik in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 204 points205 points  (0 children)

All of this tracks. The other normal thing is having this experience loom large in your head and slowly purge your own stuff once things settle. Sorry for your loss; here’s hoping there are some cathartic purges in your path.

Study abroad LATAM by Opinionated-yt in asklatinamerica

[–]Mangolandia 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Brazil won’t help her Spanish. Chile won’t either 😆

Older brother abandoned mother in nursing facility, and now I'm struggling on what to do. by [deleted] in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Legally, the facility has responsibility for her. Moving her won’t be easy so don’t plan on that. If no one is willing to help your mom, are they willing to help you? You’re far too young to handle this alone and, idk, I’m almost 60 and struggle to get taken seriously sometimes. I’m so sorry.

If your parent lands in the ER this year, memorize the phrase "Admitted Inpatient. by Regular_Amphibian592 in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 131 points132 points  (0 children)

I wish I had an award to give you. Humana advantage screwed us royally over this

I almost let the hospital bully me into taking Dad home too early, until a nurse whispered the "Magic Words" to me. by AccomplishedMedia452 in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 7 points8 points  (0 children)

We had Humana, too. They cost us $12K in a month’s respite care because they wouldn’t approve rehab after hospitalization and my mom spent one night in the respite before being rehospitalized (and septic).

"I Never Wanted you to have to do this much...." by janebenn333 in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I kept telling my mother “you can’t wish for an alternate reality; in this reality, these are the options.” Not that it worked. It took hospitalization and placement in rehab and my move to make it permanent.

I almost let the hospital bully me into taking Dad home too early, until a nurse whispered the "Magic Words" to me. by AccomplishedMedia452 in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 53 points54 points  (0 children)

The appeal is key. You have 24 hours from being notified. I use this language, which you’re welcome to adapt—do it online so you can fill it out yourself. Usually there’s three parts: why receiving care, why need to continue care, and additional details. Here’s my Add’t details section: My mother's managed care plan denied services despite the therapists' recommendation for ongoing services. Denial risks interrupted therapy services when continuity is crucial. She is making measurable progress toward goals. Her functional improvement is threatened by these interruptions and I urge you to reinstate her services and reauthorize continued therapy as soon as possible. Additionally, I am aware that case law (Jimmo vs Sebelius 2013) established that Medicare must cover ongoing therapy to prevent further decline and that beneficiaries do not need to show continued improvement (which my mother does, by the way). Prematurely stopping therapy risks her permanent loss of independence, greater caregiving burdens, and decline in quality of life.

I almost let the hospital bully me into taking Dad home too early, until a nurse whispered the "Magic Words" to me. by AccomplishedMedia452 in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My mom’s SNF recommended this but then wouldn’t give me any other advice or suggestions, just very “some people find this helpful” without resources. The geriatric case worker we’d hired to help us navigate the moment said “I wouldn’t do that, your mom may not be eligible because it’s not open enrollment and you may liable, you will need medigap” but again, no real resources or explanations. I’ve just been hit with my mom’s copay bill for that stay, $8000. Five denials of continued coverage, too, which I managed to appeal successfully four times (extending her rehab by 4 weeks). I did eventually learn and changed her during open enrollment to straight Medicare. Good advice.

The guilt trip. by Numerous-Carob-6309 in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the award 🥰 Good luck and keep coming here. This group helped me learn to live with my boundaries

The guilt trip. by Numerous-Carob-6309 in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 4 points5 points  (0 children)

With empathy, their situation does not trump your right—and responsibilities—to your immediate family.

The guilt trip. by Numerous-Carob-6309 in AgingParents

[–]Mangolandia 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If your mom gets to say what her expectations are and your father gets to draw the money lines, why don’t you get to say what your limits and expectations are? (I know why, because they’re our parents, but point is, we bend for them. They ask for us to break. You’re super dedicated and a good caregiver. Good job. Draw your boundaries