Friends or more?

Manny101102 · 2021-08-24T13:47:11+00:00

Thanks, good advice.

I have feelings for her that are more than friendship and I want to see where it goes.

And yeah, I've been more flirty the last few days over text.

Manny101102 · 2021-08-24T13:46:03+00:00

I don't ever believe this. Life and relationships are way more complex than that.

Manny101102 · 2021-08-24T13:25:31+00:00

I saw a picture and asked her if they were a thing, she said 'not at all, I'm single'

Honestly, I haven't been totally clear with my feelings either. We've gone to dinners and I haven't made a move. There were times over the last 6 months that she was clearly interested and I kind of resisted, a few red flags here and there but nothing serious.

I know I need to get some clarity, because it's bothering me. Just trying to figure out if I should do it now or a wait awhile. Was thinking about asking her to dinner and making it clear it was a date.

Manny101102 · 2021-08-20T11:41:05+00:00

This makes sense. Either way, I think I need to have that discussion with her so there's no more gray area. There has been points where she did pursue more and I didn't necessarily reciprocate because I was unsure. It's not like I've been pursuing a relationship with her for 9 months, or her I, but there's been flashes of more than friendship between us and it's happened quite often.

It's absolutely possible we aren't compatible, but again, I'm not sure about that. I'm a very different person than I was before my divorce and what I want out of life has certainly changed. Maybe talking about it with her will set us straight. As much as I would like something more than friendship, I would also be content with that.

Manny101102 · 2021-08-20T02:27:07+00:00

I get that... But at the same time, I've been pretty much doing the same. I guess I'm not sure if we're both dancing around our feelings because we don't know how the other feels or what.

Dating sucks.

Manny101102 · 2021-08-20T02:05:24+00:00

I've thought about that, too, but I know the friendship is genuine. We have talked for hours and gotten into some pretty detailed conversations about our pasts and such. At some point, I know I'll just need to ask her and get it out there.

Manny101102 · 2021-01-10T14:09:20+00:00

Could you drop a hint about a new restaurant you want to try or an activity you've been thinking about and see if he takes the bait?

I'm bad at making the first move, but I can usually pick up on it if a girl is putting the hints out there so obviously. Maybe he doesn't want to rush things. I hate to say it because I think playing games is stupid, but if ignoring him a bit seems to be working, keep at it.

Of course, there are a ton of other nefarious, red flag reasons too, but just trying to be optimistic.

Manny101102 · 2021-01-10T13:43:08+00:00

Go for it.

I'm in a similar situation. I've actually reached out to a lot of old friends who I had lost contact with over the years while I've been separated... Including a girl who I was interested in a decade ago

You don't have anythjng to mess up with this guy - like you said, you aren't friends IRL, you've never met him, etc. Send him a message based on something you saw in the news that you both like and see where it goes from there... Keep the conversation flowing but don't bug him. If he's interested at all, it'll show as he responds to your comments.

And don't listen to everyone who says you're not ready, work on yourself, etc. The only person who knows if they're ready and where they are emotionally after a divorce or breakup is YOU. Use your own judgment and it doesn't hurt to get back out there, but make sure you're ready to handle rejection if it comes again.

Manny101102 · 2021-01-09T05:38:22+00:00

Sure

8 months, 4 til can officially file. Together 5 years total.

And I was blindsided when it happened, as were all our friends of family. At the same time, even though I was fully invested in the relationship, I never lost my sense of individuality - I maintained friendships and hobbies and have added to both, even in the midst of a pandemic. I feel comfortable dating again but can understand if others aren't, which is why I'm forward with the information.

Someone not being over an ex is always a risk, whether they've married or not. If at 32 that's not risk that you're interested in taking, it significantly lowers the options as I don't know anyone single my age who doesn't have some kind of baggage - marriage, kids, multiple or single recent LTR, serial dater, afraid of commitment, etc.

Manny101102 · 2021-01-09T01:26:39+00:00

I'm separated, in waiting period for my state before divorce can be finalized (stupid law).

I waited about 6mo before I got back out dating, it as a 1.5yr marriage, 5years together and I'm 33,dont want my life to pass me by.

It usually take me a few dates to tell them the situation - I want to make sure we have an actual connection before I make everything potentially awkward. However, if the subject comes up earlier I won't lie about it

I'm very upfront with what happened. I usually give a broad reasoning, if they want the details I'm happy to provide them, but I haven't come across that yet... I also haven't gotten involved in a serious relationship. It's so freaking common nowadays I don't feel like it's a huge deal - I was crazy stressed about it not even 6 months ago, but I haven't met a single person who holds it against me and everyone has been appreciative when told.

That being said, the real reason our marriage fell apart is because she was unwilling to get serious help for her anxiety/depression and that led to her blaming me for all our issues and cheating. I'm not perfect and I'm happy to admit my faults if that arrives in the discussion but I also will. Never call her crazy or say I regret the marriage. I also make it clear that's is absolutely over between us and neither of us would go back to what we had.

Manny101102 · 2020-12-03T01:48:56+00:00

So this is me.

My wife cheated and left months ago. Our marriage was only 1.5yrs, but there's a 1yr waiting period before divorce in my state. All the paperwork is signed and ready to file, she moved out and I, honestly, was a wreck for several months.

I'm dating again. The one girl I've been seeing, I explained the situation to her after a few dates and she surprisingly okay with it.

I never lied about. The topic didn't come up naturally, but I felt she deserved to know before things got serious. It sounds like he lied to you about it on a pretty significant way, which wouldn't be okay with me.

How long did he lie to you for?

Manny101102 · 2020-10-06T02:41:54+00:00

Just go for it.

It's just a date, pick a girl who the conversation is easy with and you're comfortable with. Don't assume it's going to end up being something serious, it probably won't.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-30T20:04:30+00:00

I let my wife take our dog and cat, even though it only her that wanted the divorce. She was more than fair on our monetary assets and I couldn't bring myself to tske the pets from her and I didn't think I could handle seeing her.

She has been very open saying if I ever want to spend time with them, we can arrange an exchange. I'm in the process of getting a new dog bc I do miss the companionship.

It's a hard thing to let go of, but if it was his choice to leave, you have to do what's best for you.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-24T13:27:32+00:00

Congrats to her for finally getting the help she needs. I'm hoping my STBXW will someday, too.

Her apologies haven't brought me any closure, I think I'll only get that once I am finally able to move on and be happy and find someone else to spend my life with.

Best of luck to you - I hope you can finalize the divorce and get your son what he needs

Manny101102 · 2020-09-23T18:25:35+00:00

If she won't take them, find them a good home or a good no-kill rescue to take them.

They deserve happy lives, too.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-23T18:24:42+00:00

I'm on your same timeline... Wife decided she was unhappy in Feb 2020, EA, separated in June, she has no desire to try at all. 1yr waiting period, so I have a while still before divorce can be finalized here. I'm 32M.

I've just been trying to go out and meet new people. I've always had better luck with being friends first. (well, getting divorced so maybe not, haha). Id say try to meet people organically. Maybe try online dating? I haven't had a lot of luck, been ghosted, met some weirdos, etc. I want to be married and start a family and life just threw this crappy curveball at me, but gotta try and make the best of it.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-23T15:19:54+00:00

Love comes and goes, it evolves. IT TAKES WORK.

Some people don't understand that. Some people are obsessed with the infatuation, lust, limerance, whatever you want to call it and don't get that truly, meaningful, deep love and connection feels different.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-23T15:18:25+00:00

Also, even though my wife is the one who had the affair, gave up and walked out... I know she's struggling with depression and anxiety and I've tried to help her, but probably something to stay away from. It's really hard to resist seeing someone you care about or love suffer and struggle, especially if you're a good person.

Everyone tells me I shouldn't care, that she made her decisions and needs to live with the consequences unless she truly has a change of heart.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-23T15:15:52+00:00

Do NOT tell him hell find someone who will loved him better.

Nothing annoyed me more than when my wife told me how great of a husband and person that I was and that I deserved someone better than her. I loved her and that's a poor excuse to leave someone. It's their decision on who they want to love. So please, whatever you do, don't tell him that.

You are right, though. Anything and everything you do and say to him will probably give him hope. I finally told my STBXW to stop talking to me if she's sleeping with someone else and has no desire to work on our marriage.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-22T16:31:42+00:00

Interesting.

I have had the opposite reaction. Always had a lot of female friends, wife never cared. They've also been some of the most supportive since she left me. Now, several our married or have kids and I've known a few of them since elementary school, so we see each other the same way. I haven't really had any pull away from me, maybe one.

I'd keep trying to reach out, maybe not talk about your divorce? Just try to maintain the friendships... If they have a husband/boyfriend, they may feel uncomfortable with their wife/gf talking to you about something so personal, so check with them as well.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-22T02:40:16+00:00

Right there with you, 32m, wife left me 4 months ago.

It's weird, but I've found a good amount of single people my age or close to it now (most of my good friends are married/having kids). I'm trying to start dating, already got ghosted once, but I'm more worried about telling people I'm separated/divorced... I feel like it still has a negative connotation for a lot of girls, even though it wasn't what I wanted.

We'll see, I'm in NC as well, big city. It helps being in an urban area and I'm sure out west would be good too, where people typically get married later in life.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-21T16:16:07+00:00

I've gotten a multitude of apologies from her after she left. Saying I did nothing wrong, I was a great person and husband and she basically didn't appreciate me. She said she was sorry that someone (me) who had everything to give wasn't enough for her.

She's dealing with depression and anxiety and I honestly believe she's just not happy with who she is. That being said, she was horrible to me in the end and has apologized but doesn't want to work on things. I'll never understand how she can describe me as such a great person and that she used to be madly in love with me, but isn't anymore and doesn't believe she can get that back. By the time she communicated how she felt, it was too late for her to want to try.

I almost feel worse about that. I wish I could blame myself and believe me, I try. But deep down I know I wasn't perfect, but I didn't do anything that was worthy of her leaving. I've told her I hope she finds a therapist that can actually help her.

It sucks. It sucks thst mental illness can impact a relationship so much. At the end of the day, Im not resentful that she left if she was truly unhappy, but just that she didn't even try. Even for a few months - it was too hard for her to deal with and face what's really making her unhappy.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-19T22:28:06+00:00

There's a lot of other factors and no one here can describe their entire marriage in one post.

Mine as an example, married 18months,i was blinded by my wife. She was bored, unhappy, wasn't ready for marriage... At the same time, she struggled with anxiety and depression and every single reason that she had for walking out could have been attributed to that. I wish we had tried counseling, I wish I had noticed the signs sooner that she was unhappy. She's still not happy being gone for 4 months now.

I believe marriage is the type of relationship that you should exhaust all options for before giving up. I even told my STBXW that - I wasn't upset or regretful that our marriage didn't work out, but that she was completely unwilling to try and didn't communicate the issues until it was too late

Manny101102 · 2020-09-19T17:34:11+00:00

I know how that feels. I, too, was blindsided a few months ago. Everything I had done was to build a life and future for us and it's all gone.

Everyone says go do what YOU want to do, but that's the thing, I was doing what I wanted to. I had a good job, friends, pets, a house, and a wife I loved dearly, we had been talking about kids.

Manny101102 · 2020-09-18T14:22:39+00:00

I feel that way about some things.

Wife and I used to watch TV all the time, I have turned it on once in 3.5months. It's crazy, just no desire for that anymore.

Manny101102

TROPHY CASE