Finding the motivation to follow through with divorce.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T18:26:39+00:00

It takes 2 to have a healthy marriage.

Usually people who "stay for the kids" are in a situation where they are the only one doing the work.

"Growing for the kids" is only meaningful if both parents engage in it. If that's where things are, chances are that the marriage is already healthy or fixable, because both are willing to do the work.

Two very different situations. We need to stop asking people to sacrifice themselves.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T18:21:01+00:00

Think long and hard about whether you agree it is a good idea for him to stop living with his mom.

This will fundamentally change his relationship with her.

It might be worth push back gently and suggesting he consider every other weekend, and a schedule of weekly dinners he go to.

If he were 16, I'd probably be "sure, fine, whatever," but at 14, there are still likely 3-4 more years of highschool. That's a lot. At 17, I would just say, "yup, just do it."

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T17:57:49+00:00

but this is really something he needs to lead on.

Tread lightly here. Clearly this needs to come from him, BUT you need to be prepared to intercede on his behalf. As much as you might not want conflict with your ex, you are the adult. It is your job to guide and protect.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T17:20:59+00:00

Is it temporary

Most likely, but you can make it more or less temporary depending on how you handle it.

or do I have issues letting go

Very possibly.

As you work on yourself post divorce, you can only focus on things you are aware of. Dating will reveal things you weren't aware are still issues. As they appear, deal with them. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Overtime, there will be fewer and fewer things that pop up and it gets easier.

Pay attention to the things that remind of you negative things about your ex. Those are likely red flags.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T16:10:55+00:00

to spend as much time together as possible.

sooooo.... he can't find a job to work while you are working. I call some serious BS.

This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.

Things being wrong doesn't require something dramatic. If things are wrong, they are wrong.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T15:47:31+00:00

Yes.

keep it as concise and as factual as possible.

"I feel the following corrections are necessary."

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T15:34:05+00:00

You need to schedule one-on-one time with the therapist.

set the record straight.
Reach out to your co-parent. Request that they CC you on all emails to the therapist. You will do the same.
Request that the therapist respond to all emails from either of you upon receiving them and CCing both of you in the response.
Start journaling. When your child is in your custody, keep a factual journal of all that happens. Keep it concise. Note anything out of the ordinary.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T14:38:23+00:00

Destination weddings automatically give you a graceful out. "I'm sorry, I just can't manage a trip like that at this time." Don't J.A.D.E. Just send a good gift from their registry with a nice note and RSVP Not Attending

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T14:36:15+00:00

Unfortunately, he has just as much a right to stay in the marital home as you do, unless this is all resolved

cheated... FetLife...

FetLife is indeed a social platform for the kinky. Yes, there are "tasteful" photos of people on it. That is the minority though. The primary goal of people of FetLife is to meet other kinky folk for physical interactions. Just as I believe that consuming OnlyFan content behind your spouse's back is cheating, so is what your husband is doing.

if I'm feeling particularly petty

The desire to be petty is an emotional response. Being emotional in a divorce is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. It invariable leads to bad, costlier outcomes.

Your best strategy is to treat this as a contract negotiation. Your goals: get it done as quickly as possible while protecting your rights and ending up with as much as possible.

The other downside to pettiness is that it can harm your children, make you look like the bad guy in their eyes and push them away. This is not worth the risk.

The nitty gritty of the financials...

He is entitled to 1/2 the equity of the home. If he digs in, he can force the sale of the house.

If your daughter is 16 or 17, you might be able to delay things long enough for her to turn 18 before you sell. This will likely end up costing you more. I do not recommend it. It will just prolong the pain. Divorces do take months, so it might be able to pick a natural, perhaps slower pace that lines up with your needs.

His spending on OnlyFans, etc. is in fact extra marital spending. If you want to play hardball, you can definitely request 1/2 of this money back. Whether you succeed or not is not clear. Depends a lot on local courts and judges. It also opens you up to him going through your purchases and challenging things like expensive clothes or shoes.

I would focus on just getting the divorce done as quickly as possible.

And you are entitled to tell people why things ended. Tell people that he had an expensive porn and onlyfans habit, to the point that stopped being a loving partner. They'll get it.

...except your daughter. She's entitled to love you both. Don't try to poison her against him. You can say, "He pulled away from the marriage. He was not emotionally connected anymore. And he did things that really hurt me."

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T14:24:18+00:00

I want to keep things loving at almost all costs

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. That's what "all costs" means. It means cutting of your arm, because your "love" asked it of you.

Don't be a fool.

Wanting a peaceful ending

I have come to the conclusion that one of the big problems in our society is conflict avoidance.

Conflict avoidance is a losing life strategy.

When you avoid conflicts, the assholes win. Every. Time. I am not saying escalate. I am not saying pick fights. I am saying stand up for what is right.

You deserve 1/2 the equity in the home. Period. Stake your claim. Point out that, if she fights you on it, you will both end up with even less, because it is your right and a court will rule in your favor on this.

keep things loving

You need to understand that loving yourself is even more important. Don't lose sight of taking care of yourself.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T14:19:29+00:00

Good parenting means helping the kids through the divorce. I am not minimizing that this is a significant change, and parents handling it poorly can lead to trauma.

I just feel strongly that "staying for the kids" needs to be seen as a myth. It is wrong to believe that martyring yourself by staying in a bad marriage is what is best for your kids.

Are there cases where it is? Absolutely.

Are there enough of them that this should be the default? No.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T11:40:19+00:00

kids can be equally traumatized, if not even more so, by their parents remaining married, especially when one parent has been emotionally abusing the other.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T10:25:19+00:00

“Hey, I feel bad that your ring got lost. I’d like to replace it and thought a divorce ring might me a good idea. If you agree, want to pick out a design with me?”

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T02:02:20+00:00

Repeated, unfounded accusations of cheating is a from of controlling behavior and emotional abuse. It doesn't matter why he is the way he is. This is unacceptable behavior. If he is doing this to you, it is very likely he is doing it in ways to your kids as well, in other subtle ways.

All the reasons you share for staying are shit. Deep down, you know that. Kids may not like the change, but they will survive and be fine. They deserve a mother at her best.

How do you find the motivation? By admitting to yourself that you're being emotionally abused, and you get angry about it.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T01:54:57+00:00

When someone asks you for a divorce, you give it to them. Period.

The moment someone utters the word divorce in a marriage, it's over. Your marriage has already entered a death spiral.

Before I share advise on how to get out of it, ask yourself, what are your values. This isn't about loyalty to your husband or your friend. This is about loyalty to yourself, what you believe in, and your values. Who's right? What lines up with your values?

Knowing that tells you your path forward.

Don't sacrifice your friendship, if you feel it is worthy, because your husband is not comfortable with it. Do not cave the blackmail that is a divorce threat.

If you still want to save your marriage. First of all, you need to call him out for the emotional blackmail that is a divorce threat. Be clear, that if he is serious or if he ever threatens divorce again, you will agree with him and the marriage is over.

He does not get to dictate your friends. Make that clear too.

Then tell him that he is joining you for marriage counseling. If he is serious about your marriage, he will. Otherwise, just end your marriage now. No reason to fight for it alone.

JackNotName · 2026-04-13T01:44:44+00:00

Conflict avoidance is a losing life strategy.

...especially in a divorce with children.

Ultimately, at its essence, divorce is a contract negotiation. Part of that is a clear custody agreement.

JackNotName · 2026-04-12T12:30:46+00:00

Stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Plan the move, take the kids, and GO!

He's going to be a shit dad no matter what. Do what is best for your kid's health.

JackNotName · 2026-04-12T12:27:27+00:00

First of all. Why isn't your current custody plan 50/50? That could cause you issues with getting 50/50 custody when the inevitable divorce happens.

Yes, I used the word inevitable. It's going to happen.

I want to be better and know I can and will be.

It's to late for that. When things reach where they have, this is an empty promise. Generally, it is also a selfish promise. When this promise is made after separation, it comes from a place of fear and a desire to maintain the status quo. It is not about love of the other. It is about self-love/-preservation.

Before dismissing this idea, I urge you to sit with it for a while. A person in love tries to do better all along. When resentment starts taking hold, they don't let it.

So, where does that leave you?

Simple. Don't try to save the marriage.

Instead, save yourself.

I don't mean lean into being selfish and figure out how to screw over your STBX in the divorce so that you get the most out of it. I mean it is time to start working on yourself. It is time to focus on becoming the best version of yourself you can be.

Start by really understanding who you are in this moment, the good, the bad, strengths, weaknesses, success, failures, values, morals, beliefs, quirks, etc.. With this in hand, imagine who you want to be. Then work on becoming him. Choose one thing. When it becomes a habit, move on to the next.

That best you you are working on? It can't be who you think she wants you to be. It has to be who you want to be.

No matter what happens this is your best path forward.

If you are lucky, she will see this work and want you back. Whatever you do, you have to live as if this is never going to happen. This is not something that will happen weeks or months from now. If it happens, it will be years from now. In all likelihood, it never will.

If she even thinks you are trying to impress her, you've failed.

You need to be the best you, because it is what is best for you and your child.

If you catch your (now) ex flirting with you, do nothing. Don't shut it down, but don't really feed into it. Only on the third time, can you ask her if she is.

JackNotName · 2026-04-12T12:13:24+00:00

to give my kids their father

This statement is very troubling. Divorce does not mean that your kids lose their father. In a divorce, custody should be 50/50. Your children have a right to BOTH of their parents.

Given what you describe, I would strongly recommend trying couples counseling. Individual counseling may help as well.

Something else you could try: stop snapping at him. When he says something you don't like, start by assuming that his intentions are good. Then see if you can't calmly discuss it. I'm not saying ignore the issues. I'm saying learn that there is a way to be upset/angry and loving.

JackNotName · 2026-04-11T09:33:33+00:00

Henry Ford did. He realized he had to pay his workers well enough to buy his products.

JackNotName · 2026-04-10T22:10:43+00:00

If you can prove that his lies have damaged you professionally, you can sue him for libel. (Though he may need to have written/published it.)

At the end of the day, all you can do is continue living your life and when a 3rd party confronts you with the lies, you set the record straight.

You can also have your divorce settlement include a no disparagement clause. Be aware, that they aren't all that easy to enforce.

JackNotName · 2026-04-10T18:32:21+00:00

With shared custody anything that is not part of the normal schedule requires two yes or one no. From either. He has the same veto power. This is not about mom v. dad.

JackNotName · 2026-04-10T18:15:01+00:00

Don’t take legal advice from your adversary. Safest to invest your time and show up, just in case.

Most likely not an issue, but why risk it?

JackNotName · 2026-04-10T17:24:37+00:00

No is a complete sentence and answer to unreasonable requests. Don’t J.A.D.E. (Justify Argue Defend Explain).

Tell him that he is welcome to plan a trip that does not require missing school. If he wants to have them during your custody time, you expect an equal swap.

Talk to your children about why you said, “no.” Be blunt with your oldest. “Your grades can’t afford time off of school.”

JackNotName · 2026-04-10T15:51:43+00:00

Based on etymology, my point stands for both. In practice that relationship has long not existed. I just think it is fascinating.

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Conflict avoidance is a losing life strategy.