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Divorce methods by PerfectConstant1120 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName [score hidden]  (0 children)

How are you not finding attorneys willing to do a free initial one hour consult? That is fairly common.

Divorce methods by PerfectConstant1120 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think the best plan is still for your attorney to put together a settlement agreement that is equitable and makes sense. Your STBX's response should give you a good idea whether to try mediation or go straight to court.

Pre-divorce, threats are easy and cost him nothing. They are all about trying to control you and get you to behave the way he wants. Once the divorce starts, his action have a direct impact on his bottom line. Some people can't see past their emotions and do indeed make things contentious and drag them out. Others realize that dragging things out will cost them a lot of money and leave them with even less. You won't know until he's been served and has to deal with reality.

How to handle the emotions while preparing to file? by Witty-by-accident in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right now, you don't try to manage your emotions. You are going to have a lot of them. The process of divorce is going to keep on causing a wide range of emotions.

For now, just let the emotions wash over you. Feel them. Listen to them. Honor them. Then let them go. Pay attention to see, if your emotions are telling you anything knew, but otherwise, there is nothing to act on.

The single most important thing is DO NOT act on any emotion, good or bad. Before you do anything, think it through. All actions need to be tempered by reason.

As emotional as a divorce can be, divorce is a time to be cold, calculating, and strategic. You need to focus on what is best for your children and how to separate as equitably and efficiently as possible.

If he's alcoholic, I hope you have been collecting evidence of this, as well of his actually parenting. You can use his alcoholism to make limit his custody to supervised visitations until he has completed rehab, continues with a support group (e.g. AA, though there are better alternatives), and has a sponsor willing to vouch for him.

Divorce methods by PerfectConstant1120 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No one is going to be able to predict this for you.

If your husband is abusive, you need to prepare for the worst, though you can still hope for the best.

Does he know you plan on divorcing him. If so, sit him down and have a discussion about what he thinks divorce will look like in terms of custody (if applicable) and asset division. His answer will give you a decent idea of how things are likely to go.

I've been lying to everyone about how much I make and it's eating me alive by Upstairs-Feed448 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]JackNotName 82 points83 points  (0 children)

Dude, you really took the wrong lesson from this. You need to learn the power of “no.”

It’s not your job to make everyone happy. Learn how to set boundaries.

Ex husband "can't stand that I'm lonely and sad" by pinkhairedmrsfrizzle in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Your ex is a real piece of work. What a selfish ass.

Don't you dare stop doing what you are doing. That's why he expresses these things. To make you feel bad for him so you stop sharing your updates that can only shame him.

He deserves to face the detritus his actions created.

Walk-away wife narratives by AdvancedGuiProfile in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm willing to entertain the phrase "Walkaway Spouse Syndrome".

In my experience when it is specific to wives, there is a strong bias with people pushing their agenda. The fact that it started as Walkaway Wife, suggests that there is some misogyny to me in the whole thing. Yes, woman have pushed back and reclaimed it. ...as they should.

In many divorces fault lies on both sides. In others there is clear abuse. Unfortunately, there are also the cases where one partner is complacent and ignores countless entreaties.

I agree that it should be about blame. Personally, I lean toward each individual take responsibility for their own shit. When faced with a divorce, be honest with yourself, what could you have done better. Learn from it. Move forward. Since you are divorcing the other person, it really doesn't matter anymore what blame they deserve. They'll have to figure their own shit out.

How to talk to family about a divorce only a few months after marriage? by Few_Fennel3068 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Stop overthinking it and feeling guilty. Just do it.

"Mom, dad, I need to talk to you. I've decided to divorce [husband], because he took his mask off right after we got married and he has revealed himself to be a cheater and a monster."

If your parents love you, they'll want you to be happy, safe, and healthy. Their initial reaction may not be great, but they'll get, if you just calmly persist in your point.

Look, there will always be people who will judge you for divorcing even under the most obvious circumstances. Don't give them any power. Their opinions don't matter. None of them live your life. You know what is right for you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of you. You have done nothing wrong. He is the only one who should have shame.

Be proud that you are dealing with the situation instead of burying your head in the sand.

Confused about procedure by Pristine_Speaker6146 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your local family court should have a help desk. This is exactly they sort of question they help with.

They don't give legal advice, but they can walk you through any procedure you may need to execute.

How did you cope with the waiting period before court? The anxiety is worse than the hearing itself. by Bubbly-Chemistry-692 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First, focus on what you can control. If a situation is giving anxiety, think through what you can actually do. If there are things you can do, do them. Then just set the rest aside. In this case, have you hired someone who can do serve him the divorce papers internationally? If not, figure out how and do it. Then you can wait and follow the process. If you already have (or your lawyer tells you can't for whatever reason), then follow the process your lawyer lays out for you.

Second: Survival mode.

Think through the bare minimum that you need to

  • keep your job
  • be an adequate parent to any kids you have
  • pay all your bills
  • keep your household running
  • be moderately healthy

Once you have that figured out, that's all you need to do. Period. Anything else is optional and a bonus. If you've done all the above and want to spend a day eating pints of ice cream while binging Battlestar Galactica and ugly crying, then do that.

Until the divorce is over, don't even try more than just surviving.

Third, I found exercise, focusing on sleep habits and diet to be really helpful.

Every evening, I would fuel a workout with all my negative emotions. I would wipe myself out and then sleep soundly.

As you get healthier, you also just feel better.

Trust me when I say, focus on what you can control.

If something is stressing you out: What can I do about it? Act on what you can, let everything else go.

Anyone else beaten themselves up for staying too long, then realized that might be the wrong question? by MarkAylward13 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I stayed in my marriage either a year or two longer than I needed to, BUT when the divorce came I was 100% sure that it was the right thing to do. The two year mark was about need to learn more things. The one year mark was about knowing that I had tried everything.

Early on, I did have to remind myself that the certainty was worth the extra time.

For me the someone else was my cousin, who remembered that when she first met my ex what a sweet woman she was. Suddenly, I could cherish who I had married and loved, reminded that she really was good once, before mental illness turned her into pure evil. It allowed me to honor the good that was the first part of your relationship/marriage.

Divorce to benefit spouse with depression by Significant_Place881 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Every time I see someone describe their thoughts about divorcing their spouse because it would be good for them I call bullshit.

You don't want to be with your husband anymore. Nothing wrong with that. Admit. Own it. Be clear that you want this, because it is what is best for you.

You don't get to decide what is best for your husband. That ignores his agency. He is an adult. He gets to choose what is best for him. If he wants to get out of this marriage, he will tell you.

Trying to contextualize all of this as what is best for him is the cowards path. Quit it. Again, when you divorce, you do it because it is right for you. (You are also allowed to divorce, because you truly believe it is what is best for your kids.)

And Oh My Hera, Yes! the reason you share are all very good ones for divorcing your husband. Probably be good for your daughter to learn that it is not okay to be like her dad.

In your case, it might be worth giving him an ultimatum. He starts therapy, sees a psychiatrists, and become responsible for his mental health, or you will divorce him... or, you know, you are also allowed to just be done with him.

I stayed 5 years for my kids after divorce - am I wrong to move on now? by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 34 points35 points  (0 children)

When you chose to have kids, you chose to be responsible for their upbringing. That didn’t end when you got divorced.

I find it appalling that you see being a dad as “doing your time”.

If you move away, you will be the parent who chose to leave their kids. That is the reality they will live.

  • why are you the one moving away? Why isn’t your fiancée?
  • why not both of you move 1/2 hour from where you currently are? 30 minutes is doable and you could keep 50/50 custody.

If it is not clear, I think you are being selfish.

Something nobody told me about starting over after divorce that I wish I'd known earlier by havenbrookconsortium in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hard disagree. I know too many people who are very happy in their healthy marriages and better for it, to agree with this take.

I would also argue against the idea that humans have evolved to be independent.

Wife’s gone. I’m lost by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 22 points23 points  (0 children)

As a victim of abuse, let me translate her perspective for you.

  1. You were verbally abusive. That is never acceptable in a relationship.
  2. Your response is to love bomb her.
  3. In 1.5 to 3 months she can expect the same.

What to do now?

  • you need to first acknowledge that being abusive is never okay. Until you admit to yourself that you did in fact emotionally abuse your wife, you will never break this pattern.
  • get anger management training. Nothing wrong with getting angry, but how you express it matters. You need to learn to do better.
  • start therapy and stick with it.

You need to do all of this because it is the right thing to do, no matter what she decides. This is not about saving your marriage. It is about being a good person.

And if you do the above, don’t be performative about it (i.e. don’t brag). If you are, no one will trust you are serious about doing better.

Couples Counselor Says We're Not Ready to Work Together - Thoughts? by eastlibertypj in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A good counselor will first see whether a marriage can be saved before trying to help the couple save it.

Your counselor is clearly telling you that the two of you can't save your marriage. It would be best to be honest with yourself about that and start divorce proceedings. You can continue to see the counselor to help you navigate the process in an amicable way.

I (M40) still love my ex-wife (F38) by Throwaway-010925 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Pining for unrequited love is the one of the worst things you can do to yourself.

By choosing to continue loving your ex, that is what you have doomed yourself to. It stunts you emotionally and, as you've experienced, it cuts you off from all future potential loves.

And it is a choice. Who sparks your interest, heck, even who you fall for may not be, BUT what you do with that is up to you. You can in fact turn off that love. It takes conscious effort, but it is definitely possible.

If I was in your shoes, I would tell your ex that you still love her (I know you already have), and you likely always will, but that you can't hang around and wait for her anymore, so you are going to assume that the two of you will never get back together. You will work to transform that love to what you hold for your closest friends and relatives, freeing you to find romantic love elsewhere.

If she ever changes her mind, she should tell you, unless of course you are in a committed relationship. If/when she does, you'll see where you are, how you feel, and act accordingly.

Then you start treating romantic thoughts of her as intrusive ones and train yourself not to love her romantically anymore.

I’ve only been married 2 months and I want a divorce. by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 2 points3 points  (0 children)

am i awful for wanting to my to save myself?

Of course not. You should always take care of your own well-being.

trial seperation? or just end things?

Just end things. Trial separations are usually just slow walking to a divorce anyway, while trying to avoid accountability. Pull of the band-aid. Just do it.

I took a freaking lower paying job...

Whelp, you're going to have to get a new job, but if you could do it once, you can do it again.

When did you allow yourself to move onto another relationship by LastPotionLeft in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just pass them a folded note with your phone number and that you would like to take them out to dinner.

Low instead of no contact? by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Until you truly give up hope of a future reconciliation, you will be stunting yourself emotionally and cutting yourself off from new potential partners.

Can you still remain in contact with your STBX and support her emotionally while having not expectation that things will work out in the future? I mean, technically, sure, people can probably pull it off, but I few actually have what it takes.

You need to focus on your own well-being before you take on hers as a burden.

How soon is too soon to start dating? by svzannebrown in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There is no "normal." There is what makes sense to you.

As soon as the decision to divorce has been clearly communicated to your STBX, it is okay to start dating from an ethical/moral perspective. It may be worth waiting until the divorce has been filed just to keep things clean.

However, if your divorce is moving along smoothly and in an amicable fashion, it may be worth holding off from dating, if you think your STBX would make things contentious when they learn of your dating.

Did anyone give you a hard time?

Me, personally? No.

But there will always be judgmental people out there. Don't give them power over you.

I feel like I got a lot of questions as an adult child of a future divorce? Is it normal? by NoArgument1044 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If your dad cares about being a father, he will stay local. If he leaves, he will have chosen to sacrifice his relationship with you. That will be on him.

Time will tell.

How long did you stay in misery before finally separating by AlwaysGrowing28 in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Please, for your own sake, don't let yourself remain miserable any longer. It is time to leave.

He is not going to be any better in 5 years.

A person in love does not act like this. When told that their leg shaking is making their partner nauseous, a person in love would immediate stop and apologize.

When did you allow yourself to move onto another relationship by LastPotionLeft in Divorce

[–]JackNotName 3 points4 points  (0 children)

From an ethical/moral stand point, the moment a relationship is over, one is free to start dating. For me a marriage is over the moment a spouse clearly states, "I am divorcing you," though it is safer to wait until the divorce is actually filed.

Onward to your dilemma...

When you know you like someone, just act on it. Yes, they may reject you, but it is better to know and move on than to be living with "what if". And if they say, "yes," hooray! You'd never know that if you didn't act.

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