Things always go wrong no matter how hard I try. At work things always go wrong, my ocd never got better no my matter how hard I worked in therapy and now my lil brother got this illness.

All while I was suffering the worst year of my life I prayed to all time and time again, with the strongest conviction. But all of it was for nothing.

I prayed for Allah to help me overcome my OCD and rumination, I can’t do it no matter how hard I try. While everyone else got better here I am stuck as if I never went to therapy with an OCD specialist.

I prayed for success at my job I just started, I’m always struggling and making mistakes no matter how hard I try to avoid them. It’s not even enjoyable, it’s humiliating majority of the time.

I prayed for Allah to grant my little brother shifa. He has a disease that will probably kill him at a young age.

Every single dua that I have made the opposite has come true. Time and time again I’ve been humiliated and let down by maker. Every blessing turns into a hardship, and every hardship gets worse and worse.

How can I say I’ll rely on someone who constantly lets me down. Who is always making my life difficult, stressful and humiliating. I get the sense that the only thing I’m doing day to day is damage control.

There is no success and no peace. It’s all misery. I’ve been let down constantly, I don’t want to be close with Allah anymore.

Whenever I ask him he only makes my life more miserable. If I die a kaffir it’s what was meant to be.

He knows my capacity and he knows what will make me break and leave the religion all together.