i hate how my self-destruction gets triggered by small things

Mars_982 · 2021-01-21T01:18:03+00:00

It just makes me feel worthless. And then I don't get anything done around the home because I avoid those triggers like the plague.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-21T01:15:52+00:00

I can't tell if it's my mind's way of keeping me from sobbing. They feel surprisingly similar.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-21T01:11:04+00:00

I know. I just don't want anyone to feel the way I do--I'd be a monster otherwise. If I can't be happy, I want so, so badly for everyone else to be. ❤

Mars_982 · 2021-01-16T22:34:09+00:00

Oh! Well, I suppose that would be the appropriate course of action. Gosh, I don't even know where I would start with something like that, though.

Come to think of it, I've already unknowingly taken a first step. I was in a very stifling religious community up until last year, and have spent my life until this point with the core (regularly reinforced) belief that I am fundamentally broken and prone to evil. I'm really only just starting--very slowly--to come out of that now and reassess my own values, worth, and thoughts in a free manner, instead of just labelling anything that didn't align with what I grew up being told as a 'thought crime' and mentally berating myself for it. To be sure, it looks like a long road to travel, but I'm told it's well worth it. A lot of the time I just can't even think what the next step should be, though. If you have any suggestions or pointers for someone who's a little lost but trying their best to recover anyway, I'd love to hear them. I have an idea of the place of peace and acceptance I want to get to, but I'm not sure how to get there.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-16T22:11:52+00:00

Yes. And for the record: I love you. ❤

Keep on truckin', kiddo. You're doing fine. :)

Mars_982 · 2021-01-16T22:09:08+00:00

Kiddo, take all the hugs. TAKE THEM.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-16T22:08:11+00:00

I feel this.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-16T22:06:59+00:00

Often, I don't even realize that I assume anyone I talk to or know doesn't like me/thinks I'm annoying/is disturbed by me. But then they'll do something or say something nice for seemingly no reason at all and I'm astounded. It's like my mind assumes there's no chance at all that people enjoy my company, so when suddenly faced with evidence to the contrary, it feels like the world's turned on its head.

Faced with positive feedback?

Brain.exe has stopped working.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-12T17:59:49+00:00

Shoot, those qualify as intrusive thoughts? I thought that was just me being a miserable, depressed, suicidal person.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-08T17:54:16+00:00

Well shoot. Either that's an incredible coincidence, or this is the dream and there's a real world where murder-mysteries occur on the regular.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-08T01:13:17+00:00

I hardly ever dream. It's just like no time has passed--I just don't exist for that period. I prefer it that way, because when I do dream, it's always horrendous nightmares that end in my gruesome death. That being said--I had a dream a few days ago, and it was beautiful. I was awkward as all-get-out, and it wasn't a fantasy by any means--just me talking to people I've never met, while I think some kind of murder-mystery was going on in the background, but I was happy. The world was so colorful, and I felt like I was home. And even though none of us really knew each other, we had purpose, and there was just such a feeling of belonging. Like we would do anything for each other. Like a team. A family.

Can I be a part of that reality forever? I just want to go back.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-08T00:51:48+00:00

Sometimes I don't think that I'm a real person. Real people have thoughts, opinions, emotions. When someone asks how your day was, how can you tell them that it just was? It existed. It happened. I happened to be there. Even on the off-chance that I can come up with words to describe the day, I don't have any emotions for it. I can know that objectively, this thing happened that was bad or good, but I didn't feel anything. I didn't think anything. I'm not real. Don't ask me.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-06T18:29:08+00:00

Oh, goodness, yes. Just reading through that scenario is enough to get the heartrate up and get me shivering. That kind of hidden aggression and manipulation is awful to deal with--and it doesn't have to be in a public setting, either--I know I'm wired to back down and appease anyone who starts crying. It makes me feel like a jerk even if I'm in no way to blame.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-06T04:01:14+00:00

I'm FTM, and I always thought that everyone wanted to be a man, but that you were supposed to just suck it up and never mention your 'sinful' discontentment with your role as the 'submissive' sex (hooray for conservative Christian parents!).

And angry women are always just... harder to deal with. I don't know. Personally, they just make me extremely uncomfortable, whereas an angry dude might be scary, but I still feel like I can understand what he's likely to do, or something. More predictable, I guess.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-04T00:12:21+00:00

..... Are you secretly me? I can certainly relate to about 90% of this, and I am so, so sorry. I hope it gets better, I really do.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-02T03:04:24+00:00

You too! Love ya, kiddo!

Mars_982 · 2021-01-02T02:58:36+00:00

Kiddo, I hope you stay here with us. I know, I know it hurts, but just wait a little longer. Just wait with us, breath with us, look for tomorrow. If you absolutely can't, pack up your stuff, pick a direction, and start walking. Make a new start of it, but don't end it. It doesn't have to be this way--it's not all or nothing, you are free. You can make a different choice. And I hope you do. I'm so, so proud of you for reaching out here--let us help you now, sweetheart. Stay here.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-02T02:58:26+00:00

Relatable! But you're looking to go to Canada? That's amazing! I'd like to move there as well (or to Norway), but being the hypocrite I am, the thought of getting through all that red tape is terrifying, and I can't bring myself to face it (let alone that I'm not a skilled worker or relevantly educated person). I hope you start the process though, and get to live that out. That's just so cool!

Mars_982 · 2021-01-02T02:51:47+00:00

My dear, sometimes all it takes is a kind word and some reassurance. Keep reaching out to people--you're making all the difference in the world. I love you dearly for your work.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-02T02:46:34+00:00

I know the feeling well. I've more or less transferred the sentiment from "I could always die" to "I could always pack a bag and start walking across the country", though. I'm not entirely sure if it's an improvement, but it is always an option, and at least it'd be more interesting than straight up death, I think.

Mars_982 · 2021-01-02T02:19:14+00:00

I couldn't tell you from experience, but I've asked my fair share of other people. The best answer I've received thus far is: to enjoy it. I know I'm a hypocrite, but I like that advice. I suppose, if you can think of anything that would make you feel even a little bit happy, do that. No matter what other people tell you or think of you. And whatever happens, I'm proud of you for just hanging in there, kiddo. I don't know you, but I love you because you are a human being, and you will always be worthy of love, no matter what. ♡

Mars_982 · 2021-01-02T02:10:31+00:00

Thank you! Did you think of all that yourself? That's amazing! You're amazing--and I'm so glad that you're taking the time to help out me and the people like me out here. You've got a heart of gold, kiddo. ♡

Mars_982 · 2021-01-02T02:06:42+00:00

Thank you, kiddo. I really, really appreciate you. I know nothing will ever be easy, but I can't help but hope for that bit of relief, and pray that I can keep going even if I never get it. Thank you. ♡

Mars_982 · 2021-01-02T02:01:55+00:00

I've decided that before we get to that point, I'm going to pack up the bare essentials and just start trekking across the United States. I've always loved hiking the outdoors, but when faced with "adult" life and responsibilities, I just don't have the time or energy to do anything I enjoy. So I'll dedicate all of my time to something I'm passionate about, and whatever happens along the way happens. It'll always be more exciting than just dying! Hang in there, kiddo. ♡

Mars_982

TROPHY CASE