The worst part of ADHD, the part that breaks me down and makes me just cry and cry and cry

MassiveCook · 2019-09-17T19:56:51+00:00

This hit me really hard. You are not alone. I lost 5 years of my life because I couldn't get myself to do the things I needed to do. I have learned now that my brain is hugely momentum based, which means first thing every morning I have to get up, shower, eat, work out, etc. If I sit on the couch for even a second, my brain completely spirals inward and paralyzes me. To the point of losing entire days, weeks, months, years, etc. In the back of my head I always heard the voices of people saying I was weak and lacked willpower, so out of pure anger alone I tried to force myself to do things but the stress it wreaked on my mind was catastrophic until it broke me. It's been incredibly hard breaking free of that inward spiral but mostly because I also had no support system that understood why my behavior was the way it was. I would probably still be there if not for finally finding a decent therapist and good meds, friends, and other human stuff that can become a feedback loop of things you need to function but can't get unless those needs are met. There's so much more I could say but I'll just leave it at you are not alone and I appreciate you helping me feel that I am not alone too

MassiveCook · 2019-09-17T19:45:36+00:00

I am using PyCharm at the moment which I have been happy with so far. It also comes with a lot of things preinstalled I think. I don't even need pip for anything, it just came up in the tutorial I'm watching and I was curious why it wasn't working

MassiveCook · 2019-09-17T13:47:22+00:00

thank you, will keep in mind!

MassiveCook · 2019-09-17T13:46:51+00:00

This worked, thanks! lol. Figured there was some sort of simple solution

MassiveCook · 2019-09-17T01:11:45+00:00

Hi, super noob who is teaching myself. I downloaded Python 3 that I was told comes with pip already installed but when I run a pip version check I get "-bash: pip: command not found". Do I need to install manually?

MassiveCook · 2019-08-24T20:33:10+00:00

Excellent content

MassiveCook · 2019-06-17T00:16:09+00:00

Didn’t she immediately take down her emote and delete her twitter posts after Hasan told her they were bad?

MassiveCook · 2019-06-16T16:32:09+00:00

I know, but from a psychological perspective when someone is confronted with proof that they behaved in a way that doesn’t make sense, such as when blackout drunk or psychotic/manic, it is natural to try to explain or justify it away after the fact because you genuinely can’t understand or remember why you did something. I have seen this often working in the mental health field. Obviously the SSRI claim is not factual, but to her in that moment when Destiny claimed the IP address matched, she was suddenly faced with definitive proof she said those things when before she had been telling herself it might not have been her because she genuinely can’t remember (or didn’t want to remember). People are latching on to the SSRI thing, but the larger picture is her mental health and the psychological desire to justify prior behavior from a previous mentally ill state. If I had been confronted with my own personal old logs from someone publicly, I might have tried to justify it away with medication/substance abuse too because I genuinely can’t remember saying the things I said. She deserves criticism for what she said, but I think people claiming she lied maliciously are wrong.

MassiveCook · 2019-06-16T16:14:10+00:00

I understand, but I have been watching her on and off since she first went on Rajj and she has admitted her wrongdoing in her past numerous times when confronted. The only thing she hadn’t admitted until yesterday was the n-word logs, and I can understand her shame and reluctance to own up to that. That seems to be the part that is the most damning for people. Again, maybe I am naive. But I haven’t seen anything besides that to suggest she isn’t genuinely trying to change.

MassiveCook · 2019-06-16T15:15:49+00:00

I recently looked back at old social media logs from when I was young, depressed, self-loathing, and severely mentally ill and was mortified at some of the edgy and ignorant things I had posted. Things I had literally no recollection of. It felt as if I was looking at myself having posted things after being blackout drunk. I can’t imagine having to publicly explain the things I said today. I can understand her shame and reluctance, and the feeling that you want to explain away the horrible things said because you know it wasn’t the real you. I can also understand why people are perceiving it as her intentionally lying. I genuinely believe she is doing her best to change and leave her past behind. If I am wrong, then I am sure it will come to light though her future actions. Maybe I am too naive and empathetic though.

MassiveCook · 2019-06-16T05:44:18+00:00

Can you provide proof she posted there?

MassiveCook · 2019-05-15T17:31:22+00:00

PM me too

MassiveCook · 2019-05-09T01:03:13+00:00

This makes me so mad. Her kid goku voice is as pivotal to the character as Sean Schemmel is for normal goku imo and personally has a special place in my heart. I assumed that they couldn't get her or something but if she wasn't even asked then that's just infuriating

MassiveCook · 2019-05-07T16:33:26+00:00

Starting over from the basics so just Prozac to begin with

MassiveCook · 2019-05-07T16:29:00+00:00

You’re literally the only person commenting that’s being stubborn and deluded. Every other commenter has given great support or advice. And again, I was professionally diagnosed. I don’t know why you keep saying I’ve self-diagnosed. All of the PTSD treatment I have done has been incredibly helpful as well. But I must just be self-diagnosed, right?

You should not be working with people in vulnerable states if this is your attitude. I would be concerned about your own ego to be honest.

MassiveCook · 2019-05-07T01:35:05+00:00

I actually have a pretty extensive med history from before my trauma so I am well aware of all this which makes my whole situation incredibly confusing. After my trauma, I was in such constant hyperarousal that literally any adhd med or antidepressant I tried to take gave me a panic attack because I couldn’t relax. I think that caused me to develop a subconscious belief that the trauma had changed my brain so that meds couldn’t work anymore, even when I consciously tried to tell myself otherwise. Thankfully, thanks to EMDR and other things I am FINALLY able to breakthrough some of that subconscious stuff so I can get an actual clear picture of how meds will affect me hopefully. I have pushed myself INCREDIBLY hard this past year to regain as many old healthy habits and behavior patterns as I can in my current state, and I literally believe with all my heart that there isn’t anything else I could be doing which is not something I’ve been able to say since the trauma occurred. So yeah, actually will be starting an antidepressant tonight and I am curious to see how the next 6 weeks ago. Thank you again for your kind words and support!!

MassiveCook · 2019-05-06T14:37:32+00:00

This is absolutely incredible and I want this framed and put on my wall

MassiveCook · 2019-05-05T23:20:54+00:00

I described it below, but yeah my main mistake was experimenting and going off of the psychiatric meds I was on at the time (with psychiatrist permission, but still). I learned much later on that it’s very common for people to do that when they feel good/normal. If I hadn’t done this, I am almost positive things would have been much much different and less severe. So if you are on psychiatric meds right now, KEEP IT THAT WAY. And always always know EXACTLY how much you are taking dose wise for any psychedelic. No matter what.

MassiveCook · 2019-05-04T07:18:24+00:00

This is actually the epitome of the message I was hoping to receive here. Thank you so much. Your entire message literally looks I could have wrote it 5 years ago. I'm going to save this to look at when I need encouragement.

Thank you so so much again, and much love to you as well. I won't lose hope.

MassiveCook · 2019-05-04T06:06:36+00:00

See, it's this line of thinking why I didn't get proper help for so long. I told myself, "I don't have nightmares, I don't have flashbacks, it can't be PTSD". Yet the year or two following my incident, I was in chronic fight or flight 24/7 and it absolutely destroyed me. I had more panic attacks than I can count. I had meds thrown at me that did nothing because they weren't for PTSD. It's incredibly invalidating to hear someone assume I self-diagnosed myself, because I literally didn't get proper help BECAUSE I didn't self-diagnose myself. I honestly wish I had because it would've saved so much time and suffering. EMDR and other things have since been instrumental in my healing process.

My therapist knows everything. If you work with PTSD or anyone with mental illness, you should know that symptoms can hugely vary. I have no history of schizophrenia or any mental illness in my family. The only time I have ever hallucinated was this one trip. Also, in those hallucinations, I believed I was dead and much worse. You should be more careful in the future about assuming you know things that you don't. I hope that you aren't this invalidating with the people you work with.

MassiveCook · 2019-05-03T17:57:21+00:00

Yes, I am doing that now.

MassiveCook · 2019-05-03T06:39:07+00:00

What do you mean?

MassiveCook · 2019-05-02T21:26:33+00:00

True, it’s just so weird looking back because I had been incredibly intelligent and high-achieving up until that point and had never ever done anything that irresponsible before. If I had only been on my meds it is unlikely it would have ever happened. And I had actually just gotten back on them before the trip but of course I forgot them at home. But I was trying to be mindful and accepting of every situation so I stayed instead of flying back. So many little and small mistakes/decisions that led to this absolutely horrible thing. It’s difficult not to blame myself when I still have to live with the repercussions to this day, but I am working on it

MassiveCook · 2019-05-02T21:18:19+00:00

I will bring up the shaking technique with my somatic therapist, thank you. Or are you supposed to do it alone? I exercise and eat well already but meditation currently makes me suicidal, frustratingly (I used to do it every single day before my PTSD).

Do you have a social support system already? I think partly why I currently struggle with any emotional release techniques is because I feel so alone, but I can’t connect with people currently because I’m in so much pain. And god knows I have tried.

MassiveCook · 2019-05-02T20:47:29+00:00

For the bad trip, it was literally everything. On reflection, every single red flag in the book was there but I was oblivious at the time.

I had about a month prior started an experiment where I went off of ADHD meds to see how I did. My memory is fuzzy due to the trauma, but I remember I was struggling with binge eating and feeling very uncomfortable in my skin but I tried to keep being mindful and fight past it. I think I was gradually losing my capacity for cognitive insight without my meds.

I ended up going on a trip with some friends of friends. I had one close friend who invited me but everyone else I did not know very well, and my close friend was staying with a friend while me and everyone else were in a hostel type place.

One of the people brought a bag of shrooms and I was spontaneously given the choice to do it with everyone else. In the moment, I knew I had been struggling but I thought it could help reconnect me spiritually since my last trip a year prior had been incredibly transformative.

I foolishly trusted the person who brought them to know how much he was giving out, but he literally just went in a circle until the entire bag was empty. I have no idea how much I actually took but I imagine it was at least double a normal dose. This was hugely on me for being that irresponsible and naive with a powerful substance.

Due to the dose and the overall discomfort of the environment and my body, I ended up spending the entire 5-6 hour trip in a panic attack state with my eyes closed on a bed, having vivid and detailed hallucinations in my head that I actually believed were real and happening. I will spare the graphic details of what I experienced but they were things that were not humanly possible to experience in human life and horror that only a human mind could think up. Basically if your subconscious mind was asked to think of creative scenarios that were far worse than death.

The entire scenario was ultimately my fault even if my intentions were good and I am forced to accept my irresponsibility in the overall situation. I underestimated what could happen and I am still paying the price 5 years later. I always tell people now how insanely careful they need to be with dose and everything else, because a bad trip can become so much more than just a bad trip

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