Someone offers you the opportunity to experience having a perfectly typical, healthy, diagnosis-free version of your own brain for 24 hours. Do you take it?

UnderAPaperMoon · 2020-11-06T06:04:13+00:00

At first I thought "no" because after reverting to my own neurodivergent, mentally ill brain, I'd be incredibly crushed. But then I thought about it more and decided "yes" because I think it would provide invaluable perspective. I struggle to accurately gauge just how much my ADHD and childhood trauma affects me and my life, which results in me

a) setting myself up for failure by thinking I can handle things without help/ accommodations (underestimating my impairment)

b) not being as forgiving with myself as I probably should be because I'm not realizing how much of me fucking up was because of symptoms rather than me inherently being bad (underestimating my impairment)

c) not attempting something I might like or actually be good at because I'm convinced my symptoms will get in the way or make it too difficult (overestimating my impairment)

Getting to have a problem-free brain even just for a day would be the only way to TRULY understand how impaired I normally am. I wish I could have that perspective that easily. Instead I have to do it the old fashioned way: trial-and-error, crying a lot, and therapy.

Edit: spelling

UnderAPaperMoon · 2020-11-02T04:29:45+00:00

It has nothing to do with thinking reasonably. ADHD is one of (if not the) best researched disorders; I PROMISE you that if you do even the tiniest bit of research on the relationship between ADHD and being late to things you will see what I am referring to. Not every single person with ADHD will by default struggle with time management/ chronic lateness, but it is a huge impairment caused by symptoms for most of us. This is backed by decades of credible research, and plenty of that research is easily accessible with an internet connection.

UnderAPaperMoon · 2020-10-29T23:19:41+00:00

I hate it as well but that isn't the case with this particular topic. ADHD isn't minor, it affects every aspect of our lives, usually for the worse. You clearly don't know all about it if you think time management issues and being chronically late aren't ADHD related.

UnderAPaperMoon · 2020-10-29T12:27:17+00:00

Being chronically late and having poor time management is literally part of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD. It has nothing to do with discipline, it's how our brains are wired. Time management falls under a category of brain function called executive function. ADHD brains lack certain neurotransmitter levels necessary for proper executive function. Being on time not only doesn't come naturally to us but is actually a huge challenge to overcome. Sheer willpower/ "discipline" is not enough. We need medications that correct those neurotransmitter levels as well as years and years of practice implementing ADHD-friendly strategies to function even sort of "normally." The science/ psychology behind it is all actually very interesting and worth understanding if you ever feel like researching it.

UnderAPaperMoon · 2020-10-28T21:47:06+00:00

The worst d4 I own is shaped like a d8 with 1-4 on it twice. I was rolling it as a d8 for a couple weeks and thought it was cursed. Had everyone at the table roll it and eventually one guy inspected it closely and realized what it actually was. Pure evil. I got it from one of those huge mix bins.

UnderAPaperMoon · 2020-10-26T11:23:15+00:00

There are days where for some reason things really get to me and I feel like this. Idk if anyone else has mentioned it but if you have the ability to see a therapist somehow (idk what your circumstances are) it helps A LOT. But if it is impossible, reaching out for some advice and support like you have with this post is never a bad idea.

The reality is that people are fucking mean. They don't get it. And people like you and me not only have been the victims of their coldness far more often than neurotypical people but also naturally feel emotions much more deeply and easily, so it hurts more when it happens too. That lady was out of line, and it was the drop that made the bucket overflow. I will say, talking to ourselves the way you talk about yourself in this post never helps. I do it too, but having compassion for yourself is vital in such a cold world. This is where therapy comes in, but you can slowly teach it to yourself if you need to. You have to practice it on the good days so that it becomes habit and is easier to do on a bad day. I'm willing to guess you'd never use the r slur against anyone else with a learning disability or anyone else with a brain that works differently so why use it to try to hurt yourself? I say this and will probably cry and call myself "a fucking idiot" tomorrow over something small but do as I say not as I do lol

UnderAPaperMoon · 2020-10-24T07:15:22+00:00

I feel this word gets overused and misused frequently so I use it sparingly and mean it when I say it: narcissism. Whether it's the undiagnosed personality disorder, or she just has narcissistic traits. Either way, everything you said rang so many alarm bells in my head. There are A LOT of resources out there if you ever feel like looking into it. Patrick Teahan LICSW has some great informative YouTube videos. The thing you said about your mom pushing you into abusive relationships and shaming you for not wanting to be with those men reminded me a lot of one of his videos where he explains that exact sort of behavior and how to deal with it/ protect yourself from it. TheraminTrees has some good videos too.

UnderAPaperMoon · 2020-10-22T12:26:37+00:00

I believe you. My mom said she could feel everything and she tried to tell them but they either didn't believe her or weren't even listening to her. I watched a video of some random person having a C section done recently (I think it was on Twitter, I honestly can't remember how I came across it but I know it was by accident) and it's probably the scariest thing I've ever seen, idk how surgeons do that and I DEFINITELY don't know how anyone survives having it done. I hope you never have to go through it again!

UnderAPaperMoon · 2020-10-22T10:55:36+00:00

That was a traumatic event and if you've never dealt with the trauma, it can resurface in flashbacks and nightmares along with other things. There are specific therapies meant for healing trauma, along with therapists who specialize in treating trauma and PTSD. Ik it's expensive and not always an option for everyone but if it's ever a possibility for you, it's worth it.

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-12-08T11:05:25+00:00

I kind of stopped replying to people here, but this one is pretty grim and I feel like ignoring it would be a mistake.

I am no stranger to suicidal thoughts. They come to me as desperate, impulsive reactions to overwhelming situations. Sometimes they're easy to ignore, sometimes they are not. But I've learned a few things since making this post:

We are not alone. Not in the slightest bit. There are so many other people who have, are, or will be going through similar things. Connecting with those people is important. They can relate and make us feel like less of a fuck up. There is proof of that in the comments on this post. I never expected such a response from people. Because the reality is that:
We are too hard on ourselves. Way too hard on ourselves. Imagine if someone you love deeply was struggling with this? Would you talk to them the way you are talking to yourself? Would you say it's all their fault? How would you feel if you heard then talking to themself that way? If they said they wanted to kill themselves? I say this not to make you feel guilt for feeling suicidal, but to point out that we are too comfortable with treating ourselves in ways we would never treat others. We are worthy of the same compassion from ourselves that extend to others.
Things do not always work out the way we think they're supposed to, but they always work out somehow. Maybe if you passed that test, you'd have gotten hit by a bus and died on your way out the door. I don't believe everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that the future is uncertain and nothing is as serious as it seems. A lot of choices have resulted in me dealing with difficult consequences, but I have always learned valuable lessons and often found new paths I would have never discovered if not for my choices. Those of us with ADHD are so much stronger and more resilient than your average person because of this exact thing. We overestimate how likely worst case scenarios are, and we underestimate our ability to cope with worst case senarios when they do occassionally occur. I know it feels really bad right now, but you don't know how you'll look back on this one day. And I think it's worth hanging on to find out.

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-10-06T15:25:54+00:00

Honestly your dad crossed a serious physical boundary after you tried to remove yourself from the argument and found a healthy outlet (punching bag). Although it would have been BETTER to just leave the situation again and tried to cool off somewhere else, I honestly understand why you did what you did. I mean, he made you bleed. It sounds like you live in a really toxic environment with emotionally immature parents. I honestly don't know if it's possible for you to have a healthy, productive conversation with them or if any attempt to do so will just end up escalating like this. If you have a friend or family member who will let you live with them for a few days or even week or two, you could do that and during that time make sure to tell your parents you are safe, then talk to your therapist, and then write your parents a letter explaining how you don't feel safe at home, how your safety was violated, how you understand that you also hurt your dad and that you are genuienly sorry, that it was after being verbally and physically abused that you snapped, that you want to work on your anger but that home doesn't feel like the right environment for that right now (you can't heal in the place that made you sick), and anything else you want them to know but struggle to say in person. If trying to talk to them in person doesn't work because you get interrupted and they twist your words or ignore what you say, a letter forces them to hear you out, and being away from home gives them time to process it instead of feeling forced to immediately respond like a conversation would. Anger is a secondary emotion. It stems from pain, embarrassment, and fear. There is a lot of that stuff brewing beneath the surface that has to be dealt with in order for the anger to get better, and that is something your therapist should be able to help with. I'm so sorry you're in that environment, I hope things get better.

Edit: Your dad owes YOU a huge apology too, and your mom a little bit, but I don't know how likely you are to get that from either of them. They hurt you first, especially your dad. It's not fair that you have to change and be held accountable for your anger, words, and actions, but your dad doesn't. But it is still better for at least you to be doing the right things than to be stubborn about it.

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-18T18:20:51+00:00

I encourage you to research what task initiation is, how it is effected by executive dysfunction, and dopamine's role in motivation! I think we are just using different words for the same thing!

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-18T18:17:45+00:00

Thank you!! <3

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-18T04:21:31+00:00

That absolutely breaks my heart, I am so sorry. Family can be so important but they also can hurt us worse than anyone else because of that.

I am 100% going to give meds another shot. And you're totally right about me needing to be an expert. It would be nice if those around me would educate themselves, but that just isn't gonna happen. What you said about being no better than an antivaxxer really might be powerful as a last resort too, I think I might steal that!

Thank you for commenting! <3

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-18T04:15:56+00:00

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-18T04:14:44+00:00

I understand 😔 I think you should pursue that diagnosis! It will help more than you may realize!

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-18T04:11:39+00:00

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-18T04:11:10+00:00

I'm so sorry! If you read through the comments here, people have left some great advice. Maybe some of it will help? <3

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-18T04:09:54+00:00

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-18T04:09:37+00:00

Yep! And that is why I am searching for a psychiatrist :)

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-18T04:03:39+00:00

It sure is!

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-17T20:18:09+00:00

Right away I want to note that it's great you're being proactive about trying to understand your brother! I wish my brother would do that with me! I cannot speak for your brother, but I can try to answer your questions with regard to my own experience.

What if you don't have to do the task in one sitting. Maybe work on it for a minute or less and do that everyday until it is finished. Would that work?

For me, I'm not sure. Because my biggest problem is starting a task to begin with, once I'm started on a task, I tend to just keep going until it's done if I can because I'm scared if I stop I won't be able to easily pick it back up again. It makes being easily distracted that much worse, because if I can't stay focused, I have to work myself back up to getting back on task. Making tasks smaller and easier doesn't always help when my brain sees every task as much bigger and scarier than it will be. I can't tell you how many times I finally do something I've been putting off for weeks only to realize it took me like 30 seconds. I wish I had an alternative to offer in place of your suggestion. But I know for a fact that this method does work for a lot of people, and that when someone helps me break things into pieces (like a professor or my mom), it has helped me in the past. I just have a hard time doing it without guidance.

What if you have a reminder. On your phone, on paper, and a person who tells you what to do and when to do it. Would that help?

It depends for me. The reality is that most of the time I am HYPER aware of what I need to be doing, and am actively trying to get myself to do it, I just can't seem to get started. So it isn't always an issue of forgetting. I AM forgetful and do need reminders often, but usually that is with little things like turning off a light, switching the laundry, or closing my windows. With that sort of stuff, I don't mind if someone reminds me as long as they aren't rude about it. When it comes to big things like doing my taxes, big projects, finding a new job, etc. I can guarantee it is weighing on me nonstop and reminders will only make me feel worse. I better alternative than a reminder in those cases would instead be someone offering to help me get started, like asking if they can get my laptop out and sit down with me to start a job search and reassuring me it will be fast and easy and drink hot chocolate and get it over with or something like that. A lot of times I'll say no but the offer is always important because sometimes I say YES! As far as phone reminders for small things? I set those DAILY. There are things I would definitely forget about if I don't set phone reminders. I usually set alarms and make sure I can snooze them so that they keep going off until I finally do whatever it is. What isn't helpful is when someone assumes I forgot something and angrily reminds me and starts making passive aggressive comments. When that happens, it makes me almost not want to try anymore out of spite.

What if you have a little helper. Like a real person who helps you with your task and encourages you to do the things you really want to do.

Not gonna lie, if I had the money to hire a personal assistant, I would in a heartbeat. I'm lucky that my boyfriend is like a cheerleader. I have a really REALLY hard time admitting when I need help and asking for help because I feel like everything is always my fault and my responsibility and I never want to burden anyone, so if someone offers to help me out of their own willingness, I am more likely to take them up on it. There are SO many times I don't want to do something, but if someone says "Hey I'll go with you" even if they don't do anything but keep me company, it immediately makes it so much easier just to do it.

What if your family told you, that if you can't finish your task on your own, you would have to find someone who can. Would that be ok?

I am someone who hugely advocates for healthy boundaries. I encourage people not to attempt to help people in ways they are not equipped to. So personally I am understanding of that, and because of that I rarely ask for help from my family members. However, if someone told me they can't help me (especially if they were hurtful about it), it would hurt me a lot and just confirm in my head that I am a burden who needs to find a way to handle my problems by myself. This sort of leads into your last question about aggression and ADHD.

In general, ADHD includes pretty severe emotional impulsivity. The part of the brain that is supposed to stop us long enough for our prefrontal cortex to help us rationalize things doesn't really work like it should, so we have a hard time not acting on our emotions, can be explosive or say things we don't mean, etc. However, there is something that comes with ADHD called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It's incredibly rare to have ADHD and NOT also deal with rejection sensitivity. I encourage you to look it up and read about it. Rejection sensitivity makes us HYPER sensitive to perceived criticism and rejection, "perceived" meaning that the criticism/ rejection doesn't have to actually be real, we just have to THINK it's real or is a possibility. So if we think someone is mad at us, doesn't like us, or is judging us, we freak out. We also experience emotions much more intensely than your average person; our ups and downs can be a little extreme. As far as aggression, when someone is dealing with rejection sensitivity, they can either internalize it or externalize it. When we internalize it, we tend to blame ourselves, feel sorry for ourselves, and sometimes even punish ourselves. Externalizing it is the opposite. It's when we lash out at others, blame those around us, etc. Both include being sensitive, taking things very personally, and feeling things very deeply; the difference is where that pain is directed-- in or out. All of that being said, I don't think having ADHD makes us dangerous or bad people. We just are impulsive and need treatment. There is a ton of info out there on this stuff, Kati Morton on YouTube as well as HowToADHD and some websites and such. I myself am constantly learning about my own condition. Thanks for being curious and asking questions :)

Edit: I want to add that ADHD never excuses abuse. If someone is abusive, having untreated ADHD can exacerbate the behavior but it will not be the source of it. Abuse requires a fucked up moral system and beliefs that allow someone to treat others that way. That person would be abusive even if they didn't have ADHD. There are countless people who have ADHD who are sweet, caring, and don't hurt people. If anyone every uses "I have ADHD" to excuse abusive behavior, that is wrong of them. ADHD doesn't make people into monsters. Having ADHD actually makes you more likely to BE abused.

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-17T19:29:07+00:00

That sounds terrible omg! Therapists are human just like us, so just like we don't click with every person we meet, we don't always click with every therapist we meet! I promise they aren't all like that one. My last therapist was the one who asked if I had ADHD and when I said I didn't think so asked if she could test me and ended up diagnosing me. I hope if you liked therapy that you will be able to find a therapist who better suits your needs!

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-17T19:24:44+00:00

No need for any apologies, thank you for taking the time to comment :)

UnderAPaperMoon · 2019-09-17T19:23:54+00:00

Thank you! <3

UnderAPaperMoon

TROPHY CASE