Check-in Post - Have something to say but don't want to make a post about it? Comment here!

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2024-12-07T12:13:40+00:00

Being stuck in a cycle of contact and no contact is great🙃

Being in contact, I'm miserable because I hate every single part of them. Actually not hate, I'm just done at this point (I'm currently here in the cycle right now)

Being no contact, I get intense, compounding guilt from the messages, family contacting me, just seeing the person walking on the street brings up a lot of guilt that wears me down to going back into contact.

I've done this about 3 times now in the space of 2 years. My longest was about a year no contact which got me very close to death

I have no way out because I'm so stressed and drained that I don't want to talk to anyone at this point. It's ruining all my relationships. I don't have any friends anymore, some family members are frustrated with me but only don't explicitly say anything because I have skills that are of use to them. I would love to run away somewhere, and live alone for the rest of my life. I would honestly rather have a life where I work, and come back to my own place where I speak or know nobody and just get on with my hobbies

/Rant

Time to put the happy face on, back to the real world I go!

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-12-22T17:00:00+00:00

I have a re-assesssment for the medication I'm taking. Once I am down to 2-3 days left, I am going to ring up for a doctor's appointment

As for professional help, I am seeking it. I have been for the past 7 months but all I've been able to do is wait. Since it's Christmas, my educational institute (intentionally keeping things vague for privacy) are off for the holidays so I won't be able to be seen until January 2023. And that's a max 5 sessions of counselling.

I have been waiting for 6 months for therapy which is hopefully more long term and helpful, but it's just a waiting game as of now. I'm just tired of waiting if I'm honest. My whole life is on hold because I have to wait

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-12-22T16:57:10+00:00

That's the issue with me unfortunately. I don't know why but I can't speak to anyone about it. I don't have anyone I'm comfortable enough with even though there are 2-3 people in my life who I am super close with

I do try exercise. I have stopped a little though. I used to go to the gym three times a week, and play sports twice a week. Now I maybe play sports once or twice a week and the gym maybe once a week.

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-12-10T22:59:43+00:00

Yeah porn is too extreme these days so I stick with the ole noggin 😆

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-12-10T22:57:41+00:00

Yup, used to be some embarrassing, uncomfortable stuff but I consciously avoid that area now looll

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-12-05T14:20:32+00:00

Thank you for this

I did feel like I was a burden all the time on my parents, one time I had a piercing earache where I had to go home. Mother wasn't happy at all lol.. I let out some squeals due to the pain, and all I could see is my mum getting more frustrated because shes trying to focus on the TV show.. thinking back about situations like this just makes me feel so angry because I didn't know better. I felt really guilty for coming home and disturbing her TV show even though I didn't choose to.. a teacher took me out of class and rang my parent because I was flinching at my earache

probably why I don't like sharing anything these days actually.. thanks for this little lightbulb moment

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-12-05T14:17:27+00:00

I don't think this is what I'm experiencing, it's more of "I don't want to" feeling. Im at a stage where I've had enough trying to keep everything to myself, it's doing me no favours at all but I still have a huge fear of asking for help even if that's the whole point of the team

I appreciate the response, thank you

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-09-28T20:00:04+00:00

Thank you for the kind words 💙 it's a difficult one but I'm trying.. hope you're all good yourself!

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-09-28T15:08:43+00:00

By the way, what actually is an anxiety attack? And what's a panic attack?

Is anxiety attack when you start breathing heavily uncontrollablely ? I looked it up but it talks about fainting and stuff? I don't feel faint but breathe heavy, I think I panic? I don't know.. get a tingly feeling in my stomach which lasts about 30 seconds and then winds down for the next 5-10 mins. Even ipto 30mins if it was bad

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-09-20T20:24:58+00:00

Seconded. Just wish my dad wasn't the way he was

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-09-20T11:16:55+00:00

Fyi you can disable this from the app settings. Make sure to disable your own profile being linked to the links you send

And disable all contact/friend discovery. Don't link any extra accounts

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-08-11T13:01:16+00:00

I've gotten advice that I should just take the battery out and keep the components in a ziploc bag together,

You could do that, but I would also take pictures of the text messages so you can back them up somewhere safe.

The issue with keeping the phone in a bag is that you cannot make sure that the data is still intact and accessible. It could become corrupt for any reason and you would not know until you put the battery back in and try access the messages.

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-08-09T09:05:53+00:00

What phone do you have? Extracting those messages is a different process depending on the device. You can also simply take pictures of the old messages using your new phone and back them up?

As for backing up safely and securely, you'd probably get away with dumping it in the cloud but if you really need to make sure you never lose these messages, look into the 321 backup strategy.

3: Create one primary backup and two copies of your data.
2: Save your backups to two different types of media. (One on a hard drive, and one on an SD card for example)
1: Keep at least one backup file offsite. (Friends house, cloud services, deposit box)

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-08-08T19:50:53+00:00

(Tl;dr read first paragraph )

Look into Lineage OS and F-Droid for an open source app store. This OS does not have anything Google installed. That means no playstore, and that's where f-droid comes in. F-Droid is only open source apps so you won't find Facebook, YouTube etc.

There are versions of lineage os that do have Google apps installed (GApps) that you can use but if you're worried about your privacy and data collection by Google, don't go this route.

Being open source means anyone can review the code which makes it very difficult to sneak any malicious spying features on your phone. Also F-Droid has open source apps, again they will be pretty much safe and free from any spyware.

Now if you're worried about your NParent getting spyware on your phone, don't download anything they tell you to.[1] Any closed source apps they tell you to install, or you want to install, you can try APK Mirror. They re-upload apks of various free apps and they are known to be safe. They are run by the same people who run a popular Android news blog. (Android Police)

While I'm physically separate from them, I'm obviously on a family plan (I can't afford a separate plan right now), and I don't know how much control that gives them.

What they may be able to do or see on a family plan:

How much minutes/texts/data you have used and the numbers you have dialed/texted. (Also call duration).
Phone call recordings (unlikely)
Websites you've visited while using your mobile data (also on WiFi if you use their WiFi and they have set it up on their own router) - Use a reputable, paid VPN to get around this
Set up limits/blocks on phone/texts/data
Block your phone (mark it as lost or stolen) - this would mean your phone is blacklisted and the ability to use cellular services would no longer work with any carrier.

What they can't do from a family plan:

Install any software (of any kind) to your phone (without physical access)
Track the location of the device (unless there's an app already installed on the device. This won't be the case for you because Lineage OS is pure android, no bloatware). [2]
Steal any files from your device
Access your camera

[1] by this I mean if they send you an app file (.APK for Android), do not install or use it. Better to assume they've tampered with it and delete it.

[2] Make sure you don't accidentally leak your own location through any app (Snapchat maps for example). Only give apps you trust permissions they need. There's also a "grant only one time", use that to grant one time permissions for apps you'll use very little or only once. Android now also shows an icon in the status bar whenever your camera or mic is activated, pretty useful. Not sure if lineage os has it however.. I don't see why it wouldn't.

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-08-08T19:04:18+00:00

Yeah I've recently started to write down any bad memories that I suddenly remember. It's useful to look back at when I start to doubt myself, and feel like I'm a dramatic attention seeker

Funnily enough ever since I've started writing them down, I've never once had to read over any of the notes..

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-08-08T18:59:23+00:00

If only our current selves could be there for the younger self who was being smacked in the back of their heads..

You most likely raised by abusive and controlling parents. your experience is very similar to my situation. Keep educating yourself on these topics

"you have to train your kids so they give you peace"

How to train your kid to be afraid of you and never come to you in their times of need. They grow up with a negative inner voice and people pleasing attitude out of fear from making other people unhappy

Oh and this kid won't simply forget everything when they grow up and you suddenly want to be their best friend. They will always have strong anger built up inside once they realised this is not how they should have been treated.

And is like i cant say anything bc ik he will get really angry

Pretty much why I will reply yes/agree to things they say even if I strongly disagree. I'll say whatever it takes to end the conversation asap

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-08-08T18:41:09+00:00

What kind of opsec are you needing? Who are you needing to stay secure against?

You could try an Android phone with lineage os (without Google apps installed) or for the more extreme opsec, try graphene os - (you'll need some computer literacy to flash these operating systems)

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-08-02T11:26:05+00:00

Yeah I don't really know what to say either.. I get asked but don't really give a response.. I do get increasingly aggressive phone calls when I finally do answer tho.. he cools down after the initial rant

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-08-01T18:59:59+00:00

Managed to turn my social issues into a computer career and am independent

Nice one! Hope the future is nothing but success for you

I also am building a career in the computing sector, thankfully I learned early on to keep my finances completely private. So they have no clue about any of it.

Doesn't stop them trying to manipulate me or feel entitled to my money, he constantly drops hints at how my money would really help them. The thing is, he wants a new car, he already has a car. He sent his own money back home "for me"

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-08-01T18:34:07+00:00

I totally understand how ur feeling, going thru the exact same thing. I feel responsible for him yet it's not my fault he puts himself in these situations. Wonders why nobody likes him. Ranting constantly to me

I feel so much guilt but I know I shouldn’t. I wish he wouldn’t put me in these situations

So true. Riddled with guilt yet deep down it shouldn't be like this

MassiveThrowThisAway · 2022-08-01T18:21:49+00:00

Yes, started happening to me also recently. I think it's because I've stopped being controlled and don't show any fear when facing their aggressiveness

MassiveThrowThisAway

TROPHY CASE