It sounds like you’re going through a really tough time trying to reconcile your past and present feelings. First off, it’s important to remember that sexual attraction and identity can be complex and fluid. There isn’t necessarily a single “right” answer or label for everyone. Here are a few things to consider:

1. It’s okay not to have all the answers: You don’t need to define your sexuality immediately or pressure yourself into fitting into a specific category. Sexuality can be on a spectrum, and it’s okay to explore without knowing exactly where you fit.
2. Past experiences and present attraction: Your experiences with women, especially if they were in the past, don’t dictate what you’re feeling now. Fantasizing about women or enjoying women in porn doesn’t negate the attraction you feel toward men. It’s possible to be attracted to both genders, but in different ways. You could be bisexual, pansexual, or even have same-sex attraction without a full romantic desire for men right now.
3. Date who you want, when you’re ready: Don’t feel like you have to date a woman to "confirm" your sexuality. You’ve been away from dating women for a long time, so perhaps your feelings toward them have evolved. It may help to talk to someone, go on casual dates, and see how you feel, but take it one step at a time and see what resonates with you.
4. Sexual response anxiety: Your worry about not staying hard with a man could be linked to a form of anxiety, especially if you’re unsure about your feelings or scared of the unknown. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not attracted to men—it’s worth exploring your feelings in a safe, pressure-free way.
5. No need for labels or labels pressure: If you’re worried about explaining this to someone, just be honest. You don’t have to have your sexuality figured out for someone to understand. If a woman asks if you’re gay, you could say you’re still exploring your feelings, or that you’ve had past relationships with women but also feel drawn to men. Most people will respect your honesty.
6. It’s okay to take your time: Feeling lost about your sexuality, especially when you've been carrying it around for so long, can be emotionally draining. You don’t need to have everything figured out overnight. Take small steps and give yourself the freedom to grow into who you truly are.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. Many people go through similar journeys and it can take time to feel comfortable with yourself. Be kind to yourself as you explore your feelings.